Stepfamily solutions: becoming part of a new family has its own trials and rewards.

Two years ago, Brittany Jones's parents got divorced. Their separation didn't surprise her. But two months after the split, Brittany's father delivered some shocking news: He had gotten remarried.

"I didn't expect it so suddenly," says the sixth-grader from Georgetown, Kentucky.

Along with the flood of mixed emotions from her father's remarriage came an even bigger challenge for 11-year-old Brittany--a new family. As is often the case, Brittany not only gained a stepparent, she also inherited a new sibling.

"I had never met my stepbrother," Brittany told JS. "I had only met my stepmom once. I felt disappointed I didn't get to spend any time with her before they got married. But I felt good that [my father] had found someone he loved enough to get married to."

According to the Stepfamily Foundation, 16.5 percent of American kids live in stepfamilies, or blended families, where both parents bring children into the marriage. For these children, family life can be a rocky, but ultimately rewarding, experience.

A LOT OF EFFORT

"When my stepmom moved in, I didn't know what to expect from her," says Brittany. "I didn't know what she expected me to do or how she was going to treat me. It was very important for her to like me since I was going to be a part of her life."

Like Brittany, many stepchildren may feel confused upon joining their new families. It generally takes four or more years, says Peter K. Gerlach, a social worker and board member of the Stepfamily Association of America, for stepfamilies to gel--to get used to each other's different personalities, habits, and lifestyles.

Kristin Nicholls's mother remarried almost three years ago. Over time, the 15-year-old from Sacramento, California, has developed a strong relationship with her stepfather and stepsister, 10-year-old Sydney. But it did take work, Kristin admits.

"We're more of a family now," she told JS. "We know each other a lot more. We know how to talk to each other. I didn't know a lot about my stepdad and stepsister. I had to get to know them."

RULES AND ADJUSTMENTS

Part of the bonding process for stepfamilies involves learning how each family operates. When two families join together, each comes with its own set of "house rules." In some cases, these codes of conduct (way of acting) can conflict with each other.

"Some families are strict, some families are a little looser," says Alan Hilfer, Ph.D., director of psychological training at Maimonides Medical Center in Brooklyn, New York. "One family's rules about bedtime, TV watching, curfews, and video games may be different than the other family's rules."

There are also emotional adjustments to make. Besides negotiating chores and curfews, kids often find themselves having less "alone time" with their biological parent. Coping with the loss of private time can be difficult. When Brittany and her older brother, Charles, stay with their father, they no longer have him to themselves.

"Before my father got remarried, we were used to spending all of our time with him," says Brittany. "We still get time, but it's different. My stepmom loves him and always wants to be around him."

And just because stepparents are crazy about each other doesn't mean their children will get along. Actually, psychologists say, children in stepfamilies don't have to be the best of friends. They do, however, have to find a way to live together.

Living under the same roof with his stepfamily has been a challenge for Derek Britton, whose father remarried last June. The 12-year-old says that his stepmother doesn't pay attention to him. He also has struggled to develop a relationship with his stepsister, Alyssa.

"We don't have anything in common because there is an age difference," says the sixth-grader from Escanaba, Michigan. "I like to play basketball, football, hockey, and golf. She likes to stay in her room."

WE ARE FAMILY

Other stepsiblings have found a way to make their relationship work. Although five years separate her and her stepsister, Kristin Nicholls says they enjoy hanging out and watching movies together. As for her stepfather, Kristin has made a point to spend time with him.

"I don't swim, but my stepdad is the swim coach at my high school," she says. "I go to practices and meets and help out. We're around each other a lot because of that. That's a bond between us."

With patience and understanding, Kristin, her mother, stepfather, and stepsister have become a family. Everyone's efforts to get along have paid off.

Says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Women of Divorce: Mothers, Daughters, Stepmothers--The New Triangle, "It's not going to work out overnight, but with time, kids will get the rich rewards of two families." Brittany Jones has experienced those rewards with her stepmother's family.

"Even the first time I met them," she says, "they showed me right away how much they cared about me. They tried to do everything they could to make me feel welcome in their family."

STEPFAMILY ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA

www.saafamilies.org

Your Turn

Think About It

What are some strategies teens can use to get along with stepparents and stepsiblings?

OBJECTIVE

Students should understand:

* Belonging to a stepfamily can be a tough but rewarding experience for children and adults.

TEACHING STRATEGY

Ask students to share any ideas or feelings that they might have about stepfamilies. Conduct a classroom discussion on how stepfamilies are sometimes portrayed in popular culture. Ask: "Are such depictions of stepfamilies fair and accurate?"

BACKGROUND

According to the Stepfamily Foundation, about half of the U.S. population is currently involved in some form of a stepfamily. The organization suggests the following tips for creating strong familial ties: establish honest, open, and positive lines of communication; patiently resolve any bitterness over the loss of a previous relationship; and emphasize positive attitudes.

THINKING SKILLS

MAKING CONNECTIONS: What are some challenges that children in stepfamilies might face? (Experts say that children in stepfamilies struggle to adapt to the new roles and responsibilities that occur when a parent remarries. Children might need to adjust to the loss of a relationship with a birth parent or sibling while getting to know new stepfamily members.)

CAUSE AND EFFECT: How did Kristin Nicholls improve relations with her stepsister and stepfather? (Kristin says that sharing time and activities with her stepsister and stepfather helped create strong bonds with them.)

ACTIVITY

STEPFAMILY INTERVIEWS: Ask students to interview a person they know who belongs to a stepfamily. Students should ask this person to describe his or her initial feelings and experiences of joining a new family. Make sure students realize that interviews can be conducted with children and adults alike.

STANDARDS

SOCIAL STUDIES, GRADES 5-8

* Individual development and identity: How members of a stepfamily work to establish strong bonds of love and trust.

RESOURCES

PRINT

* MacLachlan. Patricia, Sarah, Plain and Tall (HarperCollins Children's Books, 1987). Grades 5-8.

* Smook, Rachel Gaillard, Stepfamilies: How a New Family Works (Enslow, 2001). Grades 7-8.

WEB SITES

* Stepfamily Association of America http://www.saafamilies.org/

* Stepfamily Foundation http://www.stepfamily.org/