THE DAILY NEWS WATCH-O-RAMA HIGHLIGHTS AND LOWLIGHTS OF THE COMING TV WEEK.

Byline: David Kronke

``The Long Shot''

(Hallmark Channel; 9 and 11 tonight, Wednesday at 9 p.m.)

Think: A destitute mom (Julie Benz), an irrepressible little girl (Gage Golightly) and a horse surmount a horrible string of woes and wind up stronger, wiser and with resolute smiles upon their faces.

Don't think: Makes ``Seabiscuit'' look like a stirring tale of a horse and his owners beating the odds. Oh, wait: ``Seabiscuit'' is a stirring tale of a horse and his owners beating the odds.

In a nutshell: Terribly expository: ``And what about your financial situation?'' asks Dad. Well, that's one way of conveying the information. Pretty obvious in general, from plotting to performances.

``Queer as Folk''

(Showtime; 10 tonight)

Think: Fourth-season premiere of the melodrama set in Pittsburgh's fabulous gay scene finds Brian (Gale Harold) flat broke, Ted (Scott Lowell) in rehab, Michael (Hal Sparks) fighting for custody of his son, and so on.

Don't think: When, during a rehab session, Ted tells of getting so high he didn't know he was appearing in pornographic films, a fellow patient responds, ``We've all been there.'' Whoa - that Pittsburgh is one happening place.

In a nutshell: Niche show proudly uninterested in reaching a crossover audience, but basically a slightly tony, fairly racy soap opera consigned to forever dwell in the shadow of its more accomplished British counterpart.

``Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law''

(Cartoon Network; 11 tonight)

Think: The superhero-turned lawyer returns for a new season representing Inch High Private Eye in a case involving unlawful firing; future cases involve cyber-squatting and kids imitating washed-up daredevil Devlin.

Don't think: Tonight's episode probably averages one genitalia joke per minute. Involving former kids'-show cartoon characters. Ain't post-modern deconstructionism grand?

In a nutshell: Still delightfully bizarre, though more of the jokes these days tend toward the obvious.

``Infidelity''

(Lifetime; Monday at 8 p.m.)

Think: Physician, heal thyself: Kim Delaney stars as a family therapist who can't stop her flings that imperil her own marriage.

Don't think: ``Unfaithful Lite.'' Even the musician with whom she trysts and the bar he performs in are amusingly sanitized.

In a nutshell: Her behavior, it's explained, is due to the fact that her father also had affairs (you might, too, if your wife looked like John Lithgow in ``The World According to Garp''). As did her grandfather. So it's genetic, or something. Did Delaney's father also appear in mediocre TV movies? Psychologically shallow, tepidly sensationalistic.

``Monster House''

(Discovery Channel; Monday at 8 p.m.)

Think: Host Steve Watson and his crew transform a home into a mad scientist's lair. At least they try to: Complications abound.

Don't think: These guys do all this stuff in five days, while my contractor's been tinkering in my kitchen for almost two months.

In a nutshell: Sure, these places look pretty cute, but wouldn't people get sick of all the gimmickry fairly soon? Nonetheless, it's entertaining enough watching the design team build and bicker (not necessarily in that order).

``Patriots Day''

(KCET; Monday at 9 p.m.)

Think: Droll ``American Experience'' documentary on re-enactors of the Battle of Lexington and Concord, which began the American Revolution.

Don't think: History buffs or crackpots running around in $1,500 costumes? You make the call.

In a nutshell: Slow in starting, but it's certainly educational to watch cell phones and school buses employed in the Revolutionary War.

``Family Plots''

(A&E; Monday at 9 p.m.)

Think: ``Six Feet Under - The Reality Program'' Docu-series about a family-run San Diego mortuary. When we first meet this outfit, they've apparently forgotten that they're supposed to have a body at a funeral site that morning.

Don't think: Would grieving families really sign off to appear on a show about the wacky misadventures behind the scenes of a funeral home? The proverbial 15 minutes of fame comes a little too late for some of the show's participants.

In a nutshell: It promises more macabre fun than it actually delivers, and scarcely as thoughtful and probing as ``Six Feet Under'' at its best, but a quirky curio nonetheless.

``Are We Cannibals?''

(National Geographic Channel; Monday at 9 p.m.)

Think: Documentary provisionally answering the question of the title in the affirmative. Which would seem to put ``Family Plot's'' operation out of business.

Don't think: Watch while munching ladyfingers.

In a nutshell: From the opening - a proper British narrator properly intoning, ``Cannibalism: The act of eating human flesh'' - the film has a problem establishing an appropriate tone, veering from exploitative to campy to straightforward.

``The Restaurant''

(NBC Channel 4; Monday at 10 p.m.)

Think: The second season of Mark Burnett's reality series about celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito's overpriced Olive Garden focuses on a major power struggle between Rocco and financier Jeffrey Chodorow.

Don't think: Type the name of DiSpirito's restaurant - Rocco's 22 - in at Google, and the first three entries are porn related.

In a nutshell: Though parts of last season felt like watching dry paint stay dry, this season - which has already resulted in a messy lawsuit and counterclaim - offers plenty of fireworks and, thankfully, far less product placement. And, naturally, no one winds up looking very good, but the charismatic Rocco probably looks the worst.

``World in the Balance''

(KCET; Tuesday at 8 p.m.)

Think: We're becoming a planet of old people, this ``Nova'' installment tells us, then explains what that portends for us. Isn't the world always in the balance, at least as far as documentary filmmakers are concerned?

Don't think: At the same time, the film tells us that the global population will increase by 50 percent in the next 50 years. Which means a lot of newer, younger people. So which is it - are we young or old?

In a nutshell: A globe-trotting affair (China, India, Africa, Japan) exploring issues of AIDS, the environment and population control that feels more anecdotal than definitive; intriguing and sobering nonetheless.

CAPTION(S):

3 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) ``THE RESTAURANT''

(2 -- color) ``HARVEY BIRDMAN...''

(3 -- color) ``WORLD IN THE BALANCE''