Spring Break forever!

SPRING BREAK IS KILLER. It's a time to party; get totally wild and party. I love Spring Break, man. Which is why I was so excited when Lee Dawg hit me on the hip to let me know I was getting invited on the Zero Spring Break US Tour.

"But Lee, it's July," I texted him.

"Shut up, Dude! SPRING BREAK!!!!" he texted back. He then sent me a photo of an orangutan in pants and suspenders giving the finger. I guess I got his point.

You might be surprised to hear this, but Zero owner Jamie Thomas was down for it too. He called me the next morning.

"Spring Break!" I yelled into the phone.

"Burnett, you ready to go?" he asked.

"SPRING BREAK!" I barked again.

"Chill out, Burnett." he said. He tells me that a lot. It's his way of swing, "Right on, buddy."

THIS IS GONNA BE SO SWEET

Our first stop: Lake Havasu, Arizona. Havasu is totally awesome, dude. It's the West Coast Spring Break capital of the world--an oasis of brews and bros in the middle of the harsh desert. You can rent party barges and, like, float out into the lake--get hammered, party. Needless to say. I was down.

In hindsight, I guess it was weird that I flew into Salt Lake City, Utah to get to Havasu, but that's where the ticket sent me. I got in the Spring Break spirit an the plane by slamming down a few 'Dews and reading the newest Maxim Stuff. Ramp, FHM and Stance Those mags are awesome and gave me some totally useful tips on bagging babes and on what to do if I ever get attacked by a tiger.

"SPRING BREAK!" I yelled as I pulled up to the skateshop. I guess the dudes wanted to stoke the Locals before we got on the party barge, so a little impromptu session popped off in the Technique parking lot. The crew was looking tight.

It was me, as you already know. Lee Dawg, Jamie "The Chief" Thomas. Ryan "Barbwire" Bobier. Jon "Air Time" Allie Chris "The Crusher" Cole. John "Ratt" Rattray, Matt "Mutt" Mumford. Adrian "Lopes" Lopez, Ryan "Smithers" Smith as well as new bucks Dan "Muff" Murphy, Garrett "King of the" Hill and James "the Rock" Brockman--a killer crew, whether on the boards or with the babes! Owww-oww!!!!

GET THIS PARTY STARTED RIGHT ...

Jamie blasted some fat JT airs over the box and Jon Allie mixed it up with some of the local ladies--some of whom were so eager for Spring Break they were ready to start some sort of wet T-shirt contest right there in the lot! Hold on chicks! We're down for a sneak preview, but why not wait for the big show in Havasu?

We drove around all night trying to find the road to AZ, but instead kept running into skate spots. Oh well, Spring Break lasts a whole week! Plenty of time to par-tay. Murf, Barbwire and The Crusher all got wild on a big-ass rail on campus while me, Ratt, and Lee Dawg rubbed on some tanning cream and worked out a few dance routines for the clubs. Just as Murf nailed his frontside crooks, Ratt effortlessly backflipped off Lee's shoulders, landing in a perfect splits. I could barely wait for Havasu.

We drove late into night, the time passing quickly thanks to Lee Dawg's I-Pod full of Spring Break party anthems. Billy Ocean told us about his Caribbean Queen, Eddy Grant took us on a tour of Electric Avenue, Cisco got us groovin' to his Thong Song and we all agreed with Sammy Hagar that we too could not drive 55. The next thing you know, it was morning.

LEE DAWG'S ULTIMATE SPRING BREAK MIXTAPE

Now, the goal here is to get your "freak" on. So with that in mind any song with "bootie," "grinding," "pushing it, "ass" and/or "backside" in it will be perfect. Here s a list of the songs that we played in rotation in the Zero van on tour:

1. "Pop that Coochie" by 2 Live Crew

2. "Daisy Dukes" by 69 Boyz

3. "Ain't No Fun (if the homies can't have some)" by Snoop Doggy Dogg feat. Nate Dogg 

4. "Get Low" by Lil' Jon and the Eastside Boyz

5. "Gimmie That Nut" by Eazy-E

6. "Donkey Butt" by 12 Gauge

7. "Too Much Booty In The Pants" by 2 Live Crew

8. "Put it in your Mouth" by Akinyele

9. "Tootsie Roll" by 69 Boyz

10. "Don't Fight The Feeling" by Too Short

NO FAT CHICKS

Golden, Colorado was the halfway point from Salt Lake to Havasu so we headed for the mall to pick out some new Spring Break gear. When dressing for Spring Break, you want your clothing to say, "I'm here to party!" or "Let's party!" Basically, you want to look hot and awesome, but also cool and fun. We headed for Spencer's Gifts.

