Single and sexual: the church's neglected dilemma.

The topic of single sexuality is one that can be broached from many different viewpoints--psychological, spiritual, emotional, physical, biological, or relational. Thus, the scope of this topic lends itself to various interpretations and points from which to discuss the dilemma that individuals who are single face about their sexuality. Essentially, this predicament can be summed in two questions: (a) What does it mean to be single and sexual; and (b) what does the church say about it? This article provides the reader with an overview of the state of single sexuality in the world and in the church. It addresses some of the mythology and helpful theology in addressing the two critical questions, in addition to various supports provided by the people who work with this population. We close with a practical model for singles considering courtship or Stage II dating.

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Although it is often supposed that American sexual morals have declined over the years since the 1960's and 1970's America is actually quite conservative in its perspective regarding sexual ethics (cf., Scott, 1998; Widmer, Treas, & Newcomb, 1998). Widmer et al. recently examined sexual attitudes across 24 countries and grouped these countries into one of four of the following groups: sexual conservatives, teen permissives, homosexual permissives and moderate residuals. The United States fell into the grouping of sexual conservatives when compared with its European counterparts. This is not to say that all conservative standards have been maintained. Looking at sexual attitudes regarding pre-marital, teenage, extra-marital, and homosexual sex, these researchers found that across all 24 countries, 61% of respondents stated that pre-marital sex was not wrong at all. Teenage and extra-marital sex were each less accepted-only 7% approved of teenage sex and only 4% approved of extra-marital sex.

In another study also examining sexual ethics and cross-cultural perspectives, Scott (1998) found that in spite of America's sexual conservatism as compared with European countries, there has been a significant decrease in the disapproval ratings of premarital sex since the l960's and 1970's in the U.S. Scott proposed that with the advent of HIV/AIDS in the 1980's, there might have been a change in attitudes regarding the acceptability of pre-marital sex. Upon examination of sexual attitudes and religiosity across six countries, the researcher found that religiosity was a strong counterbalance to sexual permissiveness with respect to disapproval of homosexual practices.

Despite this picture of the U.S. as being sexually conservative, sexual behavior among the unmarried adult and adolescent populations is still a concern. Even though there are many other factors that affect the personal growth and development of unmarried adults and adolescents, their sexuality has been a particular focus of study because of the risks involved in transmitting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), including AIDS. A related concern has been the rise in cohabitation as a way for couples to "try out" a structure similar to marriage. According to Bumpass and Lu (1999), marriages that were preceded by cohabitation rose from 10% for those married between 1965 and 1974 to greater than 50% for those married between 1990 and 1994. Only a sixth of cohabiting relationships lasted at least three years, and only 10% were sustained for five years or more. Yet another concern is the crisis of unplanned pregnancies and the use of abortion as a post-coital contraceptive.

This concern for single adults and their sexuality is currently present in the church because, historically, single persons have been an ignored or neglected population within the evangelical church. If there are programs targeting single adults, there is often very little offered by way of a theology of sexuality for the single person. More often than not, when sexuality is addressed, it is often with simplistic advice like, "Sex is for marriage" or "Don't have sex." There is also a kind of sexual folklore present in many evangelical churches where incomplete and destructive concepts are passed along. Because of this neglect and misinformation, immature (and in some cases sinful) behaviors and attitudes have evolved within both secular and Christian single adult communities.

In Christian communities, unmarried individuals are not immune to engaging in sexual behaviors and attitudes that are contrary to general church teachings on sexuality. The extent to which an individual embraces Christian values appears to be a determinant of sexual behavior. Leak (1993) found that individuals who had chosen religious values for themselves were more discriminating within their conservative framework regarding sexuality when compared with those who had religious values imposed on them. Similarly, Beck, Cole, and Hammond (1991) found that religious affiliation not only predicted attitudes regarding premarital sex, but it was also related to premarital sexual behavior. Significantly lower probabilities of engaging in sexual behavior were noted for both males and females whose religious heritage was based on an "Institutionalized Sect" (e.g., Pentecostals) contrary to denominations that were considered to be more fundamental. Thus, to say that all religious individuals are sexually conservative i s a simplification.

