THE MEDIA : SURVEY SAYS FORGIVE, THEN FORGET IT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

A TV Guide ``Special Report'' this week analyzes the results of an exclusive national poll it commissioned. The question posed:``Should Kathie Lee Gifford forgive Frank or should she divorce him?''

If you have to think more than 0.3 seconds to answer, go back six giant steps.

Forgive me for asking, but what in the name of Regis Philbin would prompt the 808 adults who took this survey to interrupt what little time they already have left on this planet and expend a quark of brainpower to actually ponder whether two TV personalities should start divvying up the Mikasa?

(Besides, the question is much too vague. Kathie Lee probably has had grounds for at least a separation based on the embarrassment she must face based on Frank's performance the last decade on ABC's ``Monday Night Football.'')

But enough's not enough. Through our own research, we asked those very same 808 adults (although 16 were quarantined with a form of rabies contracted by exposure to lemmings) to respond to more questions for our sports media poll x.

(x-We can't guarantee like TV Guide that the survey has a margin of error of plus or minus 3.5 percent. Ours could be a much greater spread. We only suggest the results speak for themselves).

Q: Do you believe NBC's Marv Albert is guilty of the sex charges brought upon him?

A: 42 percent said he has been falsely accused - the police should be on a manhunt for Fat Albert; 17 percent recall when Albert went by the name ``Joey Belle;'' 16 percent believe Albert is only guilty of having a bad hair day, day after day; 22 percent think NBC has video tape of the incident but it only shows that Albert was ``plausibly'' guilty; and 3 percent responded ``YESSSSSSSSS!''

Q: Are you upset that many major cable companies have stopped offering the Ultimate Fighting Challenge because it is deemed ``too graphic''?

A: 22 percent are more upset that Coors' new wide-mouth produces less glug; 42 percent admit they like to let out ``a real good belch'' before having to search for the remote control; 25 percent like hearing the word ``cockamamie,'' and 72 percent still haven't figured out how many sides there are in the Octagon.

Q: Does the fact the WNBA will be seen regularly on NBC, ESPN and the Lifetime Channel cause any confusion?

A: 22 percent were confused about what team the Spice Girls competed for; 14 percent (all from Boston) were confused by the league's name (they thought the ``W'' stood for ``White''); 61.5 percent are more entertained watching their clothes go around in a dryer at the Laundromat; 58 percent complained NBC failed to air the seventh game of the NBA Finals; 14 percent believed ESPN's Robin Roberts has psychic powers because she looks ``a little like'' Dionne Warwick, 6 percent are happy Jim Gray won't do courtside interviews to make the players cry, and 91 percent think it's great Dennis Rodman has a place to play on TV this summer.

Q: Can you name either of the participants in the World League of American Football's title game, otherwise known as World Bowl '97, that airs Sunday on Fox?

A: 112 percent answered ``no'' (some responded twice), but 16 percent really enjoy those commercials with that guy who dresses up like the queen of England (even if they're not WLAF commercials).

Q: Will watching the ``X-Games'' on ESPN and ABC this week inspire you to partake in more outdoor physical activity?

A: 94 percent feel they get ``enough of a workout'' watching ESPN2's morning exercise block; 71 percent feel they get enough of a workout watching Frank Gifford on hidden video; 22 percent believe kryptonite prevents them from being more active; 8 percent want casino card-counting as an ``X-Games'' event; 58 percent admit they don't feel the electric shock any more when they wet their finger and stick it into a wall outlet, and 16 percent have never operated an upright vacuum cleaner without adult supervision (98 percent of them are ``strongly considering'' moving out of their parents' house because of that).

Q: Since ABC is pulling the old 7-10 split from the Pro Bowlers Tour after 36 years this week, how will you spend your Saturday afternoons?

A: 93 percent decided to protest by getting haircuts like Bill Murray in ``Kingpin''; 48 percent called it the most tragic day since ``Petticoat Junction'' went off the air; 44 percent said they'd probably name their next child ``Schenkel;'' 16 percent admit they still have a crush on Earl Anthony and Johnny Petraglia; 18 percent got low-grade headaches watching Nelson Burton Jr.'s tips segment anyway, so it really doesn't matter, and 17 percent believe there is a conspiracy (the same people who complained their cable company didn't give them Fox Sports West 2 until they realized they hadn't ordered cable in the first place).

Q: Will you recommend watching the historic California 500 NASCAR race Sunday on ABC?

A: 83 percent recommend keeping a roll of toilet paper in the glove compartment when taking a long car trip.

SOUND BYTES

WHAT SMOKES

Baseball broadcasters doing interleague games. Some fumble with all the new names they've have to learn. More than a few misjudge fly balls in parks they've never seen. But most enjoyable is a somewhat rejuvenated Vin Scully slip in what he considers the pros and cons of NL vs. AL play during his Dodgers broadcasts this past week. After an Eric Karros home run floated out of the Kingdome, Scully blurted out: ``And they say Coors Field is a joke. This is something else.'' He then looked up the dates when the Colorado Rockies were hosting the Mariners. ``It's not until August . . . oh, by then the weather will be nice and warm and the ball will really carry. It's ludicrous.''

Comedy Central's Craig Kilborne, the former ``SportsCenter'' wise-acre, reporting on Keith Olbermann's departure from ESPN Wednesday night: ``Bristol's economy is bracing for the drop in the sale of liquor and adult books.''

WHAT CHOKES

Why the worldwide leader in sports failed to accommodate the simple needs of a Keith Olbermann. He just wanted some Berman-like respect - ease off the ``SportsCenter,'' do more reporting, oh, and move to New York. ESPN decided ``SportsCenter'' was bigger than Olbermann and told him thanks, but no thanks after five years that led to a book, baseball cards and new phrases for the sports cable audience. It may seem like Olbermann is pulling a David Caruso or McLean Stevenson here - leaving a hit series at its peak to launch his solo career but regretting it later. But he says there's ``always going to be a wistful regret because we couldn't continue it. I don't want to say I'm happy leaving. I'll miss Dan and working with him very deeply.'' Once upon a time, we'd have believed that the former KCBS Channel 2 sports anchor and KNX-AM essayist would actually be back in L.A. to give Fox Sports News a shot in the arm in exchange for a huge chunk of Rupert Murdoch's disposable income. But Olbermann's insistence on staying in New York (where he can watch the WNBA's New York Liberty games up close and see family members) seems to have become a much bigger deal in his personal life.

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