Stressface: "bullet belts equal punky rock. Stud belts equal Punky Brewster".

AN UNBRIDLED LOVE of UPS. Sleeveless brown shirts. Bullet belts. Bringing a Stonehenge-worth of rock (and not that dwarf Styrofoam stuff, either, that outer space Druid shit). That's all I knew about Stressface. That, and they all work at No Idea Records. (Who didn't release their album, Oh ... You're Welcome.) There's absolutely no information about them available, so I had to go into this all dorky. I read the CD really carefully and scribbled notes like Colombo. I watched them live. Studied these enigmas. They reminded me of this: what if This Is Spinal Tap was really an instructional aide, but only half of the lessons were learned? What if there was a house band at the Spanish Inquisition that totally brought the house down, who made the torture seem not so bad? How did they get that cat to hold a rifle?

I really have no idea what your guys' story is, so if I blunder about, go ahead and correct me. Can I call you "dudes"?

Marbs Attacks: Can we call you "ma'am"? Sure.

Bad Mr Frosty: You may call us dudes, his dudeness, duderino, etc.

The Blade: Sure thing, bro. We're male, and not afraid to get loose, if that's what you mean by dudes. If you mean guys that hang out at the beach and listen to Pennywise, then I'd have to say--oh shit, we do that, too.

Irish Stout: Call us what you see fit. If you see dudes, then so be it.

Vardcore: Supreme Commander, Supreme Chancellor of Time and Space, Supreme Nachos.

Where'd the name Stressface come from?

Bad Mr Frosty: Its origin is actually older than time itself. It just needed a language that could actually pronounce it. Finally, we have arrived. You're welcome.

Is the No Idea logo Mr Stressface?

Bad Mr Frosty: No. It's Ben Snakepit.

What's the synaptic lapse between human tables and Stressface's dongs? Do Stressface dongs really look like tables?

The Blade: There's a bar in town and the tables are shaped in long rectangles with curved ends. We'd go there Fridays after work and hit up happy hour. We'd do shots. You don't want to be the bartender that tries to cut off Stressface.

Vardcore: Yes, our dongs all come with removable leafs, so we may extend our dongs to accommodate large dinner parties.

Vardcore, what's your record number of phones held simultaneously while rocking?

Vardcore: Uh, 489?

How do you get kittens to hold rifles?

Marbs Attacks: Velcro.

Irish Stout: There's a fucked up place hidden in the Smoky Mountains where they spend years training evil feline to do that shit. It's all funded by Fueled By Ramen.

Is Stressface really going to kill us all, or is the record subliminally already doing it?

Marbs Attacks: The record is a teaching device. It is there to take the lame out of you, and let you in on a little bit of our lives. It is really personal, like a diary or a slam book. No killing, just shredding.

Besides rocking, what attribute do all members of Stressface share?

Marbs Attacks: Really healthy gums. An acknowledgement and appreciation for superiority. A general badassness. And modesty.

Vardcore: A closet devoid of sleeves.

The Blade: We all find wisdom in the UPS calendars; great inspirational reading for any superband. If I may quote April 2006: "Let's crank up your productivity--without breaking a sweat." Not impressed yet? How about September: "Let's be standouts in a world of wannabees."

Why does Stressface rock bullet belts over pyramid stud belts?

Marbs Attacks: Because we have taste and class. And we like dangerous. What's dangerous about a pyramid belt? You might fall asleep with it on and get little sleep indentations on your tummy. Babies. Bullets, though, that shit can kill you.

The Blade: Bullet belts equal punk rock. Stud belts equal Punky Brewster.

You pioneered that shipping room recording studio. Stressface recorded where you all work. What back stock vinyl provides the warmest bass tones?

The Blade: Tired from Now On, Romantic. The bass on that's so deep, it's Miami-bass-glass-shaking. There's also a lot of them lying around. The newsprint from back issues of Razorcake does a great job of filtering out anything less than ideal.

The biggest riddle that plagues Stressface?

Marbs Attacks: Whose cabs are we borrowing?

Bad Mr Frosty: And can I use your kit? I brought my own cymbals.

Vardcore: What the hell do we do with all these abandoned sleeves?