What has led to this void around theological sexual ethics for singles? Perhaps this question can be extended beyond the unmarried to other populations within the church. How is it that the church is scrambling to articulate a positive theological sexual ethic in general? Gardner (2002) elucidates that since Augustine's time, the history of sexuality within the church has left much guilt and confusion with little emphasis on a joyful intimacy. Although there has always been a core Christian sexual ethic that affirms that marriage between a husband and wife is God's created context for full sexual intimacy, there have also been negative attitudes toward sexual expression even among married persons. These kinds of negative expressions from within the church can make intimacy among sexual beings increasingly difficult.

The church is struggling with whether and how it can contribute in meaningful ways to discussions of sexual behavior and ethics by allowing sexual mythology and poor theology to shape sexual values and attitudes. The church has not taken a proactive stance in creating a practical Biblical theology of human sexuality and has, in fact, allowed secular ideology to permeate thinking on single adult sexuality. In some respects, the church's and the world's mindsets and values do not look that much different from each other, especially if measured by behavior. Christian single adults have adopted most of the immature, distorted sexual values that are reflected in television programs, such as Seinfeld, Friends, and the offerings of MTV, as examples. The research seems to support this blurring of Christian distinctiveness. For example, Jensen, Newell, and Holman (1990) surveyed single males and females between the ages of 17 and 25, and found that sexual behavior was predicted by the individual's level of sexual perm issiveness, not by church attendance. Frequencies of sexual intercourse were highest among individuals who attended church every week, yet also expressed sexually permissive attitudes. Although church attendance is a practical predictor, its influence depends on an individual's acceptance of the premarital sex norm. The researchers aver that for religion to be an effective influence on the frequency of sexual behavior, the individual needs to have accepted the social norms related to that religion.

Thus, how can the church help unmarried adults to guide them toward sexual attitudes and behaviors that are congruent with God's intended purpose for sexual expression? The church needs to develop a practical theology for single adults that can guide behaviors and attitudes. A deeper understanding of God's sexual economy has the best possibility for developing concepts and models that guide single adults towards sexual wholeness.

DESTRUCTIVE SEXUAL MYTHOLOGY

Several myths have emerged or reemerged around the purpose and nature of sexual expression. These myths can be especially destructive in Christian communities that have failed to articulate an alternative theology of sexual ethics.

Sex is simply recreational. One myth that has been tied to efforts to distance sexual intercourse from procreation and the attendant responsibilities of family life has been that sex is simply recreational. The idea here is that single adults simply "go for it" when given an opportunity to enjoy sexual self-gratification. Emotional and relational immaturity combined with the inability to postpone immediate pleasure for long-term gains have also contributed to the problem of the single adult's adoption of this particular sexual myth.

Dating is the time to find out if you are sexually compatible as a couple. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon for young couples to receive the counsel from well-meaning friends and non-Christian professionals that they should consider pre-marital sex or live together so that they can determine if they are sexually compatible with one another. This myth goes beyond sex as recreation and sees sexual satisfaction as a mystical chemistry that a couple does or does not have, rather than a defining feature of self-actualization, differentiation, and good intimacy skills.

Most needs can be met through sexual behavior. Every person has a legitimate need to be hugged and held, to be comforted, to be affirmed as attractive and special, and to be deeply valued and connected. These are not sexual needs and unmarried adults can find godly ways to meet these needs through appropriate non-sexual means. But many people act on the assumption that emotional needs can be met best through sexual intimacy, and they make emotional healing that much more difficult because they participate in the most intimate act without the context God designed for sexual expression.

