THE STORIES YOU'D LIKE TO FORGET.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

You can't bid the 2006 sports scene adieu with just the swelling of violins and moments of glory.

The odd, the scandalous, the stupid all tried to steal a moment of our sporting time, too. Athletes can act just as vapidly as any anorexic starlet/pop star, without or with their panties.

Here are a few '06 moments that were just so bizarre or brain-dead they deserved a final look.

I like my burgers naked: Detroit Lions defensive line coach Joe Cullen was arrested twice in ninedays, once for drunken driving and once for what police in Dearborn, Mich., termed indecent and obscene conduct.

Cullen was driving his SUV through a Wendy's when a worker at the drive-through window noticed Cullen was in his birthday suit.

Apparently obscenity is one of those in-the-eye-of-the-beholder things.

The worker told police, ``The suspect did nothing obscene, other than being naked at the drive-through.''

Wait, they still have one more day: In the NFL's race of the year, the SanDiego Chargers and Cincinnati Bengals are down to the wire for which team can send the most players to the hoosegow in a single season.

The Bengals are in front 8-6, but Chargers fans claim it would be a crime to count their team out.

Some guys just get bored easily: Mike Tyson. Like anything else has to be said.

Tyson, taking time away from facial tattooing and dispensing of financial advice, managed to squeeze in some year, for a retired guy.

There were the pay-for-view exhibition matches nobody wanted to watch, a report the convicted rapist was going to work for Heidi Fleiss' new Nevada stud ranch (later denied) and now his latest scrape with the law.

Tyson was arrested Friday in Arizona on suspicion of driving under the influence and possession of cocaine after nearly ramming a police SUV in Buckeye.

Police said they grew suspicious after noticing Tyson attempting to wipe a white powder off his BMW's console and discovering two bags of white powder in his back pocket.

Tyson reportedly told police he was an addict. Maybe he can try the Pedro Guerrero defense: Just too dim to know better.

Wait until they find out about her pole dancing: Those minor leagues, you have to give it to them when it comes to unique marketing concepts.

Best this year goes to the Newark Bears of the Atlantic League, who, after Britney Spears was spotted driving with her 8-month-old son in her lap, came up with ``Britney Spears Baby Safety Night.''

All spectators were admitted free who attended the designated game with a baby, brought a baby toy, or simply dressed like a baby.

But they're deemed babe-a-licious: The year came and went and Danica Patrick and Michelle Wie remained consistent.

Patrick keeps coming close on the Indy Racing League circuit, with or without David Letterman. Unlike her PGA appearances, Wie, still only 17, battles tough on the LPGA.

Yet they have become the queens of sports marketing. And with Venus and Serena Williams fading and Mia Hamm retiring, it could prove only the beginning.

If they seem omnipresent now, just imagine if they actually ever win something.

Hey, buddy, I've got your back: Barry ``Puffy'' Bonds signs with the Giants for another $16million, while best friend and steroid dealer, Greg Anderson goes to prison for a third time for refusing to testify against him.

The glory that could have been: All Lindsey Jacobellis had to do was stay upright and she would have won the first Winter Olympic snowboard cross gold medal. Her nearest competitor was in France.

Instead, she went for a ``backside method grab.'' She lost her balance, fell and saw the gold slip away.

And showboated her way to an inexplicable silver and Olympic infamy.

How much if they say, ``I AM SLIME'': On Pete Rose's official Web site, he hawks autographed baseballs at $104 apiece.

But coming in April, he will auction off signed baseballs that also say, ``I'm sorry I bet on baseball,'' and the balls are expected to go for about $1,000 a pop.

You're not my mom: New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees threatened his attorney mother with legal action in October if she didn't desist using his picture in TV ads promoting her candidacy for a Texas appeals court.

Brees called his relationship with his mother, Mina Brees, ``nonexistent'' after it crumbled six years ago when he refused to hire her as his agent -- not because Dean Spanos called him a momma's boy.

Not staying ahead of the game: One moment you're a superstar and one of the most acclaimed soccer players in history, and the next you're a candidate for international anger management.

Zinedine Zidane didn't take to unkind words spoken to him about his mother or sister or those really ugly yellow soccer shoes and headbutted Italy's Marco Materazzi in the chest.

Headbutt, butthead -- soccer can be so confusing.

Momentarily captured by aliens and replaced by a zombie: The only explanation I'm buying for Reggie Bush's would-be lateral against Texas to a guy who hadn't touched the ball in his Trojans lifetime.

Now he's missing Marcus Allen: Al Davis looks like his mind is in the '70s, particularly Howard Hughes' '70s, and it ain't working so well for his Oakland Raiders.

The Raiders are the worst team (2-13) and organization in the NFL. That 2002 season when they went to the Super Bowl is now officially a mirage.

On his planet, every day is a circus: Terrell Owens is not of Earth. He is charismatic, extremely talented and stable as a homemade teeter-totter.

There was the supposed suicide attempt when he overdosed on prescription drugs, going Charles Barkley on us and claiming to be misquoted in his autobiography, falling asleep in a team meeting and claiming a sleeping disorder, yelling at teammates, pretending to take a nap in the end zone after a touchdown and spitting on Atlanta cornerback DeAngelo Hall. Scariest part: None of it was too surprising.

He and others will no doubt be at it again in 2007 -- not that we're watching.

[e-mail]

[phone]

CAPTION(S):

photo

Photo:

Italy's Marco Materazzi falls after being headbutted by France's Zinedine Zidane in the World Cup final.

John MacDougall/Getty Images