THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL : IT'S DUKE, AS IN NUKE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Once UConn is long gone and the Dookies hold a reunion on NBA All-Star Saturday trying to decide their place in history, the question will undoubtedly come up:

If we were such a nasty dynasty, why didn't we have a nickname?

Other coaches might offer up ``12 Things I Hate About Duke.''

But ``Coach K's Cult'' might be more apropos.

(By the way, y'ever notice the parallels in the movies ``Pinocchio'' and ``Frankenstein''?)

For a team whose only real weakness is it can't spell its coach's name - but who can? - they've played like some sort of Andromeda-strained Wacos, scientific mutations of domination during a time when parity was supposed to have squashed all forms of the John Wooden era.

When the players enter the gym, they get an iris scan. Those crop circles along Tobacco Road didn't come from some drunken John Deere driver.

What Satanic verses may these Be'Devils be chanting? And did Mike Krzyzewski really build that sand sculpture of Tropicana Field on his own?

Maybe those Nike commercials with tournament-infected mitochondrions aren't that far-fetched. . . .

CBS can't show enough of those shots in the stands of ``Martial Law'' co-star Sammo Hung. Unless Craig Kilborn has something else to promote. . . .

And if ``Everybody Loves Raymond'' so much, why does he get shoved back to 10 p.m. tonight? . . .

By the way, the women's lacrosse and women's tennis teams at Duke are ranked only No. 2 in the country. . . .

One more overbudget flop of a game and the Lakers change their name to ``Waterworld.'' . . .

Great April Fool's joke Dennis Rodman can play Thursday: Show up for practice, and actually participate. . . .

The only non-NBA work Rodman has seemed to garner lately is a role on CBS' ``L.A. Doctors,'' which will air sometime . . . never? . . .

Isn't there a Tae-Bo tape he can make a cameo in? . . .

1150 down: Four-letter word, starts with a ``Z.'' Clue is: Latest Arbitron rating. . . .

With the Cactus League MVP race apparently out of his reach, we can now say we'd pass on another Garth Brooks attempt at a swinging bunt and listen to Jack McDowell spank a Stratocaster instead. . . .

Had the Angels kept Sparky Anderson as their colorman, it's unlikely he'd make it for the season opener. He's taking it easy at his Thousand Oaks home these days, recovering from a perforated ulcer that had a lot of family members kinda worried. . . .

The fact the Baltimore Orioles made it out of Cuba with a few cigars stuffed in their duffle bags and without Albert Belle starting an international incident would seem to make the trip a success. But the more we hear from those opposed to this exhibition, and the more we see pictures of Fidel Castro smiling alongside Bud Selig, the more this made us too queasy to continue watching. . . .

Gary McCord plans to produce a movie on the life of noted gambling golfer ``Titanic'' Thompson. Rack up a few more playoff-extended wins on the Senior PGA Tour and the CBS prankster will have his own life story to sell. . . .

The cover of the April issue of Sport magazine advertises an ``EXCLUSIVE: O.J. TELLS ALL'' story inside just begging to be read. The editors have obviously never seen a tabloid. In this two-page transcript of a Q-and-A buried on page 88 of the 96-page mag, the only real juice squeezed from Juice is that he uses the analogy that ``if the shoe fits, it should fit for everyone.''

The interviewer reminds him it's probably not a good idea to use that line, you know, about shoes fitting.

``Right,'' answers Simpson. ``And I can't use `Kill two birds with one stone' either.''

Juice then laughs.