Sexual behavior means intimacy with another. A related myth is the notion that because a person has sexual intercourse with someone they are automatically experiencing genuine intimacy. Although we affirm that sex is an intimate act, the fact that two people engage in intercourse may create the illusion of intimacy. Single adults often hope that sexual connecting will create instant intimacy. They falsely believe that sex will cement commitment and fill a space of longing in their souls. Contrary to images and messages from Hollywood, instant chemistry and bodies engaging in fondling and intercourse do not create long-term romance or deeply intimate relationships. According to Steinberg's triangular theory of love (1986), the element of passion alone results in infatuated love, which is characterized only by bodily sensations. Long-term, intimate relationships require a combination of passion, intimacy, and commitment, all of which comprise what Sternberg calls "consummate love." Sexual touching and connectin g flows out of intimacy-not vice versa.

If you wait until marriage, you will automatically have a great sex life. A third interesting myth has to do with expectations for sex once a person marries. Some assume that sex will automatically be terrific if they wait to have sex until marriage. Although it is true that the single adult who has fewer sexual experiences will have less to forget and heal, many single adults are pressured by unrealistic expectations for the honeymoon. True love waits and builds an easier foundation, but couples still have to allow God and maturing experiences to facilitate their growth into great lovers. It is not automatic.

These myths are examples of several underlying misconceptions, including the misconception that sexual experience prior to marriage is necessary for one's own psychological, emotional, and relational development. This point of view is even reported in research. For example, Donnelly, Burgess, Anderson, Davis, and Dillard (2001) proposed that of the three groups of involuntary celibates, the 'Virgins" (i.e., individuals who had never had sexual intercourse) and "singles" (i.e., individuals who have had sexual experiences in the past, but are currently unable to establish sexual relationships) may have missed "important transitions" that may have affected other developmental trajectories. These authors aver, "...persons reaching adulthood without dating may have missed an important opportunity for sexual experience." If this were the case, then we would expect to find that the sexually inexperienced are worse off psychologically, emotionally, and developmentally than those who have prior sexual experience, but that is not the case. What the research indicates is that health-compromising behaviors are often related. For example, Santelli, Brener, and Lowry (2001) sampled over 7000 unmarried males and females and found that 62% of males and 57% of females were considered sexually experienced. Sexual intercourse and substance use in the past, as well as substance use prior to intercourse, were strongly associated with the likelihood of multiple sexual partners. As an individual's number of sexual partners increases, so does the risk of contracting a STD (Laumann & Michael, 2001). Based on the National Health and Social Life Survey, 16% of male and 18% of female participants reported that they had had a STD at some point in their lives. However, it is not only the physical health of an individual that is compromised. Relationally and intra-personally, people are affected by premarital sex. One such consequence is the role of deception in single relationships. Desiderato and Crawford (1995) found among college students that participants who were sexually active with multiple partners were significantly less likely to disclose to their current partner that they had multiple sexual partners in the past, and they were also less likely to disclose that they did not use condoms in the past. Another significant consequence is the real possibility of an unplanned pregnancy and the profound consequences for both parents and child.

In other studies, sexual intercourse among singles has been associated with alcohol and drug use. The Youth Risk Behavior Survey (YRSB; 1999) reported that 19% of females and 24% of male adolescents used drugs or alcohol prior to sexual intercourse. This percentage was higher in Desiderato and Crawford's (1995) study of sexually active and unmarried college students, for whom alcohol usage preceded sexual intercourse for 66% of males and 53% of females.

How has the evangelical church responded to countering these myths and developing a practical theology for single sexuality? The "sexual revolution" of the 1960's and 1970's as well as the HIV/AIDS scare of 1980's may have constrained the emergence of more diverse and thorough explanations or directions for a practical theology of single sexuality. In the past decade much more has transpired.

