Surviving domestic violence surviving domestic violence.

Disturbed by the frivolous level of debate by members of parliament on the Combating of Domestic Violence Bill tabled in October by the Ministry of Justice,. Sister Namibia spoke to two survivors of domestic violence. Here are their stories.

Anna Jakob's story

I was born in Berseba. I went to school there and wanted to become a nurse, but I got pregnant when I was 17 years old, before I could finish standard 6. At that time I did not know how my body functions. I did not even know that I was pregnant. I could feel this movement in my body and it scared me. In those days parents did not tell you anything about sexuality and how your body works. It was only when my mother asked me if I was still menstruating that I realised I was pregnant.

When my son was one year old I left for Walvis Bay and there I became pregnant again and I got two girls. The father of my first two boys died of TB. I had 8 children altogether but two have died. After leaving school I worked in shops and restaurants, and for six years in a hair salon.

It was the father of my two youngest daughters who damaged me. He was a very jealous man. I was not supposed to even speak to other women, and if I spoke to another man big quarrels and beatings would follow. A mere greeting by a man led to the violent attack that caused the way I am today.

He often drank and smoked dagga, and in this state he had no understanding of anything. I had to run away many times. When he started attacking me I would go away. When I came back later he was calm and then I would stay again.

Every time when he drank he would beat me. Sometimes when people spoke to him then he would stop. But when I got his second child things went from bad to worse, then he went to Keetmanshoop. After the child was born I also went to Keetmans and we stayed together but the beatings started again. So I left him and went to Windhoek. I was lucky, I got domestic work soon after I arrived in Windhoek. He came after me and found out where I stayed. We had not been together for about 4 years but when he found me I took him back because we had children. A month did not pass before the beatings started again.

One Saturday he and I and a friend of mine went to buy meat. All the time we were walking he smoked dagga. When we got home he said that other men had been speaking to me and so the quarrel started. I continued to cook the meat. I went inside the house and then I heard the voice of my friend saying "take care, he is stabbing you!" When I turned round to ask "Who?" it was too late, the bottle was in my eye. He had broken a bottle and prepared a sharp point which he used for my eye. I don't know what happened after that. I woke up in the hospital. The doctors told me that they would have to take out the damaged eye before it affected my healthy eye.

After that the people whom I worked for dismissed me. I thought of going home to live with my mother, but decided that I should look after myself and eventually found a new job as a domestic worker that I still have today.

But being half-blind has changed my life completely. When I had both eyes I was not struggling so much, I had everything I wanted, I had life. But now I do not have any life, I am crawling and do not know when I will stand up. I am working but I do not earn enough to even pay for my child's school fees. My last two children are still young, the boy is 14 years old and he became a street child when he was 10. I have no control over him. Maybe it's because I am not able to take good care of them and because I am not able to give them the things they need.

It was difficult for me to understand why the man who said he loved me did this thing to me.

After I was discharged from the hospital I went to the police to lay a charge and inform them where they could find him. I had to pry open my good eye to be able to see where I was walking on that day. He was arrested in Keetmanshoop. He was only jailed for four or five months and then got released with the prisoners who were pardoned.

When he came out he made a beeline for me. He said that he would buy me an artificial eye, that he would buy me expensive glasses, that he would marry me. So I went straight back to the police and told them that they had to do something about this man who was harassing me again after taking my eye. The only feeling I had left towards him was fear of what he would do next to harm me.

On the same day the police told him that he should not come near me and that he was not allowed to see the children. He never paid any maintenance for the children. He went back to Keetmanshoop and there he killed a member of his own family. Had I stayed with him I would be in my grave by now.

He was sentenced to 14 years and is still in prison. I went to the social worker in the hope that my children would get a grant from the government since their father was going to be in prison for a long time. I did not get any help from the social worker. This is because their father's name does not appear on the birth certificate of the children. I had to let go of that as well.

I tried to leave him earlier but he would find me every time I left. People would tell him where I was. I was afraid of him. Now I am in a good relationship with another man. I am happy. He does not beat me.

I believe that women who are in a situation like I was should leave. Only separation is a solution. If you stay then you will be damaged in one or another way. Even if you are Christian you have to let go of abusive relations. You cannot stay with someone who is abusing you. But I cannot imagine that other women are suffering the same way I did.

