TELEVISION\All washed up on Malibu's shores.

Byline: Ray Richmond

You remember the Valley. It's that place where earthquakes happen, greaseballs hang out, and ne'er-do-wells do nothing for nobody.

More frightening still, it's a place where nobody has a tan, and its losers are constantly trying to infiltrate the world of people who do.

This is the gospel according to Aaron Spelling in NBC's "Malibu Shores," his new breath of salt air that trots out its cast of ripe young studs and studettes in search of mental acuity at 8 tonight with a two-hour series premiere.

It has all of the requisite sand, surf, sun, snobs and sin to go along with its saucy swimwear. But intellectual, "Malibu Shores" is not. If these characters didn't have dysfunction, they'd have no function at all.

Valley residents will simply love the characterization of the area as a haven for working-class yahoos. It's where our grunge high school hero Zack (Tony Lucca) hangs out, describing it as a place where "anything can happen ... but it never does."

The big plot in the "Malibu Shores" premiere surrounds the chiseled Zack and his budding romance with a pampered Malibu teen bunny named Chloe (played by Keri Russell, whose hair seems to have its own private ZIP code).

Things get ugly when the ever-sensitive Zack is sent by his parents to live with his sister in her Malibu beachfront mansion, and he makes a play for Chloe over the ugly objections of her oafish brother (Greg Vaughan) and his vapid tag-along pal (Christian Campbell).

The stage is set for a true "West Side Story"-like love tale, with snooty Malibu brats on one side and streetwise Valley toughs on the other, the subplots surrounding a 16-year-old girl losing her virginity on a dare and a kid burning down his own home in a desperate cry for help.

Besides playing off of inane regional stereotypes, "Malibu Shores" spits out laughable drama that appears to have been hatched in an alternate universe. The angst flows like Evian, and not a drop of it feels real.

And talk about absurdity. Spelling's son, Randy, has a small role in the series - playing one of the poor kids. To help him get into character, he probably had to switch from driving the Ferrari to a lowly Mercedes.

Wife times three: Having once known a woman whose husband was secretly living a double life with a second wife and children, there isn't anything terribly funny about a film that makes light of one man's attempt to juggle three wives in different parts of the country.

But that's "Frequent Flyer," a dumb and sometimes offensive TV movie (supposedly based on fact) that stars Jack Wagner as a commercial airline pilot who has one wife and son in Dallas, another wife in Chicago, and a girlfriend who is about to become his wife in Honolulu.

This is called bigamy, of course, and it's highly illegal. But this film attempts to skate an awkward line between caper comedy and uncomfortable drama, using wacky music to underscore the attempted loosey-goosey tone.

I never knew that ruining lives (including that of a young boy) was supposed to be amusing. In "Frequent Flyer," it's not. It's simply a pathetic attempt to mine entertainment from sociopathic deviance.

Even though the perpetrator winds up getting his in the end, Wagner is so deadpan and awful that it makes "Frequent Flyer" tediously misguided if not downright offensive.

Stop the play!: A&E rolls out a television adaptation of the 1962 Broadway hit "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!" tonight (7 p.m. and repeating at 11 p.m.). But it's not worth staying home for.

Peter Scolari ("Bosom Buddies," "Newhart") plays the lead in this shot-on-stage production, and his singing leaves much to be desired. Stephanie Zimbalist is more effective in a variety of roles.

But the real problem is why this musical was resurrected in the first place. It's not particularly tuneful (the best song being the closing "What Kind of Fool Am I?"), and its lame script is so politically incorrect today as to be painful. It's just a collection of lame stereotypes - some German, some Russian, some American.

There are some clever moments in "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off " but not enough to compensate for its outdatedness.

THE FACTS

The show: "Malibu Shores."

When: Premieres at 8 tonight.

Channel: NBC (Channel 4).

Starring: Keri Russell, Tony Lucca, Michelle Phillips, Greg Vaughan, Christian Campbell, Katie Wright and Randy Spelling.

Grade: D

The film: "Frequent Flyer."

When: 9 p.m. Sunday.

Channel: KABC (Channel 7).

Starring: Jack Wagner, Shelley Hack, Nicole Eggert and Joan Severance.

Grade: F

The play: "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!"

When: 7 p.m. and repeating at 11 p.m. tonight.

Channel: A&E.

Starring: Peter Scolari and Stephanie Zimbalist.

Grade: C

CAPTION(S):

PHOTO

Photo (1) These buff, beautiful young people hit the beach in NBC's "Malibu Shores" - when they're not too busy scuffling or throwing tantrums. (2) Peter Scolari and Stephanie Zimbalist face life's vicissitudes in A&E's "Stop the World, I Want to Get Off!" (3) Nicole Eggert and Jack Wagner star in ABC's "Frequent Flyer," about a triple-timing polygamist.