EVANGELICAL APPROACHES TO SINGLE SEXUALITY: A BRIEF HISTORY

For many years the church relied on key spokespersons and their resources, such as Walter Trobisch and his books I Loved a Girl (1963) and I Married You (1971). These resources elucidated the extreme experiences of human sexuality in his metaphor of sexuality being a beautiful tiger that can be dangerously repressed or wonderfully tamed. Singles also grabbed on to his triangle model (1971) with its emphasis on loving commitment. Although these are potentially helpful resources and images, they are clearly insufficient for providing for the needs of singles longing for a meaningful theology of human sexuality and sexual expression, particularly in light of the much longer time span between physical maturation and marriage.

In the mid-1960s, liberal theologian Harvey Cox (1965) gave a convicting observation of the inadequacy of what the church was or was not doing. His observations still apply today. He pointed out the hypocrisy of the "promiscuous virgin" who did everything but engage in sexual intercourse. He decried the oversimplifications present in the church and the impact of these on sexual ethics: "And churchmen, by allowing the Gospel to deteriorate into folklore and fiat, have contributed to this fatal oversimplification. I do not believe that an evangelical ethic of premarital sex can be chopped clown to a flat answer to this weighted question with out impoverishing and distorting it." (p. 186)

In fairness there were a few who were trying not to be simplistic but still saying there was a "flat answer" to premarital sex. Much of this was with teens and younger adults. For example, Richards came out with his, How Far Can I Go? in 1969, and Josh McDowell (1980) and Tim Stafford (1992) worked within the youth culture over the years to advocate sexual purity in their honest and upfront manner. Charlie Shedd (1968) bravely delved into sexuality with The Stork Is Dead and his chapter that created such a furor, "Masturbation: Gift of God."

Single sexuality was explicated within Catholicism through the writings of Goergen (1974) in The Sexual Celibate and Dubay (1987) in The Charisma of Virginity and the Celibate Life. Other developments that led to a more practical and Biblical approach were within the "divorced and single again" community. Smith (1979) wrote of the sexual struggles of the single again Christian and the underlying need for intimacy. Jones (1990) followed with his excellent work Sex & Love When You're Single Again.

Two pioneers who came over from other disciplines to tackle sexuality were Smedes (1976, revised in 1994) in Sex for Christians and Foster (1985) in Money, Sex & Power, both of whom squarely addressed the topic of single sexuality rather than avoided it. Foster noted that "One of the great challenges for the Christian faith today is to integrate sexuality and spirituality within the context of the single life" (p. 114). Both sought to apply God's truth to critical issues like masturbation and fantasy. They sought a deeper and more substantive morality in contrast to legalism.

In 1982, the Journal of Psychology and Christianity devoted an entire issue to sexuality and the final volume was quite progressive for that day. In an editorial written that same year, Bird (1982, p. 3) discussed the inclusion of an article on single sexuality and said it was "One of the best received lectures at the 1982 Atlanta CAPS Convention was Douglas Rosenau's Sexuality and the Single Person. This oft-neglected theme finds inclusion here...." Unfortunately, the theme was further neglected for the next decade when the evangelical church had opportunities, such as that illuminated by an article in Time magazine. The feature story on April 9, 1984 was "Sex in the 80's: The Revolution is over" (Leo, 1984). They detailed a shift within single sexuality to the new watchwords of romance, fidelity, and commitment. The confused and searching single adult was seeking answers, but the evangelical church only began revisiting this area in the 1990s.

To summarize the foregoing, it appears as though Christianity has tried to deal with single sexuality three differing ways. These broad approaches are: (a) disciplining any sexual behaviors so that the most erotic sexuality was reserved for marriage (e.g., Abraham, 1985; DeMoss, 1995; Harris, 1997, 2000; Stone & Palmer, 1990; Talley & Reed, 1982); (b) pursuing a general theology of intimacy and purity without dealing with practical situations and behaviors (e.g., Dawn, 1993; Elliot, 1984; Goergen, 1974; Purnell, 1995); and (c) espousing a broader treatment of single sexuality that included discussions of masturbation and sexual behaviors in dating relationships (e.g., Bonnacci, 1996; Huggett, 1985; Jones, 1990; Smedes, 1994; Stedman, 1993/2000).

