THE HYPE HIGH 5.

Fee-five-fo-fum, we think it's time for a little fun.

So what better way is there than to offer up a selection of utterly off-the-wall ideas from the Houston Chronicle to improve your quality of life?

What's that? These problems aren't on your top-five list of major issues? Hey, we can't help it if you don't understand what's REALLY important in life.

5 WAYS TO TO GET YOUR WIFE TO REALIZE THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW THE TOILET PAPER HANGS

Remind her that the toilet paper still works, no matter what side it hangs on.

Leave the toilet paper off the roll altogether; that way she'll complain about that and won't worry how it's on the roll.

Tell her it's time to go back to nature and replace the toilet paper with fig leaves and grass.

Toilet-paper her car.

Learn origami and turn the end ``square'' of toilet paper into an interesting, albeit useful, objet d'art. This won't prove anything, but it'll make her wonder who you are and what you've done with her ``real'' husband.

5 WAYS TO MAKE SOMEONE LAUGH

-- Wear a fake nose to work (but don't be too conspicuous about breathing through your mouth).

-- Put a whoopee cushion on someone else's chair.

-- Don a mullet hairpiece at the office.

-- Stick a pink flamingo in your next-door neighbor's yard (when he's not looking).

-- Do the hokeypokey. Anytime, anywhere.

5 WAYS TO GET YOUR HUSBAND TO PICK UP HIS DIRTY SOCKS

-- Attach this note to every pair of his clean socks: ``I am not a pair of magic socks. I can't walk to the laundry basket without you. Please help me.''

-- Hide the TV remote control in the laundry basket -- it will remind him the basket exists.

-- Record a message and play it repeatedly as he sleeps: ``Dirty socks go in the laundry basket.''

-- Throw away all socks that are not in the proper drawer, in the laundry basket or on his feet.

-- Place sticky notes all over the house with special messages such as: ``This is the kitchen. We do not eat or cook socks. If your socks are on the floor of this room, they are in the wrong place.''

ON DVD/VIDEO

A MONSTER HIT: The date: Nov. 2. The event: the release of `Shrek'' on DreamWorks video and DVD. The reason to look forward to it: an extras package (especially on the DVD) that would choke a donkey. So to speak.

Eleven hours.

That's right. For the 90-minute ``Shrek,'' the studio has assembled 11 hours of programming. Chief among these is an all-new, extended ending on the double-disc DVD. The new footage picks up where the movie left off and continues the party with more than 150 characters showing what goes on after the fairy-tale ending.

Also included will be an inside look into the technical aspects of making the film, along with DVD-ROM and set-top games; commentary by the animators; ``technical'' goofs; ``interviews'' with the characters, including Shrek, Fiona, Lord Farquaad and Donkey; and Smash Mouth's ``I'm a Believer'' music video.

The coolest thing, though, figures to be a feature called ``Shrek's ReVoice Studio,'' a never-before-used DVD ROM program that enables viewers to voice the lines of their favorite characters.

The ``Shrek'' VHS and DVD will also feature an instant-win game offering X-Box video game consoles with the TDK ``Shrek'' video game, ``Shrek'' customized Kia Sedona mini vans and other prizes.

``Shrek'' earned more than $260 million in theatrical release, making it one of the biggest box-office hits of the year so far.

- Rodney Richey

QUOTABLE 

``I was a neophyte as far as babies are concerned. Ryan's mom ran a day- care center when he was a kid, so he can diaper in nine seconds flat.''

- Reese Witherspoon

praising her multitalented husband, actor Ryan Phillippe, in People magazine

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) PHILLIPPE

(2) SHREK