"Check it out!" Lopes called from across the store, "It's cool 'cause it's totally true!" I agreed with the T-shirt he was holding up--Beer is Food. Not to be outdone, I selected an Official Bikini Inspector shirt. Just wait 'til the chicks see me struttin' around the pool in that one! Mutt got a Buttweiser shirt, Lee Dawg picked out one that said Can't Touch This!, Murf got an Osama Yo Mama! shirt (political, but totally partyable), Air Time scored a No Fat Chicks, Smithers grabbed a Farfrompukin', The Rock got a Whoop, There it Is!, Ratt got one with Calvin taking a piss on the Pope and The Crusher got a sweet ringer T with a totally stoned Smurf on it that said Stony Smurf. I forget what the other guys picked out, but they were all equally as awesome.

After stopping by Orange Julius, we were ready to hit the road when we ran into the dudes from 303 Skateshop who told us about an ESPN skatepark right there in the mall!

An ESPN skatepark? Yep, in addition to the X-Games and all those shows where they show skaters taking it to the nuts in time to aggressive rap-rock music, the TV network has moved into providing training grounds for the next generation of Rodil De Arauja Jrs and Dayne Brummets. It was on!

I checked out the action for awhile, then went and got a few new faceplates for my cell phone and some protein powder. By the time I returned, Mutt was almost riding away from one of the greatest moves in all of skateboarding: the frontside handplant. To put it in Spring Break terms, pulling a frontside handplant would be like parasailing over Havasu, having the cords somehow break and then drifting down over a sand volleyball game where you deliver the winning spike before landing in a hot tub full of babes! Awesome! And Matt was doing it! I got there in the nick of time, 'cause he set one down a couple tries later. The whole park gathered around for high fives before carrying him on their shoulders to the Hooters next door.

After a heavy dose of wings and thighs (if you know what I mean!) we were finally ready to hit the road for Havasu. But, not so fast! It seems once again Jon "Air Time" Allie was busy with the ladies--this time a spicy little number from around the way. The Spring Break caravan added one more car.

LA LA BONGA

I woke up early in the morning seeing what I thought were the sparkling waters of Havasu, but realized we'd made another wrong turn and I was really seeing the shimmering skyline of Kansas City, Kansas.

"Jamie, dude. Are you sure we're going the right way?" I asked.

"Burnett, chill," he answered. It made me feel a little better.

We pulled over to a hardware store parking lot to check the map. We'd gone off course alright, though Jamie didn't seem to see it. Just then, Barbwire jumped out of the van. "Lee Dawg. Do you realize where we are?" he asked.

"Yeah, we're in Kansas, numbnuts," Lee answered.

"No I mean, right now." Barbwire continued.

"A hardware store. So what?" Lee said.

"And what do they sell at hardware stores?" Barbwire asked.

"Hardware?" Lee asked.

"Yeah. They sell hardware, but they also sell plumbing supplies--like tubing and funnels," Barbwire smiled.

"I think I know what he's getting at!" The Rock piped in.

I was getting it too. That's when we all said in unison:

"Let's build a beer bong!"

I couldn't believe we'd gotten this far without one. Spring Break only lasts a week. That's only seven days. Point being--if you take the time to drink your beer the conventional way, you're gonna waste a bunch of time and get left behind like a chump. With a beer bong, you can funnel that fun straight down the old gullet and get on with what you're there to do--party! $14.95 later, Barbwire was hooking tube to funnel and we were in business. I celebrated by shotgunning a Zima right there in the parking lot. Even non-drinking Jamie got caught up in the fun--sucking down a prune smoothie in one slippery shot. "Boo-yaa!" he yelled as he tossed the bong down and jumped up into the van. A line of watery prune juice whipped out of the end of the tube and across my tank top. Everyone laughed. It was fucked up, man. My B.U.M. Equipment was like, perma-stained.

