THE QUEEN OF MEAN BUT MICHELLE PFEIFFER'S 'BAD GIRL' ACT IS ONLY FOR SCREEN.

Byline: BOB STRAUSS

>FILM WRITER

So gorgeous. So talented. So mean!

Don't know how, exactly, Michelle Pfeiffer became Hollywood's biggest villainess this summer. Sure, she's played ladies of questionable character in the past -- "White Oleander's" murdering mom, "Batman Returns'" whip-cracking Catwoman, "Scarface's" trophy coke wife -- but they all had, shall we say, their reasons for being bad.

Not the case with scheming Velma Von Tussle in the well-received musical version of "Hairspray." Nor the ancient sorceress Lamia in this week's release of "Stardust," an adaptation of Neil Gaiman's best-selling fantasy book co-starring Robert De Niro, Claire Danes and Peter O'Toole. Lamia will stop at nothing to regain her long-lost loveliness -- something the 49-year-old Pfeiffer, decked out in skinny jeans and a beaded, ruffled tank top, appears in no danger of imminently misplacing.

Funny, unpretentious and self-deprecating, Pfeiffer is a lot nicer in real life, too. Her husband of many years, Emmy winning writer-producer David E. Kelley, obviously thinks that she is. Her two tween kids (a son 13, a daughter 14) tolerate her just fine, too, which at their ages counts as a ringing endorsement.

And however wicked she's acting, it's great fun to see Pfeiffer back on the screen again after too long an absence. We were eager to catch up with her, even if we were maybe a little scared to at first.

In "Hairspray," Velma tries to seduce Christopher Walken's character, and he's not interested. Did that ever happen to you?

Well, I'm kind of shy in that way. I'm not the sort of person who makes the advances. In fact, if somebody's making advances on me, you have to drop a house on me. I mean, I'm completely oblivious. I've been hit on by people that, by the time they had their lips stuck to my lip, I'm just like, "Oh?" And then I'm somehow justifying, "Maybe they're not really into this." It's just ridiculous, the denial that I go into.

How long did it take you to realize that your husband was interested?

We were set up. So it was obvious to me that this was a potential romantic relationship. Maybe that's why it was successful. I had to have somebody say: "Here!"

There's a romantic destiny theme in "Stardust." Do you buy that stuff?

No. Because I think life is really about the choices that you make. I worked really hard to be the kind of person that I was when I met my husband, and if I hadn't I wouldn't have been ready for him. I wouldn't have appreciated it, I would have sabotaged it in some way.

So I wouldn't call it destiny, if you will. Maybe I would look at it more as facing different forks in the road. Sometimes you get your mind going in a certain direction, but other opportunities come along and you just don't see them. For me, it's about recognizing that.

Are bad girls more fun to play than good ones?

They are, but I always approach them with a lot of hesitation because there are so many pitfalls in terms of underplaying it or overplaying it, or playing too much into it and not really finding her humanity. You don't want to just get up and play evil.

In "Stardust," we tried to find, at times, how sad it was for this character to have that moment of recovered youth; to move without pain and look beautiful, and then see that being stripped away. I'm not sure how much of that actually comes through, but you try to sort of sneak those moments in -- whilst never forgetting that your primary obligation is to be hated.

"Stardust" is quirky and complicated for a fairy-tale movie. How would you describe it?

It's this really interesting, action/mythic/romance/

adventure movie. It's just all these things rolled into one; it's very hard to describe. It's got an incredible cast and takes place in all of these different worlds. So there are all of these different acting styles, but for once when everyone's in a different movie it actually works for the movie. It's just charming, charming, charming.

And the special effects?

The movie is stunning. It is. I mean, I look hideous, but the movie is beautiful.

Not having to worry about looking beautiful all the time must've been fun.

Not. It's not one bit. You know, the idea of it is really fun. But the reality of (wearing all those old crone appliances) is pretty uncomfortable. I don't want to sound like a big whiner, but it's four to five hours in makeup. And then it's hot and sweaty and it burns a little bit, and then it's an hour to get off and it's literally like peeling a Band-Aid off your skin. Slowly. It's like Chinese water torture. So, I'm glad I did it; I'm not sure how soon I'll be getting back into the prosthetics world.