Many times before he blinded me he would come to my work place and beat me up there so that I lost the job. This happened so many times. Once I was working for a pastor but even there he would come and beat me up. Each time he would say that he would not do this again and yet it happened time and again. He had the sweetest tongue and would talk me into things.

I hope the new law on domestic violence will make it easier for women to get out of abusive relationships.

Uibasen's * story

I grew up on a farm but we moved to town before I started school. I loved singing in the choir and was very involved in sport - netball was my favourite. Although I wanted to become a teacher I left school in standard 6 because my parents were unemployed. After that I found a good job as a salesperson and worked there until I lost my sight.

My boyfriend with whom I had three children blinded me. He did not drink much but he was very jealous. I was not allowed to speak to another man. If a man spoke to me my boyfriend claimed he was proposing to me. If I went to a wedding he claimed I was only there to look for another man. There was no trust!

He did not have friends and because he was so jealous I also did not have friends. We started quarrelling a lot and there would be fights, whether he was drunk or not. He became so angry very quickly. My sister often told me to leave him before something terrible happened.

Once he knocked out my front teeth and I laid a charge and thought there would be a court case but nothing happened. When I healed I did not go back to the police to enquire about my case. Other times they just told me to go home and forgive him because we had children together.

I stayed with him because I did not want to have children with many different men. My first child already had a different father. After the beatings, he would ask forgiveness and be nice to me. My children loved their father.

That fateful Friday I was watering the garden after work when a man I knew greeted me in passing. When I went inside my boyfriend asked who he was. I said that I grew up in this town and know many people. I could see that he did not like that. That day was the birthday of the woman who looked after our children. So we bought some beer and cool drinks to celebrate with her.

A quarrel broke out about something and he threw his glass at me. The glass broke on the wall and while I was cleaning up I said "Why are you throwing a glass at me, what would you have done if this glass had hit my eyes and blinded me?" I became angry and hit him with the broom. He. did not say a word and sat on the bed. I went in and out of the house feeling upset.

I wanted to go to my parents' house, but I went in the house again and decided to go and sleep. In the bedroom he closed the door behind me, holding a cool drink bottle in his hand. When I turned around he hit me with it on the head. I said "Why are you beating me with the bottle, why are you not hitting me with your hand? When you hit me with the bottle you are killing me!" I fell. He sat on top of me and while I tried to block the attacks he hit me again with the bottle. The bottle broke and my left eye was blinded. At that stage I thought it was the blood that prevented me from seeing. Then he hit me the third time with the broken bottle and that damaged the right eye.

One of my girls heard my screams and said "Daddy, what are you doing to mum?" Then he let go of the bottle and the sharp point hit my right eye and blinded me completely.

I was shocked and did not realise what had happened and why I could not see. He screamed and said "I did something very wrong, I cut your eyes!" There was no telephone so we had to walk to the bus stop to find a taxi. None of them wanted to take me to hospital because of the blood, but one sympathetic person stopped at last. When I realised what had happened I wanted to commit suicide.

The police came to me while I was still in shock. I don't know what I said to them. The nurses said that the police would come back later when I was feeling better, but they never did. My boyfriend was charged but given bail.

When the court day came he and his lawyer went in, but I was told to wait outside. Everything was finished on that day. My family came out of the court crying and told me nobody had said anything about the fact that I was blinded by the attack. They said the case was dismissed. His lawyer came to me afterwards and realised only then that I was blind. Maybe the court case took place before the doctor submitted his final report which stated that I was permanently blind.

I was hurt so much by the way my case was dealt with. How could the court refuse to hear a person who has been violated so badly? The court had not said anything about my condition and how my children and I were going to survive.

People were saying that I should appeal. But I knew that appeals take a long time, and that you need a good lawyer to get any justice. So I decided that I did not want to continue with this case anymore. I was lucky to get advice from women who support others who have been abused, and with their help I decided to claim maintenance from my ex-boyfriend. The court eventually ordered him to pay maintenance to me for the rest of my life and to provide for the children until they finish school.

