THE ONLY THING LEGENDARY ABOUT THESE DIVAS IS THEIR BAD ACTING.

Byline: Jim Farber Staff Writer

Whoever had the idea to revive James Kirkwood's 1986 catfight comedy ``Legends!'' -- about a pair of over-the-hill dueling divas -- and cast former ``Dynasty'' stars Joan Collins and Linda Evans in the lead roles could have done us all a favor by going back to sleep and forgetting the whole thing.

The original production, which was conceived for real-life enemies Carol Channing and Mary Martin, died a death in Palm Desert in January 1987, long before it ever reached the Great White Way. It did, however, inspire Kirkwood to pen a backstage tome about the horrible experience, ``Diary of a Mad Playwright.''

It's too bad his two sleeping cats were not allowed to rest in peace. At the opening of the ``Legends!'' Los Angeles engagement Thursday at the Wilshire Theatre in Beverly Hills, members of the audience seemed to be straining to enjoy themselves. Even so, one bitchy joke after another sailed by without provoking so much as a giggle. And with a top ticket price of $77.50, I'm sure there were those who wished they'd stayed home and watched reruns of ``Dynasty.''

Traditionally, an audience is meant to forget who is playing a role and lose themselves in the on-stage reality of the characters. Not so with ``Legends!''

The whole point is we're watching Collins and Evans. Their acting is secondary, and Kirkwood's reconceived script continually references (literally and tangentially) their glitzy television personas: ``I wouldn't do trash like `Dynasty!''' Collins proclaims.

It's a conceit that isn't worth the effort.

As the curtain rises, a flim-flam Broadway producer, Martin Klemmer (played frenetically by Joe Farrell), has somehow gotten Paul Newman on the phone. With a talent for scamming, Klemmer convinces the disembodied voice of Newman (and it is Newman's voice) that Sylvia Glenn (Collins) and Leatrice Monsee (Evans) are dying to co-star in ``Star Wars: The Play.'' Newman is skeptical. The last time he worked with the pair, he says, they had to be kept in cages. But if they're interested, he's interested.

With that, Klemmer is off and running and arranges for the two former adversaries to meet. Their reunion (at the swanky East Side Manhattan apartment of a friend) is a case of smoke and mirrors, as each pretends to still be on top of her glamorous game. The one thing neither has lost is a flair for bitchiness, of the, ``Oh, hello darling, I thought you were dead,'' variety. Collins and Evans produce an uncomfortable yin-yang of acting styles: The former (no stranger to the stage) overacts to the point of caricature, while the latter clearly is uncomfortable in her first stage role.

For all their cattiness, the first act is practically stolen by Tonye Patano as the wisecracking maid, Aretha, and Will Holman, who makes an unexpected appearance as a pec-

twitching, pelvis-thrusting Chippendales stripper.

The arrival of Klemmer (and the consumption of a tray of hashish-laced brownies) imbues the second act with an air of stoned silliness and newfound compassion. Under the spell of the hash, the women bare their souls, revealing struggles with fading fame, impending poverty, debilitating depression and breast cancer. By the end, (like Collins and Evans in real life) they decide they've nothing to lose by doing the play.

At least they'll have a regular paycheck, get to wear glamorous clothes, and enjoy fame and the roar of the crowd.

But there wasn't much roaring Thursday. John Bowab directs ``Legends!'' with a heavy hand. The fashionable costumes are by Nolan Miller.

What becomes a legend most? Not ``Legends!''

LEGENDS! - One and one half stars

Where: Wilshire Theatre, 8440 Wilshire Blvd., Beverly Hills.

When: 8 p.m. Tuesday through Friday, 2and 8 p.m. Saturday, 1 and 6:30 p.m. Sunday; through Jan. 28.

Tickets: $27.50 to $77.50. [phone]. www.broadwayla.org.

In a nutshell: Dueling ``Dynasty'' stars no legendary event.

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Photo:

In James Kirkwood's ``Legends!,'' Joan Collins, right, and Linda Evans play dueling divas.