TOWARD A PRACTICAL THEOLOGY OF SINGLE SEXUALITY

Christian education through written resources and seminars can assist the single adult combat pervasive and potentially destructive myths and grow in sexual maturity, but a deeper solution involves creating dialogue that is based on God's truth. By using Scripture, Christians have the best possibility of guiding single sexuality into a greater wholeness. The church can help them create a practical theology that permeates their attitudes and heart with amazing spill over into their behaviors. When given a forum for discussing sexual issues, singles so often emerge with profound answers; however, this opportunity is often absent from most churches.

Challenges exist in developing a theology because many of the Biblical examples are of God's ideal of marriage, so application to single sexuality must be inferred. Also, many sexual behaviors are not specifically mentioned so that Christians need to apply other Scriptural principles to help govern these behaviors. It is not the purview of this article to develop a thorough theology of single sexuality; however, the following are a few Biblical principles that single adults and Christian teachers must wrestle with to create a sexual theology that is practical and meaningful for single adults.

God's Marvelous Creation of Sexual Intimacy

Why did God create sexuality? The infinite Almighty knew humans would need metaphors and pictures to begin to understand who He was. Sexuality is His grand metaphor for intimacy and loving connection. God created two parts of sexuality to reveal Himself and His great desire for intimate love relationships: gender (intentional differences between males and females) and romantic intimacy (the coming together of male and female in sexual expressiveness). It is within and through our human sexuality that God made humans with deep desires for completion, affection, connecting, nurturing, protection, affirmation of the masculine and the feminine, and hormonal erotic attraction. These desires are good and normal, and can be directed toward expression in relationships that God sanctions or toward expression in relationships that are proscribed by the creator of our sexuality.

Covenant Companionship and Soul Virginity

The Christian sexual ethic asserts that all of erotic, romantic sexuality comes under the umbrella of the covenant companionship of marriage, with intercourse and genital lovemaking reserved for this relationship alone (Jones, 1998). God's plan is for each person to have his or her own Adam or Eve. This requires many positive choices and a deep commitment to be faithful to one other person.

In courting relationships, partners must keep in mind that they may not be dating their Adam or Eve. Within this context, virginity is not simply avoiding intercourse and a physical condition of the body. Regardless of the past, virginity and chastity are an attitude and monogamous position of the soul that apply to both single and married sexuality. So often singles think if they have slipped up sexually and are no longer physical virgins, they have lost all their values. God's values and chastity are a matter of the soul; monogamy and fidelity are lifetime virtues.

Gender Completion and Righteous Flirtation

Scripture says that "... God created mankind in his own image, ... male and female he created them" (Genesis 1:27). Each person will reflect God's total image and have a combination of what we call male and female characteristics: nurturing, aggression, leadership, gentleness, and receptivity, among others. Comisky (1989) elucidates this relationship between gender and God's image:

The degree to which one has made peace with his maleness or her femaleness greatly affects personal wholeness. In particular, gender security is crucial for heterosexual relating. With a secure sense of one's maleness or femaleness, one naturally yearns for the other, the complement that can draw out and complete one's true self. Gender wholeness also reveals God's image, granting one the capacity to reflect Himself. (p. 112)

It is also true that each man and woman has a unique gender wiring that can be accepted and enjoyed. This has an erotic component to it but it also transcends this into a familial respect and interaction: "Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (I Tim. 5:1b, 2).

Singles should revel in their masculinity or femininity. There is a marvelous and complex world of gender interaction to enjoy, with righteous flirting and deep affirmation. People need to learn the skills of noticing and enjoying the opposite sex without zooming in on erotic interaction. Families and single's groups provide excellent opportunities to enjoy the opposite sex without a special person in one's life. Society over-emphasizes erotic sexuality and often neglects the whole dimension of gender sexuality. Gender enjoyment can help meet single intimacy needs, and it is a foundation for successful courtship and marriage.

