Soap watch; Susannah does the rounds with Darren.
This week she's playing doctors and nurses for real with GP Darren.
The attraction, we are told, has been there for weeks. Well, I must be blind because I've missed that one.
Who can keep up with Susannah these days? And who's next? Jimmy Corkhill, Sinbad, or maybe Tim?
Mind you I'd rather watch Lady Susannah snogging Tim than what we're subjected to this Friday - Ray and Jessie being caught in bed in the caravan by Ray's mother. There is just far too much wrinkly flesh on show there for anyone's good.
The Murrays have a storyline this week, but it's only a ridiculous 'children-wonder-what's-going-on because-a-parent-is-at the-hospital-and-think he's-dying-and-are-then relieved-he's-not' line. Give them a decent, crazy Brookie storyline soon, please. All characters deserve at least one.
Over in Hollyoaks, Lewis is having a cracker of a storyline. He's just turned from one of the most easy-going blokes around into a woman-beater. Yep, when he finds out Ruth has aborted the baby, he hits her. Not a good move at all. It might be Ruth, but we can't condone this, can we? I'd smash both their heads together, the rotten pair.
And what about Gina and Emily? Supposed to be lovers, they spend most of their life fighting, and they are at it again this week. And yes, I know the blokes among you would probably prefer if they'd do it naked, in mud, but this is a tea-time soap. Only child abuse, gay rape, teenage pregnancies and good, clean lesbian sex allowed.
There's none of the above in EastEnders, but there is something far worse for a child to see - Dan. How much longer, guys? I can't stand this man. This week Phil asks him to move back in with him. Unbelievable.
And another really irritating storyline this week is the Beppe/Sandra romance which is back on again. Do we have to go through this again?
Nina leaves the Square this week. Funny that because I thought she'd left ages ago. She might as well have, the amount she's been in it recently.
Pat and Roy have a heart-to-heart, and Jim starts up a campaign against Mark. Now this, I have to take umbrage at. He was a laugh old Jim, but this is just horrible.
Anyway, enough of the miserable EastEnders and on to Coronation Street. Undoubtedly the soap of the week, indeed so good it's worthy of our lead TV item (see page 21).
It's baby-time, and Sarah-Lou gives birth to Bethany without a hitch. Martin's a bit late, but he turns up at last after Sally drags him from his night of passion with Rebecca.
For Alison Webster, though, it's heartbreak, and she copes the only way she knows, by flipping her lid. Yes, she goes stark raving bonkers; mental, mental, chicken oriental, and kidnaps Sarah's baby. And then dies.
And that's that. She's gone. Thank you Corrie - she was one utter pain in the nether regions, was she not?
Heartless? Moi? Indeed. So, anyway, the net is closing on another relationship this week as Linda and Mark are playing their careless game of going out where their neighbours go, and flaunting their illicit affair.
And what about Gwen?
The net's closing on her, too, as the debts catch up on her.
In Emmerdale, Adam's big-headedness is getting to everyone. Poor Marlon is so taken with Tricia that he pretends his gift (a locket) to her is from Adam - his is much better than the rat of a vet's box of chocolates.
But Adam gets his comeuppance when Mandy and Paddy hijack his starring role on a radio programme.
And when Mandy gets a regular slot as their psychic pet counsellor (it's a soap, okay, go with it), Adam is not amused in the slightest.
Elsewhere, Jack is not amused either, and is set to fight Sarah all the way for the children. And Ashley's not happy either - as the bishop has told him to either marry Bernice or keep their relationship discreet. Are vicars not allowed girlfriends?
Anyway, back off the soapbox, I find that there is yet another soap baby on the way as Yasmin in Family Affairs is in the club, too. And guess what? She doesn't really want it either.
Bring back the soapbox please, I feel another rant coming on ...