Maybe other women can learn from what happened to me. After I was blinded, many women who were being beaten by boyfriends or husbands, separated or divorced, said they did not want to lose their eyes. And I told many women about the way the court dismissed my case so easily.

My life changed dramatically after this incident. It took me a long time to come to terms with my blindness. There were times when I just wanted to die. At night I dreamt that I was going to work. Even now when I hear the buses in the morning I remember how it was when I was working myself.

I have seen all my children. Sometimes I want to see them again. I know their faces. My sister describes their faces to me and says they look like me when I was a teenager. I am keeping their images in my heart. I want to see myself again as well, and sometimes I sit in front of a mirror urging myself to see. When it rains the children sometimes say "Mummy came out in the rain and open your eyes, the rain will heal your eyes."

I am happily married now. I have accepted my blindness and I am singing again in my church choir.

There is so much violence in Namibia against women. Most of us call ourselves Christians but Christianity is not stopping the violence. When I was blinded I did not know about women's rights.

My advice to women is to leave abusive men and not allow themselves to be beaten. And our government must help women to enforce their rights. I am so happy about the domestic violence bill, which allows the person who has been hurt to speak for herself and to represent herself. I am urging the parliament to pass this bill.

(* not her real name)

Oorlewe huishoudelike geweld Oorlewe huishoudelike geweld

Sister Namibia was bale ontsteld oor die ligsinnige bespreking oor die Bestryding van Huishoudelike Geweld Wetgewing (Combating of Domsetic Violence Bill) deur Parlementslede en het met twee oorle-wendes van huishoudelike geweld gepraat. Hul stories word hier vertel.

Anna Jakob se storie

Ek was in Berseba gebore. Ek het daar skool gegaan en wou 'n verpleegster word, maar ek het swanger geword toe ek l7 jaar oud was, voordat ek standard 6 klaargemaak het. Op daardie stadium het ek nie geweet hoe my liggaam werk nie. Ek het nie eens geweet dat ek swanger was nie. In daardie dae het ouers jou niks vertel van seksualiteit nie en van hoe jou liggaam werk nie. Eers toe my ma my gevra het of ek nog menstrueer het ek besef dat ek swanger was.

Toe my seun een jaar oud was het ek Walvisbaai toe gegaan en daar het ek weer swanger geword en twee meisies gekry. Die vader van my eerste twee seuns het aan TB gesterf. Ek het 8 kinders altesaam gehad maar twee het gesterf. Na skool het ek in winkels, restaurante en vir 6 jaar in 'n haarsalon gewerk.

Dit was die vader van my twee jongste kinders wat my skade berokken het. Hy was 'n baie jaloerse man. Ek was veronderstel om nie eens met ander vroue te praat nie en as ek met 'n ander man gepraat het, het 'n groot stryery en slanery uitgebreek. 'n Groet deur 'n ander man het gelei tot die geweldadige aanval wat die toestand waarin ek nou is veroorsaak het.

Hy het dikwels gedrink en dagga gerook en in so 'n toestand het by geen verstand gebad van enige iets nie. Baie kere het ek van die huis geviug. Toe by begin het om my te slaan het ek soms weggegaan. As ek later terugkom was by kaim en dan het ek maar weer saam met hom gebly.

Elke keer as by dronk was het by my geslaan. Soms as mense met hom gepraat het, het by opgehou. Maar toe ek sy tweede kind gekry het, het dinge bale versieg. Hy het Keetmans toe gegaan. Nadat die kind gebore was het ek ook Keetmans toe gegaan en ons het bymekaar gebly maar die slanery het weer begin. Toe het ek hom verlaat en Windboek toe gegaan. Ek was baie gelukkig om gou 'n werk te kry. Hy het agter my aangekom en uitgevind waar ek woon. Ons was uitmekaar vir omtrent 4 jare maar toe by my gevind het, het ek born teruggevat want ons het kinders bymekaar gebad. Nie eens 'n maand het verbygegaan voordat die slanery weer begin het nie.

