Some guidelines can help parents keep sibling rivalry in check.

Byline: BIRTH TO THREE By Dianne Reinmuth For The Register-Guard

There are several guidelines for preventing the unpleasantness of sibling rivalry:

1. Make limits clear and stand by them. It is important to communicate at the child's level of understanding. Keep explanations short. Tell your child what you expect him to do, rather than what he is doing wrong.

2. As a preventive measure, schedule some undivided attention with each child each day. A child who knows she will have you to herself at a set time is less likely to pester you or her sibling because she fears she'll never get any time with you. Tell her that this time is set aside for the two of you to be together because she is so special to you. Remind her that this time together is planned, and let her look forward to it and learn to count on it. Time alone with you is vital to each child as a way of meeting the child's basic need to stay connected to you as she grows up.

3. Look at each child as unique and focus on the positive, individual characteristics you see to prevent lumping together quite different personalities into "the kids." Parents love each child differently and this is normal. And they must not show partiality for one child over another. The effect of feeling preferred creates as much tension and unhappiness for the favorite as the discouraging sense of rejection experienced by the nonfavored child.

4. Look for things you like about each child rather than focus on his achievements, and let him know what you see. "I get a kick out of the way you love to run!" shows an appreciation of your child that is lacking in "I like to see you win those races." Comment on how well he accomplished his goals: "You put a lot of energy into that!" rather than "That's a good job." The latter is an evaluation of his product, not his effort.

5. Never compare children to each other, as it sabotages the cooperation you are seeking to build in them and breeds the vicious kind of rivalry that may damage their happiness. Instead, encourage each child to find something enjoyable about her sibling(s), and help your children develop ways to share good times together.

6. Get out of your children's fights. You can intervene or ignore as your philosophy dictates, but remember, it's not your battle. It is not a catastrophe if children argue and scream. Avoid getting into the fight yourself or bellowing like the biggest child in the family. If you find yourself yelling over the din, make it something helpful, such as, "We don't hit each other in this family!"

7. When two children fight, verbally or physically, they often end up unhappy. Give them your compassion. If they must be separated, do so with quiet confidence. "I'm sorry you two can't play together without fighting. Now you will have to play separately."

8. Keep in mind that a child can see the difference between words you aim at the "self" ("You bratty kid!") and those that merely describe his actions ("You have taken the toy from your sister again.") Teach your children to cooperate and communicate their needs to each other and you will have a good start toward cementing that lifelong bond of sibling loyalty.

Learning to turn a very natural sibling rivalry into a strong sense of loyalty takes effort, imagination, perseverance and a confident frame of mind. Your children are learning a toughness and resiliency that will stand them in good stead for the rest of their lives. Remember that having a sibling can enrich each child's life in some surprising ways!

Dianne Reinmuth, who has a master's degree in counseling, is a parent educator: First 3 Years and Parents Again at Birth To Three and the mother of four. Birth To Three is a nonprofit organization dedicated to strengthening families through parent support and education. For more information about Birth To Three, call 484-4401.