THE MAYOR OF TELEVISION.

Byline: > DAVID KRONKE

Emmy in a box

Your Mayor was interviewed by BBC Radio on Monday about the lamentable decision to hire Ryan Seacrest to host Sunday's Emmy Awards ceremony. Yearning to salve diplomatic relations between our two countries, which were sorely tested when Tony Blair became branded Bush Junior's lapdog during the war in Iraq, I suggested the only reason Seacrest was picked was that the producers wanted to get Simon Cowell as part of the bargain; he'd sit at a desk to the side of the stage and inform Seacrest at intermittent stages of the ceremony what an abysmal job he was doing -- and dump on the quality of the nominees and winners in general.

All this, I informed the journalist in a Cockney accent that would have done Dick Van Dyke proud -- and while repeatedly calling my interviewer "Gov'nor."

This reminded me, however, that in my preparations for the fall TV season, I had overlooked the dispensing of sundry technical and minor Emmy Awards last weekend, something easily accomplished, because all right-thinking people were too busy taking in the cinematic blunderbuss "Shoot 'Em Up" rather than wringing their hands over who would take home the trophy for Creative Achievement in Interactive Television or Best Makeup (Non-Prosthetic).

The weekend's big winners were Discovery Channel's visual dazzler "Planet Earth," HBO's Bush administration buzz-kill "When the Levees Broke: A Requiem in Four Acts," and, for technical achievement in politically correct television, HBO's "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee."

But the biggest (and you know what I mean) winner was "Saturday Night Live's" "Dick in a Box" (watch it once more for old time's sake), which actually won a trophy for best song.

In accepting his pointy, gold-plated gewgaw honoring the highest achievements in the television arts, Andy Samberg (accepting on behalf of his collaborator Justin Timberlake) declared, "It's safe to say that when we first set out to make this song, we were all thinking, 'Emmy!' "

If just one winner in Sunday's televised ceremony will be that interesting, it almost might be worth watching.

Create your own 'Kid Nation!'

Well, this could have gone better: BrandWeek is reporting that the kerfuffle over "Lord of the Flies"-lite, child-enslaving reality show "Kid Nation" is drowning out any noise that CBS' other new shows might be making but scarcely has helped it lure advertisers.

"On Sept. 5, Yahoo listed 'Kid Nation' as the most-searched show among new fall series," the magazine says. But then it quotes someone at a TV research group rather ominously named Human Insight (and who will co-opt that for their show's sinister, secretive organization first, "Heroes" or "Bionic Woman"?) saying, "Clearly, the interest among bloggers to write about the show has not only increased, but eclipsed interest in writing about any other CBS show."

CBS wanted something controversial, and they got it. And now it's time for them to to relearn, yet again, the fact that you can't put the toothpaste back in the tube.

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