Een Saterdag het by en ek en my vriend gegaan om vleis te gaan koop. Al die tyd wat ons geloop het, het by dagga gerook. Toe ons terugkom by die buis het by gese dat ander mans met my gepraat het op pad en so het 'n stryery begin. Ek het aangegaan om die vleis gaar te maak. Ek het in die buis ingegaan en toe het ek die stem van my vriend geboor wat se "Pasop, by is besig omjou te steek!" Toe ek omdraai om te vra "Wie?" was dit reeds te laat, die bottel was in my oog. Hy het 'n bottel gebreek en 'n skerp punt voorberei waarmee by my in die oog gesteek het.

Ek weet nie wat daarna gebeur het nie. Ek het eers in die bospitaal wakker geword. Die dokters het my vertel dat bulle die beskadigde oog moes uitbaal voordat dit my ges onde oog sou aantas. Daarna het die mense vir wie ek gewerk het my ook laat gaan. Ek het daaraan gedink om buis toe te gaan en by my ma te gaan bly, maar het besluit om vir myself te sorg en uiteindelik het ek 'n nuwe huiswerk gekry waar ek steeds werk.

Maar om half blind te wees het my lewe heeltemal verander. Toe ek altwee oe gehad het, het ek nie so baie gely nie, ek het alles gehad wat ek wou he, ek het lewe gehad. Maar nou het ek nie enige lewe nie. Ek is besig om te kruip en weet nie wanneer ek sal opstaan nie. Ek werk maar ek verdien nie genoeg geld om eens vir my kind se skoolfonds te betaal nie. My laaste twee kinders is nog jonk, die seun is 14 jaar oud en hy het 'n straatkind geword toe hy 10 jaar oud was. Ek het geen beheer oor hom nie. Miskien is dit so omdat ek nie in staat is om goed na hulle om te sien nie en omdat ek nie in staat is om hulle die dinge te gee wat hulle nodig het nie.

Dit was so moelik vir my om te verstaan hoekom die man wat gese het dat hy my lief het hierdie ding aan my gedoen het. Toe hy uit die tronk kom het ek gedink wat hy nog aan my kon doen na dit. Hy was uitgelaat toe die regering sekere gevangenes verskoon het.

Nadat ek uit die hospitaal ontslaan was het ek polisie toe gegaan om 'n klagte te le en om hulle te vertel waar hy hom bevind. Ek het my gesonde oog met my vingers oopgehou om te sien waar ek geloop het daardie dag. Hy was in Keetmans gearresteer. Hy was in die tronk slegs vir vier of vyf maande voordat hy vrygestel was saam met die ander gevangenes wat verskoon is. Toe hy uitgekom bet, het hy reguit na my gekom. Hy het gese dat hy my n kunsmatige oog sou koop, dat hy my duur brille sou koop en dat hy my sou trou. Ek het reguit polisie toe gegaan en hulle vertel dat hulle iets moet doen omtrent die man wat my weer molesteer nadat hy my oog geneem het.

Op dieselfde dag het die polisie hom vertel dat hy nie naby my mag kom nie en hy was ook nie toegelaat om die kinders te sien nie. Hy het nooit enige onderhoud vir sy kinders betaal nie. Daarna het hy teruggaan Keetmans toe en daar het hy een van sy familielede vermoor. As ek met hom gebly het sou ek vandag in my graf gele het.

Hy was 'n vonnis van 14 jaar opgele en is nog steeds in die tronk. Ek het na 'n welsynwerkster gegaan met die hoop dat my kinders 'n toelaag van die regering sou kry omdat hul vader vir 'n lank tyd in die tronk sou wees. Maar ek bet geen hulp van die welsynwerkster gekry nie. Dit is omdat die naam van hulle pa nie op die registrasie vorms van die kinders verskyn nie. Ek het op die ou end tou opgegooi.

Op die oomblik is ek in 'n goeie verhouding met 'n ander man. Ek is gelukkig. Hy slaan my nie.

Ek glo nou dat vroue wat in 'n situasie is soos ek was hul mans moet verlaat soos ek ook moes gedoen het. Skeiding is die enigste oplossing. As jy bly dan sal jy op een of ander manier beskadig word. Al is jy 'n Christen moet jy jouself losmaak van gewelddadige verhoudings.

Hy het die soetste tong gehad en het my in dinge ingepraat. Hy het baie kere, nog voordat hy my verblind bet, na my werkplek gekom en my daar geslaan en so het ek my werk talle kere verloor. Een keer bet ek vir 'n pastoor gewerk maar hy het ook daar gekom en my geslaan.