Law and Grace: The Sexual Disciplines of Romantic Dating

If God designed erotic, romantic sexuality to be fulfilled in marriage, should dating relationships ever be sexual? They can be. For example, courtship is the basic training for marriage. The dilemma is that a sexually mature courtship has to balance law and grace. Law (Rom. 3:20, 7:7) points out counterproductive behavior and attitudes. People have strong hormonal drives and intimacy urges, and couples must guard and value what is reserved for marriage. At a popular level, one proposed physical boundary between courtship and marriage is the bathing suit line or somewhat modest two-piece. Parts of the body--for example, genitals and breasts that can be aroused to the point of orgasm--that are covered by a bathing suite or bikini are reserved for marriage. This would proscribe petting in these regions with or without clothes. Yet by stating this, we are reminded that the ultimate goal of single sexuality is to construct a mature, loving attitude (Col. 3:12, I Tim. 4:12), which governs sexual behavior out of he art motivation, not law. Christian education does not exist to make sure singles "do the right thing" as though one were always making reference to a law or even a rule of thumb. "How far can I go?" is the wrong question and attitude. A more mature question is "How can I help my partner and companion produce a loving sexual wholeness?"

An Inside Out Theology to Create Attitudes for Guiding Behaviors and Fantasies

It is easier and may feel safer for many Christians to legalistically outlaw behaviors. Unfortunately, this attempt has a track record of failing miserably. Legalism assumes that the best approach to sexual ethics is to start on the outside of the circle with a list of "Don'ts," and that this list will produce right attitudes. In our experience, God's work of sanctification begins on the inside and works its way out, as a person develops character and attitudes that reflect Godly principles that guide their behavior. So often Scripture does not give specific direction on certain behaviors. When people ask about masturbation they do not need a lecture or a reference to the so-called sin of Onan. A more Christ-like reply might be, "How is masturbation affecting you and your relationships? What are the deeper God and heart issues? Are you lusting, lazy, avoiding intimacy, feeding an addiction?" Christians need to go deeper into God's character and the heart of issues, and then work inside out.

Single people need a practical theology of masturbation that will carry on into their married days because masturbation, like so many behaviors, has the potential to constrain intimacy in interpersonal relationships. As Sanford (1994) stated some years ago, "Because the epitome of the moral vision is the economy of God's salvation played out in the context of relationships, a Christian ethic must focus on the ways in which behaviors impact relationships." Sanford avers that contrary to the beliefs of some Christians, masturbation does not violate God's intended purpose for sex because, as a sexual practice, it may facilitate healthy relationship development (e.g., masturbation may be an alternative to unhealthy sexual relationships, and it may be helpful in maintaining chastity). Davidson and Moore (1994) summarize the dilemma of masturbation from a secular point of view:

Since a substantial number of college women refrain from engaging in masturbation, yet choose to have unprotected sexual intercourse and multiple sex partners, and others engage in masturbation but report experiencing guilt feelings regarding self-stimulation, it is of crucial importance that the negative connotations of masturbation and its attendant impact on sexual satisfaction be addressed by sexuality educators, clinicians, and researchers. (p. 178)

Masturbation, then, is really a much more symbolic sexual issue that dovetails with the meaning of orgasms within God's sexual economy: isolation versus intimacy in relationship, sexual release, handling hormones and desire versus issues of fantasy and lust. Smedes (1994, p. 210) so wisely stated, "It is foolish to identify every erotic with lust.... When the sense of excitement conceives a plan to use a person, when attraction turns into a scheme, we have crossed beyond erotic excitement into spiritual adultery."