LAUDERDALE OR BUST 

Heading for the freeway, we spotted a concrete park and stopped for a quick sesh. Some bros from the Escapist shop showed up--as well as a few hundred kids--and the casual skate turned into what looked sort of like a very large demo. While the dudes ripped, I grabbed a few corn dogs and got some local gals to teach me the Macarena. It's not that hard, and so much more sensual than the Hokey-Pokey.

At this point we had to really assess the situation, We were at least a two-day drive away from Havasu and inexplicably heading East.

"I just don't see how we're gonna make it to Havasu if we keep heading East and stopping to skate all the time," I said.

Jamie gave me a look that let me know everything would be cool.

"Maybe that's because we're not going to Lake Havasu," The King chimed in.

"Yeah, maybe that's because we're gonna do Spring Break in Fort Lauderdale!" Murf hollered.

We looked at Jamie for confirmation. His detached glare let us know that Murf was right!

"LAUDERDALE!!!" we all yelled The trip suddenly had new legs.

Our bro Buddy Best called us the next morning as we were heading through Indiana. His shop, Rise, was throwing a little warehouse bash over in Indianapolis and he said he could get us on the guest list. As long as it was on the way to Florida, we were down!

The warehouse party was sick. Not only were there rockin' tunes but they even had a veritable skatepark in there. Before you know it, the boys were tearin' it up. It was hot as hell, but as Lee Dawg pointed out, the sauna-like conditions were a perfect place to sweat off a little of that water weight. We all took our shirts off, waved them around our heads like a helicopter for a little bit, then tied them around our foreheads bandana-style. Air Time, The Crusher and Chief killed the street obstacles while Mutt and Ratt dished out doubles lines on the mini. I must have lost 10 pounds in there! I celebrated my new beach bod with a boat of nachos and a Mike's Hard Lemonade.

That night we heard rumor of a kegger in a nearby small town. Air Time and King used an inverted trash can to practice their keg stands in anticipation. It was gonna be epic.

On the way over, James "The Rock" Brockman regaled us with one of his many crazy stories. This one involved dune buggies, a couple of airline stewardesses and some psychedelic toad stools. Man, that guy has lived! Once you get him talking, he's like a modern Mark Twain or something Wild!

ESTABLISHED MILWAUKEE 1851

As usual, we got our wires crossed and ended up at some big-ass rails, Whatever. The guys kept working on their keg stands while Barbwire and Air Time jammed on the bar--grinds, slides--the works! We got so excited we forgot all about the party and just kept on cruisin' towards Fort Lauderdale. Billy Ocean kept us sailing smooth 'til sun-up.

Iowa was a blur, but some bros from Full Kit pointed us in the right direction and we managed to get some runs in at the park before jamming on to Wisconsin--home of the world-famous Blatz Brewery tour!

I know what you're thinking--Spring Break is all about Coors Light Party Balls, but man, it's time to think outside the box. The Blatz Brewery is an institution--like a church of affordable beer, and we were ready to kneel at its altar. While Jamie and most of the team went and tore it up at the Four Seasons skatepark in Madison, Mutt, Ratt, Lee Dawg and I got to lay down in an empty fermenting rank, wander through miles of beer-carrying pipeline, and draw a fresh draught straight from the source. Lee Dawg even got the bright idea of bringing an empty 'Dew bottle, which we filled up while the tour guide wasn't looking. Passing that thing around in a stall in the men's bathroom, we couldn't stop high-fiving and cracking up. At one point I thought Blatz was gonna come out Ratt's nose. It was awesome.

The next day, disaster struck! While working on his tan on the shore of Lake Michigan. Smithers fell asleep and got a wicked sunburn on his feet top--side style!

"My shit's fucked up!" he kept saying, while looking down at his scorched dogs. He decided to still come with, but there was no chance he was gonna be able to skate or (even worse) party with any kind of seriousness once we reached Lauderdale. He rubberbanded two cold Capri Suns to the tops of his feet and limped back into the van.

The Smithers situation was a bummer and we all started having our doubts whether we'd ever even make it to Spring Break. Morale was definitely on the wane. I mean, we'd been in the van for a week-and-a-half and the closest we'd really gotten to Spring Break was all those episodes of E's Wild On that Lee Dawg played fur us on his laptop.

