Soap watch; Steve's in for one Mel of a shock.
THE E20 is a burnt-out shell and Mel has disappeared - off to film a big budget drama for the BBC no doubt. The police are suspicious but Steve keeps Mel's name out of it.
He also tells Beppe and Billy that Mel is history. He then goes home and tears up her wedding dress. Cue lots of gaspy voiced acting and Steve furiously running his hands through his receding (and obviously dyed) hair.
Oh please ... will someone just stop him right there. This is getting more ridiculous by the second. Mel and Steve had been together about two minutes and their relationship never really rang true.
And will someone please tell me, why, just because she was running a fleapit nightclub, Mel felt the need to wear a suit and carry a briefcase?
Later, Steve admits to Beppe that it is possible the insurance company may not pay out so he goes and sleeps with a floozy again.
Elsewhere, Janine is agog when Terry tells her he is giving Margaret pounds 10,000 towards treatment for her ill brother, Peggy wishes Harry was more like Charlie (ie not a child molester) and Natalie and Barry go for their ultrasound.
HAYLEY/ Harold continues to be menaced in prison and comes close to a nervous breakdown. Meanwhile, Roy breaks his bail conditions and confronts Sheila.
He tells her she's the only one capable of getting Hayley out of Bad Girls.
But no matter how hard he pleads, Sheila is scared and hasn't got the guts to stand up to Alex.
Roy hits rock bottom and can't bring himself to visit Hayley in prison when he's just blown her only chance of freedom. Hayley is frantic, fearing the worst when he doesn't show.
Instead, Roy sits alone at home and sinks into tears of frustration.
Fizz tries to seduce Tyrone by flattery, she wants to know what lurks underneath those sexy work overalls. What a horrible thought.
Talking of visual nightmares, Sally and Martin give into their feelings.
Sally takes the initiative and shows up on Martin's doorstep. It's time to stop kidding themselves and they end up kissing passionately.
MICK has a heart-to-heart with Jimmy. Yes, just the two of them wittering on for the wholeBrookside episode. You know it'll be loads of "I know I've made mistakes in my life" and "I wanted to top meself too" etc.
Mick is so depressed - not surprising living in that Close - that he picks up a shard of glass and goes to cut his wrist. But Jimmy manages to stop him in time.
Mick's pretty much a broken man and decides he needs to make a fresh start somewhere else. So he packs up everything and leaves the Close. Good on him.
LARISSA is loving every minute of having two men fighting for her affections - and she just can't wipe that smug smile off her perky little face.
But things don't go quite according to plan when Tad and Paul gang together and ask her to come to a decision and choose.
Meanwhile, when Joel takes marriage-mad Flick out for a meal and presents her with a small jewellery box, her face lights up.
She can't stop beaming.
Without opening it, she flings her arms around him and says, "Yes".
The only trouble is, it's a pair of earrings.