THANKS FOR NOTHING.Byline: Fred Shuster and Evan Henerson Staff Writers In keeping with the year's apologetic tone, we're sorry for anything that follows that might offend anyone, past, present or future. With that in mind, here are our gizzards of the year - the most embarrassing, insipid, annoying and just plain stupid moments of '04. CREEP OUT Viagra's ``Wild Thing'' spot was the ad world's most impotent moment of '04. Opening with an apparently deranged de·range tr.v. de·ranged, de·rang·ing, de·rang·es 1. To disturb the order or arrangement of. 2. To upset the normal condition or functioning of. 3. To disturb mentally; make insane. Bruce Willis Walter Bruce Willis (born March 19, 1955) is an American actor and singer. He came to fame in the late 1980s and has since retained a career as both a Hollywood leading man and a supporting actor, in particular for his role as John McClane in the Die Hard series. look-alike stalking a female (who turns out to be his wife), we see the man pulling the woman into a lingerie store as a voice-over trumpets that thanks to the drug, ``He's back ... that guy who wanted to spend the entire honeymoon indoors'' and devil's horns in the shape of a ``V'' appear over his head. Last week, federal regulators did something right when they had the repulsive spots yanked because they overstated o·ver·state tr.v. o·ver·stat·ed, o·ver·stat·ing, o·ver·states To state in exaggerated terms. See Synonyms at exaggerate. o Viagra's effectiveness while omitting its risks. PERENNIALS Turkey season always brings out the flock: Michael Jackson Noun 1. Michael Jackson - United States singer who began singing with his four brothers and later became a highly successful star during the 1980s (born in 1958) Michael Joe Jackson, Jackson , Britney Spears, Martha Stewart and, of course, the baying hyenas of ``Good Day L.A.'' This year, Jackson continued his career-shredding descent into the criminal justice system on child-molestation charges, Spears married (twice!) and launched a dismally received tour that had to be scrapped midway through due to injury. Stewart entered prison, demanding that her own company pay her legal bills (our pal Richard Belzer guesses she'd probably settle for two copies of Playboy and a carton of Marlboros at this point). And then there's morning TV's Jillian Barberie and Dorothy Lucey, two middle-age women trying to act like hysterical 11-year-old girls in the grip of sugar shock. The shtick shtick also schtick or shtik n. Slang 1. A characteristic attribute, talent, or trait that is helpful in securing recognition or attention: (in which Steve Edwards plays the amused dad) is shrill, tired and embarrassing. Special mention goes to ``KTLA KTLA KCBS TV in Los Angeles Morning News'' entertainment ``reporter'' Sam Rubin, who's so deeply embedded in Hollywood's backlot backlot Noun an area outside a film or television studio used for outdoor filming that he'd lack credibility ordering a grilled cheese sandwich A grilled cheese sandwich, (also known as cheese toasty or toasted cheese sandwich) is a form of toasted sandwich that consists of two slices of bread and at least one slice of cheese melted in between. . Government in action John Miller, head of the LAPD's Homeland Security Bureau, was stopped at LAX for attempting to board a flight with an unlicensed handgun in his carry-on luggage. L.A.'s Skid Row: downtown's human catastrophe mere blocks from Disney Hall. When are civic leaders going to do something? The Bush administration's characteristically humane response when Cuban leader Fidel Castro fractured his knee and arm in a fall: ``I guess you'd have to check with the Cubans to find out what's broken about Mr. Castro.'' And, by the way, whatever happened to the ban on hand-held cell phones in cars? That sound you hear is some moron mo·ron n. A person of mild mental retardation having a mental age of from 7 to 12 years and generally having communication and social skills enabling some degree of academic or vocational education. talking about the latest ``Desperate Housewives'' episode as he crashes into you. AH-CHOO! The flu vaccine shortage. We haven't seen lines this long at local drugstores since the Botox crisis of '02. Verdict vultures Court TV's resident ghouls Lisa Bloom and Beth Karas. Yet another talking head with a shrill, painful delivery, Bloom wins this year's Golden Beak award for oozing oozing exudation of fluid. to the crying mother of a murder victim: ``I'm sorry we have to put this on our airwaves.'' Karas Karas may refer to:
