TAMING TANTRUMS `TODDLER-ESE,' NOT SPANKING, IS THIS MOM'S TOOL OF CHOICE.

Byline: Melissa Lalum Staff Writer

I heard it would happen. And occasionally saw it at the grocery store or when we were out to dinner.

Tantrums. But I wasn't a believer.

``We must be doing something right. Sean is such a good boy,'' I'd tell my husband smugly about our 2 1/2-year-old son. ``I really don't think the whole `terrible twos' thing is for real.''

Ha!

Stop laughing, all you moms and dads. The wake-up call arrived about two months before Sean's third birthday.

Now we're in the grips of ``the terrible THREES.''

With the spanking controversy back in the headlines -- this time because a California assemblywoman is trying to outlaw the practice for children under 4 -- I decided to share my own struggle with child discipline.

A typical morning

7:53 a.m.

Me: Sean, what would you like for breakfast?

Him: Eggs and cheese.

Me: How do you ask?

Him: Please.

So, I put the baby down (oh yeah, did I mention we have an 8-month-old, too?), and I lovingly fix scrambled eggs and cheese (with sides of pears and toast).

Me: OK, sweetie, come eat.

Him: I WANT CEREAL. CEREAL. NOT EGGS AND CHEESE. GET ME CEREAL.

Me: You asked for eggs and cheese, Sean. That's what you are getting.

Him: No, Mommy. CEREAL. I want CEREAL NOW. Get it for ME. (This time add uncontrollable sobs and big, fat tears and then repeat three or four more times).

After a timeout for launching his spoon across the table, he was somehow picking at cold eggs and cheese.

9:02 a.m.

Me: Sean, time to get dressed.

Him: No dressed. I want to wear pajamas.

Me: Please sit down. Let's put on this shirt.

Him: NO! I want the red shirt with stripes.

Me: It's cold outside, you need to wear a long-sleeved shirt. This one.

Him: NO! NO! NO SHIRT, MOMMY! (Now throwing himself on the floor and flailing about.) I WANT THE RED SHIRT and SHORTS. I WANT SHORTS. (Repeat another three times).

11:24 a.m.

Forget it. I'll spare you the details, just swap the word SANDWICH for CEREAL or NAPTIME for SHIRT and you get the picture. Tantrums were getting to be a way of life at our house.

Happy toddlers

Thankfully, I recently learned that Dr. Harvey Karp had written a second book, called ``The Happiest Toddler on the Block.''

Now, remember, we have baby boy No. 2 at this time, and I hadn't read a book since before he was born. I broke the rule of ``sleep when they sleep'' and opened Karp's book.

Karp is a pediatrician and child development specialist from Santa Monica who had a practice for 30 years. He now teaches at the UCLA School of Medicine and dedicates his time to educating parents on how to communicate with their little ones.

When Sean was born, Karp's first book/DVD, ``The Happiest Baby on the Block,'' turned out to be a lifesaver for me in coping with my son's first three months of life. It is one of the two books I recommend as must-reads before having a baby (the other is ``The Secrets of the Baby Whisperer''). It was filled with tangible, concrete advice and ways to take action -- no psycho-babble.

I went into his sequel on toddlers with pretty high expectations. Good news -- it does not disappoint. Karp has a knack for taking parents to a child's level. He explains they are like little Neanderthals who need to be civilized, and it is our job as parents to learn how to connect with them.

A new language

One of two key ingredients when taming tantrums is to use the ``Fast-Food Rule,'' which comes from the notion of repeating an order back to the customer to make sure you understand what they want.

Simply put, parents need to mirror a child's feelings through repetition of phrase and tone in order to help the child work through the tantrum. In essence, you are letting your child know that you understand how he or she feels, but not really agreeing with them or giving in to them.

Parents must also speak their child's language, which Karp calls ``Toddler-ese.'' Use short, easy-to-understand phrases, repeat them and make sure the right tone of voice and body language go along with it.

Now, get this -- the right tone of voice is not quiet and calm. Rather, it should reflect your toddler's intensity (without the screams). This goes for body language, too. So expressive faces or waving hands are a must.

When Sean started in on the breakfast tantrum, I earnestly said, ``No eggs, no eggs. You want CEREAL. You are mad, MAD, MAD. CEREAL. You want CEREAL for breakfast.''

I know, I know, it sounds a little goofy, but he quieted down right away and waited for my next move. Once he was calm, I told him he could have cereal tomorrow and he didn't want his eggs to get cold. He ate.

``One of the most curious things about Toddler-ese is that we all do it automatically when our kids are happy,'' Karp said in an interview this week. ``When a child has done something he is so proud of, we don't calmly say, `Mother is proud.' We chirp, `Hey!! You did it! You did it!! Yea You climbed all the way up by yourself Yea!! Good job!!' ... It's just that when they get upset, we kind of turn into zombies. We get somber and serious, and our voices get subdued, and our kids have no idea where their real parents disappeared to. It's like invasion of the body snatchers.''

Of course, it took us a while to figure all this out. When I read to my husband about Toddler-ese, he gave me a dumbfounded look and said, ``I don't get it. You mean, I have to act and sound like him?''

This is where we made a mistake. We read the book first and then watched the DVD. Parents, watch the DVD first. I'm usually not inclined to get both a book and DVD, but I strongly recommend it this time. See these strategies in action, then read the book for more details on what to do once your child has calmed down.

The spanking controversy

According to Karp, parents report a 50 percent to 90 percent drop in tantrums within the first week of using his methods. We aren't at 90 percent yet, but on our way to 60 percent to 70 percent. His book is filled with useful advice on teaching patience and respect, not to mention effective types of discipline.

``The no-spank (legislation) is a good idea, but it goes about it the wrong way,'' said Karp, taking issue with the possibility that parents who spank their toddlers could face up to a year in jail or a $1,000 fine.

``Sweden has had a no-spank law since the late 1970s. (But) they have no penalties or fines for punishment. Instead, they started a program to support parents and teach them what to do.''

And that is just what Karp is trying to do -- educate parents on respectful communication.

Well, it's working for us. ``The Happiest Toddler on the Block'' has given our family real ways to cope with the terrible twos (and threes).

Stay tuned: Karp says that he is working on a curriculum for future workshops focusing on toddlers. Hmmm ... I think that will be perfect timing for when our second son gets in touch with his prehistoric side.

Melissa Lalum, [phone]

[e-mail]

When discipline is a must

Dr. Harvey Karp says there are three types of behavior that call for immediate disciplinary action:

1. Child uses aggressive behavior

2. Child uses destructive behavior

3. Child breaks important family rules (like no jumping on the couch).

His book offers advice on punishment, including the tried-and-true timeout or loss of privilege.

CAPTION(S):

3 photos, box

Photo:

(1 -- cover -- color) Turning the tide

A better way to handle toddler tantrums ... without spanking

(2 -- color) Sean Quinn, now 3, began having tantrums just before his birthday. His parents say speaking Dr. Harvey Karp's ``Toddler-ese'' has helped.

Richard Quinn 

(3 -- color) ``The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old''

By Harvey Karp, M.D. Bantam Dell

Paperback book and DVD set $34.95

www.thehappiestbaby.com

Box:

When discipline is a must (see text)