Stunt Republicans.

New York City Republicans. They were about as suitable a combination as milk shakes and uranium tailings. Like a tricked out '78 Buick Electra 225 and a Popemobile. Like banana slugs and oatmeal. But the Republicans who showed up on stage weren't the fierce ideological warriors. These were stunt Republicans, the watered-down pastel version of the GOP. The Pink Republicans.

You remember them. These are the ones who showed up in Philadelphia four years ago. The inclusive, big tent, we're-all-in-this-together, can't-we-just-get-along, and aren't-those-minorities-talented Republicans. Always wondered what happened to them. Seem to have disappeared for a while. Must be cousins to those cicadas that burrow in the ground and emerge to feed on a set cycle years later. Like quadrennial insects, the masked Republicans crawled out of their holes to infest the American airwaves again.

Got to be perfectly honest here: no idea why everyone went gaga over California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's little talk. First off, it wasn't really an address; more like a string of cute one-liners.

But I will grant you, he does look impressive with his chin thrust forward. Just not sure a guy whose father was a Nazi should be striking that particular pose, much less giving inspiring speeches about escaping as a youth from under the thumb of a totalitarian regime, but there you go. Father being a Nazi and all.

I must admit also being a bit taken aback by the "economic girlie men" line. Wasn't this supposed to be the kinder, gentler Republican Party Convention? And now this blatant discrimination of economic girlie men coming straight from the podium?

What next? A proposed constitutional amendment outlawing marriage between economic girlie men? Taunting the unemployed with "God Hates Economic Girlie Men" placards? New this season on Bravo: "Economic Girlie Men Eye for the Straight Guy."

Countering Ronald Reagan Jr.'s appearance at the Democratic Convention, cranky Georgia Democrat Zell Miller crossed party lines to give the off-keynote. Asked why he doesn't just switch parties, Zig Zag Zell railed, "I was born a Democrat, and I'll die a Democrat." Nice logic, Zell. One question: Why the hell don't you act like a Democrat then?

The night before, the spoiled trust-fund-baby Hilton Sisters imitation by the Bush twins was evened out when Vice Principal Dick Cheney scolded the nation for even considering not voting for him and Bush.

Cheney also mocked John Kerry for expressing a desire to take a sensitive approach to the war, even though the last time the Veep scraped the barrel for this charge, the Democrats found footage of Bush saying the exact same thing.

But if logic were a requirement here, we'd all be in deep doo doo.

And we certainly wouldn't countenance vicious attacks on a veteran who served honorably in Vietnam by a guy who evaded service. Instead of laughed at for being ludicrous, it's effective!

Of course, in America, it's not what you do, but what you say, and more importantly, what you can get other people to say, that really matters.

Actions are always open to interpretation and ancillary to the continual restating of what you want people to believe happened.

If Orwell were alive today, he'd bow down to this Administration in awe. Or slap 'em. One of the two.

Will Durst doesn't envy Kerry's task post-New York. As W. C. Fields once said, "Never follow a kid or an animal."