King of all pickpockets Howard Stern's $500 million contract with Sirius Satellite Radio
adj. 1. Not mingled or diluted with extraneous matter; pure. See Synonyms at pure. 2. Out-and-out; utter: the unadulterated truth. greed as a battle for free speech. Stern is finally getting his lifelong wish to charge every one of his fans a fee to listen to his infinitely tiresome morning show. RAP (SHEET) AWARDS With a body count rising faster than Snoop Dogg's THC THC tetrahydrocannabinol. THC n. Tetrahydrocannabinol; a compound that is obtained from cannabis or is made synthetically; it is the primary intoxicant in marijuana and hashish. level, next year's hip-hop trophy ceremonies should probably take place at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center's emergency room. PRESIDENTIAL RACE Did we get the lesser of two evils or the evil of two lessers? Tablet torture Arriving at Hollywood's Kodak Theater with an epic budget, a movie-star Moses and a pipe dream of playing Radio City Musical Hall, the Old Testament-inspired stinker ``The Ten Commandments'' pulled in reviews straight out of the Gamorrah Gazette. Val Kilmer, the man with the tablets, gets lost in the crowd. Nice threads, though. When your producer is designer Max Azria, they'd better be. Girl trouble Why does ``love'' got to be so ... expensive? While prosecutors dropped the felony sexual assault charge against Kobe Bryant after the woman decided to stop participating in the case, the civil suit is moving forward like a fast break. Meanwhile, Fox News host Bill O'Reilly and former associate producer Andrea Mackris settled their dispute over her allegations that the far-right mouthpiece repeatedly sexually harassed her (the number of shekels she got is secret). And HBO Hyperbaric oxygen therapy (HBO) A form of oxygen therapy in which the patient breathes oxygen in a pressurized chamber. Mentioned in: Ozone Therapy ``Real Time'' host Bill Maher was sued by a woman who says he shook her at a party and reneged on promises to marry her and buy her a home in Beverly Hills. Love's hard labors Drug charges, assault and battery, a bad album - Courtney Love deserved a category all her own this year. The car-wreck rocker has been in the news all year thanks to a tour of courtrooms on both coasts, starring in four separate criminal cases. Most recently, Love pleaded innocent to attacking a female musician with a whiskey bottle at the Hancock Park home of her ex-boyfriend. At the same time, she's awaiting trial on separate charges of drug possession stemming from another incident in which she was arrested after smashing a window at the same guy's pad. In a third criminal case, Love pleaded guilty to being under the influence of drugs and was sentenced to a drug rehabilitation program. Love also pleaded guilty to a single charge of disorderly conduct disorderly conduct Conduct likely to lead to a disturbance of the public peace or that offends public decency. It has been held to include the use of obscene language in public, fighting in a public place, blocking public ways, and making threats. in New York New York, state, United States New York, Middle Atlantic state of the United States. It is bordered by Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and the Atlantic Ocean (E), New Jersey and Pennsylvania (S), Lakes Erie and Ontario and the Canadian province of after she was arrested for allegedly striking a fan in the head with a microphone stand. To add to Love's troubles, her ``America's Sweetheart'' record was almost universally ignored. All of which might explain why Love finally gave the green light to a much-delayed Nirvana box set this year. The ex-wife of late band leader Kurt Cobain must need a little cash infusion. FUN WITH SPORTS The basketbrawl that resulted in Indiana Pacer Ron Artest's season-long suspension was just the latest in a year of melees on and off the field. Chaos reigned at the Clemson-South Carolina game; members of the Cleveland Browns and Pittsburgh Steelers traded punches; Dodgers outfielder Milton Bradley had a bottle-flinging meltdown; and Texas Rangers pitcher Frank Francisco threw a chair that hit a woman in the stands, breaking her nose. Makes you almost miss hockey. GAYDAR Fox TV's attempts to lure viewers with