THE WRITING ON (AND OFF) THE WALL: IN OTHER WORDS, DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

The Dodgers have three chances of making some sort of comeback in the second half:

1. Bud Selig's funky new realignment goes into effect and they're all by themselves in the NL West. (OK, throw in the Padres to make it balanced.)

2. Kevin Malone goes to Atlanta and smuggles Al Leiter, Ryan Dempster, Tim Hudson and Trevor Hoffman in his carry-on without anyone noticing.

3. Davey Johnson submits his resignation. . . .

--Oh, and by the way, all the Dodgers have to do is move Gary Sheffield to shortstop - the position he played when he came up with Milwaukee - and this need for ARod would end. . . .

--Tickets for Tuesday's All-Star Game in Atlanta started at $50. For standing-room-only. . . .

--Eric Karros didn't even make the top 10 vote-getters for NL first baseman? Did someone unstuff the ballot boxes?. . . .

--The Albuquerque Dukes' lone representative in the Triple-A All-Star Game is first baseman Chris Donnels, the former Loyola Marymount star who leads the Pacific Coast League in homers (26), RBI (77), runs (71) and slugging percentage (.721). And he's hitting .349.

By the way, Donnels is 34. Karros is 32. . . .

--At $475,000 this season, White Sox starter Jim Parque (8-2, 3.51 ERA) looks like a pretty good deal. . . .

--Obviously, Lindsay got word from Papa Richard about the fix still being in. . . .

--Venus and Serena sound like the next two expansion franchises for the WNBA. . . .

--And back in the Canadian Football League this season after a three-year absence . . . your Ottawa Rough Riders! . . .

--Twenty-seven of the Kings' 41 home dates for the upcoming season are either on Thursday or Saturday. . . .

--Does Tampa Bay really think it has a shot? Not at the Super Bowl but hosting the 2012 Summer Olympics. . . .

--So Missouri doesn't want to play UCLA in football. Meaning Larry Smith still can't stand the site of a Bruin. . . .

--It's Grant Hill who on the commercial tells people to ``obey your thirst.'' In this case, it's his thirst for Magic cash. . . .

--Figure skater Kristi Yamaguchi and Florida Panthers defenseman Bret Hedican were married this past weekend. In, of all places, Mauna Lani, Hawaii. . . .

--On TV news shows, they show clips every year at this time of people running away from bulls through the streets of Pamplona, Spain. Folks, this isn't news. . . .

--St. Louis Blues defenseman Tony Twist wins a lawsuit against comic- book guy Todd MacFarlane for his use of the name ``Twist'' as one of his characters.

Since when does a person own the rights to a verb? Shouldn't Chubby Checker get some sort of residual?. . . .

--MacFarlane might just name the character ``Twit,'' but then Twist probably would protest again. . . .

--And then there's Darrell Ishida, a guy from Glendale who won a contest that would have paid him $10 million if a certain major-leaguer hit for the cycle Sunday.

That player was Alex Rodriguez.

SURFING THE TUBE

TODAY

For its ballyhooed coverage of the now-depleted Home Run Derby, ESPN breaks out a thing called ``true tracker,'' a device that it claims will precisely measure the distance a ball would travel if it was unimpeded. ``I love baseball phrases like, `It went a country mile,' '' ESPN executive producer Jed Drake said. ``We'll now know just how far a country mile really is.'' Without Mark McGwire and everyone else, we probably won't. MLB Home Run Derby, ESPN, 5 p.m.

TUESDAY

How convenient for NBC to cross-promote its Sydney Olympics coverage - it's at the centerpiece venue from the `96 Atlanta Games. Network officials confirm most of this game will be shown live. MLB All-Star Game from Atlanta, Channel 4, 5 p.m.

WEDNESDAY

Ruben Sierra will make history when he represents the Rangers' Oklahoma Red Hawks in the Triple-A All-Star Game. The 34-year-old, hitting .335 with 10 home runs and 46 RBI in 41 games, will be the first to appear in this game after making a big-league All-Star Game (he did it four times with Texas in `89, `91, `92 and `94). Which is probably something you don't want to brag about to the grandkids. Triple-A All-Star Game from Rochester, N.Y., ESPN2, 4:30 p.m.; Double-A All-Star Game from Bowie, Md., ESPN2, 7:30 p.m. (delayed)

THURSDAY

Imagine a day-night doubleheader split between Dodger Stadium and Edison Field. Heck, what about any old doubleheader at either facility? MLB: Angels at Dodgers, Channel 9, 7:10 p.m. (Fox Sports Net has Friday's game at 7:10 p.m. and Fox Channel 11 has Saturday's game at 1:05 p.m.)

