Stop thief! Please!

Crime is going down. At least that is what the nationwide statistical evidence suggests. And as in so many things, New York City is leading the way. Crime was down 17 percent last year, 12 percent the year before, and we are assured that it is falling this year, too. But crime is not receding on Dutch Street.

Commonweal has been robbed - burgled, vandalized, pilfered, ripped-off, ransacked, you name it - twice in a mere two-week period. First the fiends broke into the office in the wee hours by tearing a hole through a wall from the outside hall. Through the wall! (As it turned out, the exterior wall had an unsuspected - at least by us! - vulnerability.) Once inside, the villains smashed a door and absconded with production editor Jackie Dowdell's computer hard drive, keyboard, and (very expensive) printer. Jackie, barely blinking an eye but muttering a Presbyterian oath, miraculously met her impending deadline. Our estimated loss was $6,000, plus a new appreciation of New York night life.

Over the Columbus Day weekend the thieves returned - this time drilling through the steel-plated front door - and more or less cleaned us out, taking $10,000 worth of office equipment and personal possessions, including two computers, our fax, the new printer, a scanner...well, it's too depressing to itemize. Then there's the cost of the new alarm system.

As you might imagine, we feel a little exposed to the elements at the moment. Yes, Job had it somewhat worse, but he didn't have a magazine to put out every two weeks. The only redeeming factors in this catastrophe are that no one has been physically endangered (yet), and it has momentarily taken our attention off the dullest presidential election race in memory. Yes, we are taking many steps to make the office secure - barbed wire? sentries? holy water? - but the work ethic of these cutpurses is intimidating.

Though we dealt stoically with the first break-in, the second intrusion has taken some of the wind out of our sails. Associate Editor Paul Baumann, known for his enlightened views on capital punishment, was heard expressing admiration for how certain Islamic regimes punish thieves. Senior Writer Robert Hoyt was shocked by this retributive ethic, and assured the staff that higher taxes and a federal jobs program (or just higher taxes) is the better response. "This is not what I mean when I praise 'entrepreneurial energy,'" countered Business Manager Richard Haas as he surveyed the wreckage and tallied up the damage.

Our editor calmed the staff by noting that burglary is not something people from Chicago, or the Upper West Side for that matter, do. She suspects the criminals came from New Jersey. Both Publisher Edward Skillin and Managing Editor Patrick Jordan prayed for the burglars, but also for the cops and the insurance company. Especially for the insurance company.

Bernard Prusak, our new intern, displayed an impressive equanimity, expressing a suspicion that the break-ins were part of an elaborate Commonweal hazing ritual, one that had begun with his being stuck in the building's elevator his very first week of work. Others hastened to note that the burglaries have suspiciously coincided with Bernard's arrival at Dutch Street. Even more suspiciously, just as we go to press Bernard announced that he has found a "spacious" Manhattan apartment.

Jackie Dowdell, soon to be beatified, has continued without (much) complaint to put out the magazine despite the fact that every time she turns around someone steals everything off her desk. However, she was seen sending off her applications to graduate schools using Federal Express.

In short, if you find us a bit jumpy for the next few issues, you now know the reason.