gay-themed programming wilted faster than poinsettias in July. The net pulled two shows: ``Seriously, Dude, I'm Gay,'' a two-hour gambit in which two straight men competed for 50 grand by trying to pass themselves off as homosexuals, and the insipid ``Playing It Straight Playing It Straight is a 2004 American reality show in which one woman spent time on a ranch with a group of men in an attempt to discern which of them were homosexual and which of them were heterosexual. All of the men pretended to be heterosexual. ,'' in which a girl must pick a guy among 14 men, some of whom are gay. Viewers wanted no part of either one. All apologies Everybody had something to feel sorry for. After CBS' hat-in-hand act following the Super Bowl breast-baring incident, the net apologized for interrupting the ending of ``CSI CSI Crime Scene Investigator CSI CompuServe, Inc. CSI Commodity Systems, Inc. CSI Commodity Systems Inc. (Boca Raton, FL) CSI Crime Scene Investigation (CBS TV show) CSI Christian Schools International : NY'' with news of Yasir Arafat's death. Then ABC ABC in full American Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. television network. It began when the expanding national radio network NBC split into the separate Red and Blue networks in 1928. came calling with a so-sorry for showing Nicollette Sheridan's bare spine in a scripted skit introducing ``Monday Night Football “MNF” redirects here. For other uses, see MNF (disambiguation). Monday Night Football (MNF) is a live television broadcast of the National Football League. .'' You have to wonder if the apologies are cooked up even before the ``offense.'' TRIBUTES INXS INXS In Excess (band) INXS Internet Exchange Service How many AC/DC AC/DC adj. Slang Having a bisexual orientation. [From the likening of a bisexual person to an appliance that works on either alternating or direct current. knock-offs are enough? It sometimes seems like the entire Valley music scene consists of 300 tribute bands, all sharing the exact same members, devoted to Van Halen, Iron Maiden, U2 and Ozzy. It almost makes you long for karaoke. Banking on Rosie There are those who say so-called Queen of Nice Rosie O'Donnell had it coming. A musical-theater lover smitten with the Boy George musical ``Taboo'' when she caught it in the West End, O'Donnell trucked the production to Broadway, losing a ton of money and sparking a storm of ill will in the process. ``Taboo'' shuttered at a substantial loss after just 100 performances, but Rosie tried to pretty it up, crowing that entire mess was ``by far the most fulfilling experience of my career.'' One day, we might believe it. LOW CARB Low-carb fast food, pasta, ice cream, aromatherapy. Where will it end? Probably in a laboratory where scientists are trying to engineer the low-carb carbohydrate. For heaven's sake, on Thanksgiving of all days, give us the grub and let it taste decent regardless of its molecular construction. Lip-sync stink Dear Ashlee Simpson, it's a crying shame about that mic business on ``Saturday Night Live This article is about the American television series. For the show related to Big Brother (UK), see Saturday Night Live (UK). Saturday Night Live (SNL ,'' and we really hope you get the acid-reflux disease under control. If faced with a situation like that again, you might want to avoid being caught lip-syncing on a live show whose writers and cast members make fun of people for a living. Yours truly, Milli Vanilli. P.S. Keep taking the (purple) tablets. Fred Shuster, (818) 713-3676 fred.shuster(at)dailynews.com Evan Henerson, (818) 713-3651 evan.henerson(at)dailynews.com CAPTION(S): 14 photos Photo: (1 -- cover -- color) Turkey shoot We take aim at the stupidest moments of 2004 Toby Talbot/Associated Press (2 -- color) LOVE Steve Granitz/WireImage.com (3 -- color) no caption (Woman receiving a flu shot in her car) Mediha Fejzagic DiMartino/Staff Photographer (4 -- color) STERN Gregory Bull/Associated Press (5 -- color) BOY GEORGE Sara Krulwich/The New York Times (6 -- color) no caption (Fight at Pacers/Pistons basketball game) Clarence Tabb Jr./The Detroit News (7 -- color) no caption (John Kerry and George W. Bush) Jim Wilson/The New York Times (8 -- color) O'REILLY (9 -- color) MAHER (10 -- color) BRYANT (11 -- color) KILMER (12 -- color) KARAS (13 -- color) BLOOM (14 -- color) SIMPSON |
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