Ek hoop die nuwe wet oor huishoudelike geweld sal dit vir vroue maklier maak om uit geweiddadige verhoudings te kom.

Uibasen* se storie

Ek het op 'n plaas grootgeword maar ons bet dorp toe getrek voordat ek skool begin bet. Ek het daarvan gehou om in die koor te sing en het ook belang gestel in sport -- netbal was my gunsteling sport. Alhoewel ek 'n onderwyser wou word, het ek die skool in standard 6 gelos omdat my ouers werkloos was. Daarna het ek werk gekry as 'n verkoopspersoon en het daar gewerk totdat ek my sig verloor het.

My boyfriend wat my blind gemaak het, is die vader van my drie kinders. Hy het nie baie gedrink nie, maar hy was 'n jaloerse man. Ek was nie toegelaat om met ander mans te praat nie. As 'n man met my gepraat het, het my boyfriend aangeneem die man wou 'n verhouding met my aanknoop. As ek byvoorbeeld na 'n troue gegaan het, het my boyfriend gese ek gaan daarheen om 'n ander man te kry. Daar was geen vertroue nie!

Hy het nie vriende gehad nie en omdat hy so jaloers was het ek ook nie vriende gebad nie. Ons het baie baklei, of hy dronk was of nie. Hy het bale gou kwaad geword. My suster het talle kere vir my gese om hom te verlaat voordat 'n verskriklike ding gebeur. Een keer het hy my voortande uitgeslaan en ek het 'n klagte ingedien en het gedink dat daar 'n hofsaak son wees, maar niks het gebeur nie.

Toe ek gesond geword het, het ek nie weer na die polisie terug gegaan om navraag omtrent my saak te doen nie. Ander kere het die polisie vir my gese om huis toe te gaan en om hom te vergewe aangesien ons kinders bymekaar het. Ek het by hom gebly want ek won nie kinders by baie verskillende mans he nie. My eerste kind bet al klaar 'n ander vader gehad. Nadat hy my geslaan het, het hy gewoonlik vergifnis gevra en goed teenoor my opgetree. My kinders het hul vader baie lief gehad.

Op daardie noodlottige dag was ek besig om die tuin nat te maak toe 'n man wat ek ken, my in die verbygaan gegroet het. Toe ek in die huis ingaan het my boyfriend gevra wie dit was. Ek het gese dat ek in die dorp grootgeword het en baie mense ken. Ek kon sien dat hy nie van my antwoord gehou het nie. Daardie dag was die verjaardag van die vrou wat na my kinders omgesien het. Ons het bier en koeldrank gekoop om haar verjaardag te vier. 'n Stryery het uitgebreek oor jets en hy het my met 'n glas gegooi. Die glas bet teen die muur gebreek en terwyl ek besig was om dit op te vee het ek gese "Hoekom gooi jy my met 'n glas, wat sou jy gedoen het as hierdie glas my oe getref bet en my verblind het?" Ek bet baie kwaad geword en horn met die besem gesinan. Hy het nie 'n woord gese nie en bet net op die bed gesit. Ek was bale ontsteld en het in en uit die huis geloop.

Ek wou eers na my ouers se huis gaan maar bet toe in die huis ingegaan en besluit om te gaan slaap. Toe ek die slaapkamer inkom het by die deur agter my gesluit, met 'n koeldrank bottel in sy hand. Die oomblik wat ek omgekyk bet, het by my met die bottel oor die kop geslaan. Ek bet gese "Hoekom slaan jy my met 'n bottel, boekom slaan jy my nie met jou vuiste nie? As jy my met 'n bottel slaan is jy besig om my dood te maak!"

Ek het geval. Hy het op my gesit en terwyl ek probeer het om die houe met my hande te keer, bet hy my weer met die bottel geslaan. Die bottel het gebreek en my linkeroog was blind. Op daardie oomblik het ek gedink dat dit die bloed is wat keer dat ek kan sien. Hy het my vir die derde keer met die gebreekte bottel geslaan en dit bet my regter oog beskadig. Een van my dogters het my buiproep geboor en gese "Pappie, wat doen jy aan Ma?" Toe bet by die bottel lant val en die skerp punt bet my regter ooggetref en ek was heeltemal blind.

