THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL; MICHAELS SAVES THE DAY.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

What smoked, choked and provoked us to check out another dot-commer- come-lately during Sunday's TV Super Bowl event:

--MICHAELS' MEMORABLE CALLS: Proving again to be the network maestro behind the mike, Al Michaels eclipsed blathering partner Boomer Esiason with several poignant quips at the end of the game that otherwise needed nothing said.

``There is a movie called `The Longest Yard' - there is your sequel,'' Michaels said in reference to the final play of the game, Tennessee's Kevin Dyson trying to stretch the ball over the goal line as time ran out.

After a few more believable cries of ``unbelievable!,'' Michaels closed the telecast with a story of Kurt Warner's rise from nowhere with the phrase ``this is the look of a fairy tale'' as Dick Vermeil and Warner hugged.

Michaels' call was almost deja vu for anyone who remembers the Warren Beatty movie ``Heaven Can Wait,'' where Dick Enberg has the winning Rams quarterback in the Super Bowl locker room and asks, ``What's it like right now to be Tom Jared?''

--BOOMER'S BONERS: Too many to document. Or care about, after a certain point.

When he wasn't stepping on Michaels or a referee's call - the ABC booth's version of ``Who's Line Is It Anyway'' - Boomer was jammering out countless uninsightful, cliche comments that didn't make any sense.

His argument with Michaels late in the game about why he thought Tennessee should take a timeout with 31 seconds left instead of spiking the ball came back to slap him in the face.

And his final take on the Warner story: ``He just completed, in my estimation, the greatest season . . . or one of, if not maybe, the second- greatest season ever by a quarterback.''

What?

--TWO HOURS TOO MUCH: As tight, balanced, insightful and tear-jerking the four hours of pregame ABC infotainment was, this proves again that an even tighter two-hour production would have more impact and viewer retainment.

--PREGAME BOOSTS: 1) a slightly puffy Andrea Kreamer, fresh off the birthing table, is back live on the ESPN set with her unsettling piece on family obligations that players are often guilted into, 2) the Fritz Pollard feature, especially with an NFL Films' never-seen interview with him in 1970 finally shown, 3) the Marino family adoption of a little Chinese girl, 4) the ever-prude Barbara ``I Just Don't Get All The Whoo-Ha'' Walters forced to recoil again when her co-hosts of ``The View'' asked the question: ``Would women watch the Super Bowl if players' pants were looser?''

--PREGAME BUSTS: 1) Chris Berman's voice; 2) Was that cornball Jim McKay piece a spoof?

--COMMERCIAL SUCCESSES: 1) Muhammad Ali spots for WebMD; 2) the cat wranglers by EDS.com; 3) FedEx delivers helium balloons to the Lollypop Guild munchkins; 4) the cyclist who pulls the Mountain Dew out of the cheetah's belly; 5) E-trade showing a monkey dancing the cucaracha and exclaiming ``Well, we just wasted 2 million bucks . . . what are you doing with your money?''

--ADS TO SUBTRACT: 1) Mike Ditka pushing ``Runaway Bride'' videotapes; 2) ABC's Regis Philbin dream miniseries; 3) Wayne Gretzky on the Zamboni.

--Questions that need to be asked: 1) What critter has burrowed its way into Leslie Visser's hair? 2) Was Steve Young wearing a piece of gold on his ring finger?

--A BETTER BETTOR THAN BOWLER: On the Don Carter Classic bowling tournament carried on ESPN during ABC's pregame show, Northridge's Eric Forkel predicted a 21-10 Rams victory. He then went out and lost his first-round match.

Tom Hoffarth can be reached at sptmediaaol.com or [phone].

SURFING THE TUBE

MONDAY

With football out of the way, we can finally concentrate on a real sport - yachting. This isn't just any three-hour cruise. If AmericaOne doesn't get its sails together and go nautical on the Italian vessel Prada, which is already up 3-1, then the America's Cup will be challenged by two foreign boats. And what sense does that make? America's Cup semifinals, Race 5: AmericaOne vs. Prada, ESPN2, 9:30 p.m. (tape delayed). Also: Tuesday at 9:30 p.m., Wednesday at 7:30 p.m., Thursday at 8:30 p.m.

TUESDAY

Just in case KCAL loses its power again with three seconds left, remember the game is also on the cable channel supported by Ted Turner's best interests. NBA: Lakers at San Antonio, Channel 9, TNT, 5 p.m. (Also: Utah at Lakers, FSN, Friday at 7:30 p.m.)

WEDNESDAY

Remember how Phoenix was supposed to be have this Dream Team Backcourt with Penny Hardaway and Jason Kidd? Who's kidding who? Not even Danny Ainge wanted to stick around to watch this nightmare unfold. The Clips even have a chance. NBA: Clippers at Phoenix, FSN2, 6 p.m.

THURSDAY

The Collins twins' twin-killing down here would effectively dent UCLA's non-NIT plans and knock USC down a notch. If the Bruins need a win, go see Cal. NCAA: Stanford at UCLA, FSN2, 7:30 p.m. (Also: Cal at UCLA, Channel 7, Saturday at noon).

