Soccer mom.So far, my children have survived a nontraditional childhood they will no doubt relish describing to Oprah someday. But as of late, more mainstream elements of life in America have been slowly creeping into our sheltered bliss. It was only last fall that my son Joshua--in his tender 11th year--enrolled in a private Christian school A Christian School is a school run on Christian principles or by a Christian organization. The nature of Christian schools varies enormously from country to country according to the religious, educational, and political culture. large enough to support an actual, scoreboard-and-everything, soccer team. It was sort of like a dream come true. Not his dream. Mine. You see, there was a time when I envied the mothers whose children attended snore snore (snor) 1. rough, noisy breathing during sleep, due to vibration of the uvula and soft palate. 2. to produce such sounds during sleep. snore v. traditional schools that boasted enough extracurricular activities to completely stress out any growing child. Our journey into the twenty-first century had been a little more back road. Home schooling home schooling, the practice of teaching children in the home as an alternative to attending public or private elementary or high school. In most cases, one or both of the children's parents serve as the teachers. , and then a small eight-student, one-room educational facility simply hadn't provided enough warm bodies for organized sports. Sure, we could come up with a team, but then we'd have no one to play against. I nearly swooned with glee when I discovered that my children's new school had a soccer team for upper elementary grades, and I officially became someone I'd previously only fantasized about: an honest-to-goodness, score-card-carrying soccer morn. I started introducing myself to others by saying, "Hi, I'm a soccer morn." I even thought about having a big red "S" imprinted on my T-shirt, but decided that was a bit much. Early in the season, before I'd really learned the ropes, one of the other soccer moms and I sat talking as we watched our offspring run around a carefully marked field in total confusion. She remarked that we could share carpooling duties since I probably wouldn't want to go to all the games. Her husband, overhearing our conversation, interrupted with a gasp. "Honey! Of course she wants to go to all the games!" My friend and I exchanged looks behind his back because, hey, I wasn't born yesterday. While being a soccer morn was indeed a long-envied status thing, it didn't make me all of a sudden, you know, like sports. In fact, the thought of becoming one of those parents who hollered encouragement and unsolicited coaching advice from the sidelines was enough to snake me want to hide in my minivan. That wasn't me. Not in a million years! I wasn't about to make a spectacle of myself. At my first game I did a quick inventory to be sure I had all the requisite soccer mom stuff: fleece fleece, mat of wool formed by shearing a sheep in one continuous operation. The average fleece weighs from 5 to 10 lb (2.3–4.5 kg); in highbred wool sheep such as the American Merinos a ram's fleece may reach 30 lb (13.6 kg). throw, collapsible chair, down jacket (it gets cold in Vermont), knitting (for halftime only), check, check, check. Then, with a contented soccer morn sigh, I settled down to watch the game, which would have been a whole lot easier if it hadn't been for that screaming maniac ma·ni·ac n. An insane person. maniac one affected with mania. yelling, "WAY TO GO, JOSH! GOOD ONE! GO! GO! GO!" every time my son got anywhere near the ball. I was hoarse hoarse adj. 1. Rough or grating in sound, as of a voice. 2. Having or characterized by a husky, grating voice. by halftime. Between bellowing bellowing see bellow. bellowing continuously in bovine rabies, continues until pharyngeal paralysis supervenes. bellowing soundlessly out my--I'm assuming something here--much appreciated support, I found I had plenty of time to contemplate the downside of a schedule jammed with soccer practices and games and grappling with perplexing per·plex tr.v. per·plexed, per·plex·ing, per·plex·es 1. To confuse or trouble with uncertainty or doubt. See Synonyms at puzzle. 2. To make confusedly intricate; complicate. mysteries such as what do soccer families eat? Seems they don't. By the time they get home, dinnertime is long past, and there isn't anyone there to cook anything anyway. It's during these quieter times that you begin to realize that the "s" in soccer morn does not stand for comfortable things such as sanity, serenity, or slow. Of course, if you count driving to practice late, it can very easily stand for speeding. It can also stand for stressed out, which is what everyone was by the end of the season. But, on the other hand, there's really no substitute for the camaraderie, friendship, support, and fun you find on the sidelines On the sidelines An investor who decides not to invest due to market uncertainty. on the sidelines Of or relating to investors who, having assessed the market, have decided to avoid committing their funds. at a soccer game. There's that feeling of pride when you see someone on your team stop to help someone on the opposing team they just flattened flat·ten v. flat·tened, flat·ten·ing, flat·tens v.tr. 1. To make flat or flatter. 2. To knock down; lay low: The boxer was flattened with one punch. in a bone-bending collision. Because, isn't teamwork and fun what it's all about? "You see, Oprah, a soccer mom is a lot of things. But, A when I think back on those treasured days in Vermont when I heard that familiar voice shouting my name from the stands, I can't help but believe that the 's' in soccer mom really stands for saint." Celeste Celeste is a woman's first name. Celeste may also refer to: in Music
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