THAT GREATEST OF AMERICAN LIES REFUSES TO PERISH: THE NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION : GOING TO LOSE WEIGHT, STOP SMOKING? RIGHT.

Byline: DENNIS MCCARTHY 

Here we are again, on the eve of another New Year, getting ready to do what every red-blooded American always does tonight when the clock strikes midnight.

Lie.

Officially, it's called making the traditional New Year's resolutions, but you and I have broken enough of these babies to know what we're really talking about here.

On no other day of the year except, perhaps, April 15, do Americans lie with straighter faces than on New Year's Day - the day we officially cleanse away the old sins of '96 and begin to work on the new sins of '97.

A new beginning, of sorts - swearing to ourselves that we're going to break those bad habits and start on some good ones. That we're going to find a higher meaning to our miserable, little lives.

Right. And Michael Ovitz is returning the $90 million Disney gave him to walk among the poor with Mother Teresa, instead.

Quick, name me the last resolution you kept? No, spending more quality time with your family at Santa Anita racetrack doesn't count.

Can't remember one? How about a resolution you kept for a couple of months? One month? Still can't? OK, I'll make it real easy. How about till Jan. 2?

Don't worry about it. None of us ever keeps those things much beyond the time the New Year's Eve hangover wears off.

For instance, how many of you have sworn on New Year's Day over your third Bloody Mary and fourth chili dog watching the bowl games that you're going to lose some serious weight this year and get in shape?

To prove it, you've just gone out and spent a few hundred bucks you don't have for a treadmill or stationary bike on sale.

OK, 'fess up. How long did it take you to return the damn thing last year with some lame excuse to the sales clerk about getting two of them for Christmas and only really needing one to get into shape?

Better yet, how many of you just keep your exercise machines around the house and use them to hang clothes on when you're too lazy to hang them up in the closet?

I've found that the Nordic Track makes a great clothes rack.

All right, resolution lies Nos. 2 and 3: You're quitting smoking and not eating red meat because somebody you knew just kicked the bucket from a heart attack, and he was younger and in better shape than you are.

Good luck. Even fear of an early death is no match for a rack of baby back ribs and a smoke for many people.

I'll give you till mid-January before the vegetable casserole lands in the deep freeze and you're stampeding Stuart Anderson's joint for some medium-rare cow.

Another popular resolution we con ourselves into thinking we can keep is trying to be a better person - i.e., be nice to your fellow man.

Maybe this still works in small-town America, but in Los Angeles, only shut-ins have a shot at keeping this resolution. If you have to go out in public more than, say, once a week in L.A., you're dead.

One trip to the mall, one drive on the freeway, one long, slow moving line at the checkout line with somebody trying to cut in, and we all start sounding like Rocky yelling for Adrian after he beat Apollo Creed.

Another one of my favorite broken resolutions is promising to live within your means - i.e., not spending more than you earn.

This usually lasts until the beginning of February when the agents of Satan - Visa, MasterCard and American Express - start blowing in our ears with higher lines of credit and frequent-flier miles.

Before you know it, we're all living on plastic and spending money again like Disney just let us go.

My New Year's resolution lie this year is to try and spend less time watching ESPN and more quality time with my family - not that they're exactly clamoring for it.

I figure this resolution should be broken no later than Super Bowl Sunday.

My kid's already complaining about our quality time. I bought him a beginning chess set for Christmas so we can learn the game together.

He loves the idea so much the cellophane is still on the box, which is up in his room, deep in the back of his closet, behind the dirty clothes.

Every time I mention getting started on our quality time, he's out the back door like a shot.

My wife's not much better. Her quality time is shopping at the mall, without me rushing her. I told her my resolution this year was to give up ESPN on Saturday for the mall with her.

She looked like someone had just told her my parents were moving in with us for good. I got a feeling this year's resolution may set a new record for being broken fastest.

Happy New Year, and may all your resolutions make it through January.