FRIDAY

The only time a women's world record was set at a U.S. Olympic Trials event was in 1988, when Florence Griffith Joyner ran the 100 in 10.49 - a mark that stands. Since Marion Jones wants to prove she can be the first to win five golds in track at one Olympics, she might not go all out in the 100 at this important meet at Cal State Sacramento, since she also has to run the 200 and compete in the long jump. She might have to, though. Her qualifying for the 100 and long jump start tonight, with the 100 finals Saturday and long jump finals Sunday. So her weekend is, yes, pretty full. And Saturday, her husband, C.J. Hunter, should be involved in the shot put final. U.S. Olympic track and field trials from Sacramento, Day 1, PAX Channel 30, 8 p.m. (delayed). NBC has Saturday coverage delayed from 8-9 p.m. and Sunday from 4-6 p.m.

SATURDAY

Everyone wants to see heavyweight champ Lennox Lewis face former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson. Here, you only get half the fun. And no children eaten. Boxing: Lennox Lewis vs. Frans Botha from London, HBO, 9 p.m. (delayed)

SUNDAY

Since next week's British Open will take a bite out of the field for the PGA's Greater Milwaukee Open, guys like Duffy Waldorf should get a pretty decent shot, eh? PGA: Greater Milwaukee Open, final round, Channel 7, 11 a.m. (ABC has Saturday's third round at 11 a.m.; Fox Sports Net has the first and second rounds Thursday and Friday at 12:30 p.m.)SIDEWAYS

THE SAFEST WAY TO CURE ROAD RAGE

--The place: NASCAR Silicon Motor Speedway at Universal CityWalk.

--The fun: Get behind the wheel in one of 12 scaled-down NASCAR simulator racers and compete against the field.

--Step 1: Register (includes signing a release).

--Step 2: Attend a prerace instructional meeting, showing how to buckle in, start the car, rev the engine, shift, turn and bail out with an emergency stop button.

--Step 3: Race. Each NASCAR replica car faces a video screen that shows the virtual race as it would look if you were competing on a track (such as Atlanta Motor Speedway). Hydraulics under each car simulate movement in the high-banked turns and jarring crashes. Accidents with other cars or bashing into the wall doesn't knock you out of the race, which lasts 10 laps, or about six minutes. Spectators can watch on a variety of monitors and punch up specific cars.

--Step 4: A race-summary printout includes your best lap time, top speed and a breakdown of each lap.

--A piece of advice: Don't eat before you do this.

--Another suggestion: Reserve the place for a party and race against your friends.

--The cost: $8 a race, plus $2.50 for a passenger. A $5 membership allows for 50 cents off each race, quicker registration (by phone or Internet) plus eligibility for leagues and competition events. A videotape copy of your race is $9.95.

--Hours: 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. Sunday through Thursday; 11 a.m. to 1 a.m. Friday and Saturday. Races start every eight minutes.

--More information: [phone] or at www.smsonline.com.

- Tom Hoffarth CYBERSPORTS

OH, AND COULD YOU SIGN THE FOOTBALL 'TO MY PAL KATO'?

Some of the questions that you might want to ask O.J. Simpson if you ever came face to face:

If you had to do it over again, would you hire someone?

What's the quickest way to get blood stains out of a carpet?

Paper or plastic when disposing of a knife?

A new Web site going up this week - www.askoj.com - could bring some closure.

``O.J. (is) one of the greatest football players to ever play the game and also centered in one of the most profound trials of American legal history,'' says the script on the home page. ``You have questions. And he's ready to answer them.''

Well, not today. The site isn't ready. Someday there will be a live event (it just isn't scheduled yet). And you'll be able to buy personalized autographed stuff (like a football for $59.95).

You've waited this long. What's another few days.

--A day on the links with John Elway interest anyone?

The Golf Channel is running a contest that requires you to go to its Web site (www.thegolfchannel.com) and register by Aug. 8 for the chance to win an all-expenses paid, six-night and seven-day vacation in Kiawah Island, S.C., which includes a round of golf with the former Denver Broncos quarterback.

--A site going by the name of Sportsgenies.com launched this weekend, claiming that ``your wish is our command.''

Which means, you wish for any sports-related item - like an athlete attending a personal event, a ticket to a sporting event - and they'll see what they can do. For a fee, of course. Doesn't hurt to ask.

--Baseball America magazine, which has a circulation of about 50,000 and a Web site at www.baseballamerica.com, was recently sold to a group that plans to expand its already in-depth coverage of the game, especially on the Internet.

``The future of Baseball America is as an Internet product,'' said Miles Wolff, former owner of the Durham Bulls minor-league team who sold the publication to publisher Lee Folger and his partners from Netzee, an Internet financial-services company. ``I don't have that knowledge and experience, as the new ownership does.''

- Tom Hoffarth

CAPTION(S):

photo, chart

Photo: Marion Jones

Chart: TV Today