You took a long breather from Hollywood. What have you been doing?

I've been painting. I don't really like to talk about it because I feel embarrassed. But it's kind of been an on-and-off thing my whole life. The trouble is, when I'm acting I can't paint, and when I paint I get very immersed. I was also, honestly, just very busy with a number of things and not finding anything that prompted me to go back to work. But that was compounded by the fact that I was really immersing myself in some painting courses. I actually enrolled in an art college. I was just loving it so much that I couldn't breathe.

How do your children feel about what you're up to?

My kids were starting to say, "Mom, are you ever going back to work?" Here I am, thinking I'm making this big sacrifice for my family. I'm like, "What do you mean? Isn't it great? I'm here. Isn't it nice having me home?" And they're like, "Uh, yeah. But we like visiting you at

work, too."

So I thought, better that they're actually kicking me out of the house than saying, "Where ya been? You're gone all the time."

You really do have a remarkable body of work. Do you ever look at your filmography and go, "Wow"?

I don't really think that way. I'm always charging ahead.

I've always been really afraid -- and I don't know why this is -- to be a person who lives in the past. So I never actually save things like reviews and souvenirs. I don't archive things. I just sort of shed it and move on.

Bob Strauss [phone] [e-mail]

'Hairspray' and 'Artic Tale' get royal treatment

Guess what other "Hairspray" star has another movie out?

It's Queen Latifah, who brings down the house as Motormouth Mable in the goofy musical. Her role in "Arctic Tale" is much subtler -- we never even see her -- but perhaps even more crucial. Latifah tells us the story of polar bear cub Nanu and walrus pup Seela as they struggle to survive on the shrinking ice floes of the Arctic Ocean.

Stitched together from more than 800 hours worth of astonishing nature footage shot by National Geographic and other camera teams, "Arctic Tale," which opens wide Aug. 17, is an often harrowing tale of survival (and sometimes not even that), as well as an urgent warning about the effects of global warming.

It may not be where you'd expect to find The Queen, but she could not be more pleased to be a part of it.

Ever think you'd be telling the stories of polar bears and walruses?

I loved "March of the Penguins." I love National Geographic, period. It's one of the channels I watch the most. I'm always fascinated by nature and the environment, what's going on. And the fact that they can capture these amazing images. ... I'm like, who the hell is under there, shooting that? So when they came to me with the idea that this movie spoke to the fact that there is a serious climate change going on, but that it is more personalized, I was in.

The bears and walruses are really several different animals, though.

The story just follows the life of this walrus pup and this polar bear cub, and I feel like that's something people will connect to, just like they connected to those penguins. I think that is kind of a smarter way to let people know what's going on. Sometimes people don't want to be told what to do, and they really don't know how to process it sometimes. But you can relate to a little walrus being affected. "Oh, it's so cute. And that bear cub is so sweet. What do you mean she can't find food?" It becomes personal to you.

Recording a dramatic narrative is a different experience isn't it?

They did a great job of pointing me in the right direction, in terms of the vocals. I was like, "Am I gonna have to go," -- she affects a portentous, breathy voice -- "This is Seela, a walrus pup"? But they got me going in the right way, showed me how to hit certain things so it came out all right.

After "Chicago," did "Hairspray" just seem like second nature?

It was a breeze compared to "Chicago." "Chicago" was no joke. There was so much pressure on everyone, because the only thing that had come before it in recent times was "Moulin Rouge," and it did really well. You could feel the intensity. And it was a totally different vibe. It was more seductive, more sexy, more adult. This thing is just like, "Yay!" all damn day. It was for me, for sure, because most of my scenes, I had a bunch of dancing kids around me, so even between takes it was just like having bees or hummingbirds buzzing around you, they were so wound up. So the energy on the set was just crazy. It was great.

>B.S.

CAPTION(S):

5 photos, box

Photo:

(1 -- cover -- color) Witchy woman

Michelle Pfeiffer lightens up her dark side in 'Hairspray' and 'Stardust'

(2 -- 4) no caption (Michelle Pfeiffer)

(5) no caption (Queen Latifah)

Box:

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