FRIDAY

Here's what we know about Zimbabwe: It's summer right now in this Southeast Africa country, the exchange rate is pretty favorable ($1 U.S. to $12 of theirs), and Pete Sampras has no desire to visit. Lucky for him, he was able to escape this Davis Cup/National Geographic safari because of a hip injury he suffered during his semifinal loss to Andre Agassi in the Australian Open. ``To tell the truth, I don't think Pete really wanted to make the trip in the first place,'' said U.S. captain John McEnroe. ``Would he have been with the team if he'd won that fourth-set tiebreaker against Agassi?'' Depends on what would have happened in the finals, right? Davis Cup opening singles matches: U.S. at Zimbabwe, ESPN2, 9 a.m. (tape delayed). Also: ESPN2 has the doubles match Saturday at 7 a.m. and the two reverse singles matches Sunday at 10:30 a.m.

SATURDAY

Tiger Woods has some win streak going - what is it, zero-in-a-row at Pebble Beach when Bill Murray gets a bigger gallery than he does? Murray apparently won't be at the clambake this year, so the annual celebrity-mugs-for-TV day of the four-round tournament might now allow Tiger to lay low. This is an important tournament - they'll be back in June to play the 2000 U.S. Open here, when the weather's more agreeable. Golf: AT&T Pebble Beach Pro-Am, third round, Channel 2, noon. (Also: USA Network has the first two rounds Thursday and Friday at 3 p.m. on tape; CBS has first and second-round highlight shows Thursday and Friday at 12:35 a.m. CBS has the final round Sunday at noon.) SUNDAY

The No-Hits-Allowed All-Star Sunday starts in Toronto with that goalie- be-gone North America vs. The World hockey matchup, where even the fans aren't completely sure why some guys are on one team and not on another. Our guess is North America's team, which includes the Kings' Rob Blake, will get most of its players from Canada and the U.S.; don't expect any help from Mexico. Later, it's off to Hawaii, where tackling is optional. NHL All-Star Game, Channel 7, 11:30 a.m.; NFL's Pro Bowl, Channel 7, 2:30 p.m.

THE TOP SHELF

WHY BEER DRINKING AND OTHER COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOR IS THE AMERICAN WAY

--Book title: ``American Fan: Sports Mania and the Culture That Feeds It''

--Author: By Dennis Perrin

--Find it: Spike Books (Avon), 230 pages (with index and sources); $23.

--First hint this one will be good: Perrin's book dedication: ``To God Shammgod, A Personal God.''

--The gameplan: In the first chapter, Perrin asks: ``Why is such emotion spent on overdeveloped strangers?'' That, and other not-so-absurd inquiries about the confounding character traits of people who call themselves sports fanatics are at the core of this.

--The execution: Perrin breaks it down into four categories - patriotism and religion, race, celebrity (the premise that the media is nothing more than professional fans) and marketing. With concise examples and blunt language, Perrin nails it, and then some. In essence, Perrin shows how fan behavior is fueled by primal urges, tribal passion and a less-enlightened outlook on life in general. But he doesn't use those kind of antiseptic analogies. It's real-life, street-smart observations that will rattle a few holier-than-thou cages.

--Another reason why it rings true: Perrin looks at other fan-related books, such as Mike Lupica's recent ``Mad as Hell.'' Perrin calls it nothing more than ``a marketing effort to prove that millionaire Mike is on the side of the little guy . . . (but) his disgust has not altered his dealings with the pig culture he describes.''

--Bathroom-reading rating (on the scale of 1-to-10): Nine emphatic flushes.

- Tom Hoffarth

CYBERSPORTS

A LOT OF CREDENTIALS; NOT A LOT OF CHOICES

Maybe there is a greater sense of credit-card security. Or it's just that vicarious thrill of lining the pockets of three of our country's greatest sports stars.

Whatever the case, if buying an overpriced pair of cross-trainers or a set of barbells from a Web site supported by John Elway, Wayne Gretzky and Michael Jordan sounds too cool to pass up, then they've succeeded in getting your business at MVP.com, which launched this week in concert with heavy promotion at the Super Bowl.

What the All-Star Cafe is to food, MVP.com hopes to be more for the Net.

The three may have little experience with Internet ventures, but lending their name to this is ``something that definitely helps us on the marketing side, especially with all the dot-coms out there,'' said Elway, MVP.com's chairman. ``Critics say, `well you think you'll be successful because you have a lot of high visibility athletes involved.' Well, we know it's not true.''

``We will really contribute to this business,'' promises Jordan. ``It's not just a name or an endorsement.''

There are 25,000 items for sale, but ironically, nothing from Jordan's gravy train, Nike. Items, especially footwear, from other big-name makers like Adidas and Converse are also limited to just a few styles.

The other hook to this is that the icons will offer suggestions and tips on what to buy. Jordan, for example, says about basketball shoes: ``If you don't have a shoe that offers support for your feet and ankle, you're headed for lots of injuries.'' Thanks, Dr. Scholl.

Financial backers of MVP.com include L.A.-based venture capital funder Freeman Spogli. It also has established a sales link with CBS SportsLine.com, and plans are to spend $50 million in advertising.

Without much to choose from, what's the point?

- Tom Hoffarth

CAPTION(S):

2 photos, 3 boxes

Photo:

(1) The America's Cup semifinals continue today

(2) no caption (cover of American Fan)

Box:

(1) SURFING THE TUBE (see text)

(2) THE TOP SHELF (see text)

(3) CYBERSPORTS (see text)