Ek was so geskok en het nie besef wat gebeur het nie en hoekom ek nie kon sien nie. Hy bet geskreeu en gese "Ek bet 'n baie verkeerde ding gedoen, ek bet jou oe gesny!" Daar was nie 'n telefoon nie en ons bet na die busstop geloop om 'n taxi te kry. Geen taxi wou my na die hospitaal toe vat nie, omdat ek so bebloed was, maar een simpatieke persoon het uiteindelik gestop. Nadat ek in die hospital opgeneem is en besef bet wat gebeur het, wou ek selfmoord gepleeg het.

Die polisie bet my besoek vir 'n verklaring terwyl ek nog geskok was. Ek weet nie wat ek aan hulle gese bet nie. Die verpleegsters het gese die polisie sal weer kom as ek beter voel, maar hulle het nooit weer gekom nie.

My boyfriend was aangekla, maar is op borgtog vrygelaat. Op die dag van die hofsaak bet by en sy prokureur die hof binnegaan, maar ek is aangese om buite te wag. Alles was op daardie dag afgehandel. My familie het huilend uit die hof gekom en gese niemand het iets genoem dat ek as gevolg van die aanval blind is nie. Hulle het ook gese die saak is uit die bof gegooi. Sy prokureur het na die tyd na my toe gekom en eers toe besef dat ek blind is. Die hofsaak het miskien voorgekom voordat die dokters hul finale verslag ingedien het wat se dat ek permanent blind is. Ek was baie seergemaak oor die manier waarop my saak hanteer was.

Hoe kan die bof weier om die persoon te hoor wat so baie skade berokken is? Die hof het niks van my toestand gese nie of hoe ek en my kinders sou oorleef nie.

Mense het gese ek moet appelleer. Maar ek het geweet dat dit 'n lang tyd neem en dat 'n mens ook 'n goeie prokureur nodig het om enige regverdigheid te kry. Ek het besluit om nie verder met die saak aan te gaan nie. Ek was so gelukkig om raad te kry van vroue wat ondersteuning aan mense wat misbandel word gee en met hulle hulp het ek besluit om 'n eis in te dien om onderhoud van my boyfriend te kry. Die hof het hom verplig om onderboud aan my te betaal vir die res van my lewe en om vir die kinders te voorsien totdat hulle klaar is met skool.

Miskien kan vroue leer uit my storie. Ek het baie vroue vertel van hoe die hof my saak so maklik uitgegooi het.

My lewe het dramaties verander na daardie gebeure. Dit bet my 'n lank tyd geneem om my blindheid te aanvaar. Daar was tye wat ek net wou dood gaan. Baie nagte het ek gedroom dat ek oppad werk toe is. Nou ook as ek die busse in die oggend hoor dan onthou ek hoe dit was toe ek vir myself gewerk bet.

Ek het al my kinders gesien. Soms wil ek hulle weer sien. Ek ken hul gesigte. My suster beskryf hul gesigte aan my en se hulle lyk na my toe ek 'a tiener was. Ek hou hulle beelde in my hart vas. Ek wil myself ook weer sien, soms sit ek by 'a spieel en dwing myself om te sien. Wanner dit reen se die kinders soms "Mammie kom uit in die reen en maak oop jou oe, die reen sal jou oe gesond maak."

Ek is nou gelukkig getroud. Ek bet uiteindelik my blindbeid aanvaar en sing nou ook in 'a koor.

Daar is deesdae so baie geweld teenoor vroue in Namibie. Meeste van ons noem onsself Christene, maar Cbristenskap stop nie die geweld nie. Toe ek blind gemaak is, het ek nie van vroueregte geweet nie, maar nou weet almal dat in Namibie vroue ook regte het. My raad aan vroue is om gewelddadige mans te los. Ons regering moet vroue help om hul regte uit te voer. Ek is so bly oor die wetgewing oor huisboudelike geweld wat die persoon wat seergekry het toelaat om vir baarself te kan praat en om baarself te kan verteenwordig. Ek versoek die Parlement om die wetgewing so spoedig moontlik te aanvaar.

(* nie haar regte naam nie)