The next two days seemed even less like Spring Break. Sure the dudes had some great sessions with the Anonymous crew in Cincinnati and with the boys from G-Spot in Philly, but we hadn't even seen sand since Wisconsin, much less a wet T-shirt contest After some truck-stop pizza somewhere between Philly and New York, things hit rock bottom.

"Are we gonna party hardy or are we gonna just keep driving around for the rest of our lives?" Lopes cried out in desperation.

"I don't know, Lopes. I don't know," Murf said sadly.

We checked into the Motel 8 in silence. Not even Ghostbusters II, which was playing on HBO, could lift my heavy heart.

That night I had a dream--the most lucid, vivid dream I've ever had. I was at Spring Break! I had finally made it! It was like some combination of Havasu. Lauderdale and maybe even Cabo--and it was Heaven; babes and bros partying along the beach with the sweet sounds of Thong Song filling the coconut-scented air. And I was there! And my Zero bros were there!

Mutt and Air Time were circling through the surf on jet skis. The King and Ratt were gliding like angels, high above on parasails, Lee Dawg and Crusher were heating up the dance floor Lopes and Smithers were getting into a little mixed doubles badminton with a couple of babes and Murf and The Rock were happily beer-bonging a couple of cherry-colored wine coolers. A warm wind blew off the beach and I turned to see a grand stage with Jamie walking towards the mic. Dressed in a spotless white suit. Chief had a handsome beef-drinking helmet perched regally on his head, both sides loaded with sweating red cans of Coors Cutter. Though the sun shown brightly, it was like he was glowing! As he grabbed the mic the thick plastic built-in straw fell from his mouth. He swallowed his last sip of Cutter and the crowd turned to him and fell silent.

"Mike?'" his voice sang through the microphone. "Mike, are you out there?"

"I'm here! Over here!" I cried out.

A considerate body-builder put my up on his expansive shoulders.

"Over here, Chief!" I yelled.

"There you are," Jamie said, I'm glad you made it. Mike, I know you're wondering why we never get to Spring Break, no matter how far we drive."

"Yeah, it's just ..." I started.

"Hold on, hold on. Let me finish, please," Jamie interjected. I shut up.

"Let me ask you this, Mike," Jamie asked, "Why do we go to Spring Break? I mean why do we really go?"

I stared back, unsure of what to say.

"C'mon, anybody, why do we go to Spring Break?" he continued.

The crowd stared back solemnly. My bodybuilder shifted from foot to foot.

"To party?" I finally squeaked.

"That's right!" Jamie blasted, pointing at me.

A wave of relief spread over me.

"And what were you doing at the Blatz Brewery and at Buddy Best's warehouse and out skating and all those nights with the beer bong with all your friends?" Jamie asked.

"I was partying!" I said triumphantly, "I was partying hardy!"

"Exactly!" Jamie cried.

At this point he was stomping around the stage with the mic--working up the crowd like an evangelist. In the background, musicians were slinking onto the stage.

"Exactly, Mike!" he said. "Don't you see? Don't you see what's right in front of your face?"

"I think so!" I yelled.

A murmur spread through the crowd.

"Spring Break!" my bodybuilder hollered.

"Don't you see--Spring Break's not a place or a time, Mike!" Chief wailed, "Spring Break is in all of us--wherever there's a wine cooler or a tank top or a Jacuzzi full of folks--the Spring Break spirit lives!"

The crowd exploded. I fell backwards off my bodybuilder, only to be caught by hundreds of eager hands. They lifted me skyward and the next thing I know I was surfing--surfing the crowd! They handed me gently from bro to babe to bro and so forth in a right-handed barrel of Spring Break stoke!

At that point Jamie slid back and Sammy Hagar ran onto the stage, double-necked guitar held (double-fisted) triumphantly over his head. As the crowd screamed he laid into the first notes of I Can't Drive 55.

I looked up from the top of the crowd and saw the guys--the whole Zero team parasailing among the clouds. I gave them the thumbs up. They gave them back and waved. I closed my eyes and went limp as Hagar's guitar gently wailed.

When I opened my eyes I was back in the Motel 8. The door was open and Jamie was standing in it, bags in band.

"Everyone's ready to go," he told me, "So let's go."

I rubbed my eyes, reached over for the beer bong and smiled.