THE BIG, UNCARING LUG ONLY DROPS BY ON PAYDAY.

Byline: Dennis McCarthy 

Call a good divorce lawyer and start divvying up the community property. The Valley's talking about leaving that bum L.A. again.

For over 20 years, I've been hearing that voice in the Valley threatening every so often to kick out the big, uncaring lug and end the marriage.

But L.A. always comes crawling back - asking for forgiveness, and promising to straighten up and pay more attention to us.

The bum swears he'll stop putting on airs and paying more attention to that floozy West L.A. or that old, rich broad Brentwood.

He needs the Valley. That's why he keeps promising the Valley the moon - more police, good schools, better services, the whole nine yards of TLC.

But does the bum ever make good on his promises when the pillow talk ends? Does he stick around long enough to see the roses wilt?

Nah, he's already gone back to shooting pool and hanging out all day and night in every other corner of this city - taking care of everyone's business but the Valley's.

The only time he is seen in Valley is on payday, when he stops by to pick up the paycheck and drop off his dirty laundry.

I don't know about you, but I'm fed up with it. Let West L.A. and Brentwood do the bum's laundry from now on. Let the bluebloods on Bunker Hill cook him dinner. Let the slicks in Century City pay off his bad debts.

The rat can get an apartment downtown and hang out with whomever or wherever he wants because it's time to change the locks in the Valley.

Find another sucker to pay the bills and do the vacuuming, L.A. This marriage has been on the rocks for too long.

It's been a marriage going through the motions because two paychecks were better than one. But the Valley has been footing the bill for too long.

Los Angeles Mayor Richard Riordan as much as admitted it last week when he said losing the Valley would be a "disaster" for L.A.

"The Valley is a key part of the city and is driving our economic recovery," Riordan said.

I don't blame him for panicking. Who wants to lose their meal ticket?

It's been the Valley's paychecks that have kept this family afloat, but let's face it: We're not getting any younger.

You want to stick around and grow old supporting an ungrateful spouse for the rest of your life?

Not me. It's time to make the break, and see what's out there for us - maybe fool around a little with Ventura or Simi Valley.

I wouldn't even ask that bum L.A. for alimony. Just cut us loose, baby.

We did a quickie phone poll on the idea in this paper last week, and by almost a 9-to-1 margin, Vals thought we should get the ball rolling and file for divorce.

The only downside to leaving L.A. that I can see is that we'd have to create another bureaucracy to replace the one we just left. We'd have to elect more politicians.

Yeah, I know, distasteful. But at least they'd be our politicians, our bureaucracy.

If we caught them cheating on us, like L.A. is, Valley voters could just throw the scoundrels out without having to worry about what people in West L.A., or any other part of this city thought about it.

We'd be our own city - do what the heck we wanted in our own city.

Sounds kind of nice, doesn't it?

The Valley - a city.

You can almost hear it roar.