Sexual Sins and Forgiveness

Christians often think that sexual sins are weighted more and can haunt a person for a lifetime. This is often promoted by reference to I Corinthians 6:18, where Paul wrote, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." God created the body, with the brain, the central nervous system, and genitals, to be the home of the Holy Spirit. And our sexuality is always three dimensional, including our body, soul, and spirit. Embezzlement or treating someone rudely are sins outside the body; however, sexual sins are personal violation of God's home with personal consequences. This does not mean they are the worst sins or that God cannot forgive a person of numerous sexual sins. Our loving Heavenly Father forgives and redeems sexual sins and mistakes just like other transgressions. This is an important principle for the church to communicate to singles in light of the false guilt that abounds in some Christian communities. God deligh ts in forgiving and redeeming all sexual sins and wounds.

MODELS FOR GOVERNING EROTIC SEXUALITY IN DATING

Courtship or Stage II Dating

Elizabeth Elliott and many others have advanced the concept of distinguishing courtship from dating. Joshua Harris' most recent book, Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship (2000) follows his predecessor. In an interview for Christianity Today (CT), it is interesting that Harris stated about his first book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (1997), that he "... chose not to use the word courtship in that book because he saw people getting caught up in figuring out the rules of courtship" ("The Man who Ignited," 2001, p. 43).

It is valuable to distinguish casual dating from a relationship that is heading toward marriage. We prefer to call these Stage I and Stage II dating to avoid confusing "courtship" regulations and philosophies. Stage II dating is an exclusive relationship with engagement and marriage as its ultimate goal. Romantic sexuality is reserved for this relationship and should grow slowly, always keeping in mind that until both partners say, "I do," they may still not have found their Adam or Eve.

The Triangle Model

Single adults can utilize models that help conceptualize how to discipline sexuality within a dating relationship. One of the original models in evangelical Christianity was proposed by Walter Trobisch in I Married You (1971). This triangle model had love and commitment on one side of the triangle, and sexual behaviors and intimacy on the other side. The goal in this model was to stay equilateral as you progress up to the apex of the triangle (the apex would symbolize marriage). Foster (1985) picked up on the triangle and encouraged the engagement period to be six months or less.

Stedman (1993/2000) pointed out the inadequacies of the triangle model as he demonstrated ways in which the geometry does not add up. For example, individuals within a relationship often place different weights of intimacy and erotic arousal on various behaviors. Also, if actual behaviors are placed on the sex side of the triangle, it is difficult to arrange kiss, caress, and so on, because behaviors do not go to the heart of the matter. Stedman preferred to place the value of physical behavior and commitment on either long side of the triangle while maintaining marriage at the apex. This valuing might change somewhat during various stages of a growing, maturing relationship and he anticipated that right before marriage, couples may go back to light kissing as they focus on other aspects of the relationship.

A Linear Intimacy with Variations on Behavior

In building on and modifying the triangle model, the first author thinks a more accurate depiction is to note how loving sexual intimacy continues to grow in a linear fashion, but that the intensity of sexual behaviors will vary now and then (often near the wedding as Stedman suggested). The variations in intensity reflect perspective taking in a relationship where other areas of intimacy are explored throughout the development and maturing of a relationship. This is essentially a linear model of intimacy with noted variations on behavior. In this model, several developmental boundaries require special consideration.

Developmental Boundaries: Spiritual, Emotional, Social, and Sexual Intimacy

Our culture's emphasis on instant gratification and the ability to achieve it in the case of high tech access to information can make delayed gratification a difficult concept to apply in one's life. In application to sexuality and intimacy, the Song of Solomon has interesting advice when it encourages, "Don't arouse or awaken love before it so desires" (Song of Solomon 2:7; see also Talley & Reed, 1982). Unfortunately, the sexual self-actualization of the 1970's, the "me-ism" of the 80's, and the instant access to information via technology in the present all contribute in ways that make it difficult for single (and married) adults with respect to expectations about their sexuality and sexual expression.

Couples can utilize the linear model with variations to think through, slow down, and keep behaviors positively contributing to and within the appropriate stage of commitment within their developing courtship. Some of the behaviors in which they might engage, like taking a trip together, might fall into more than one category (e.g., emotional, social, and sexual) at the same time. Proceeding more slowly in the area of emotional (e.g., saying "I love you") or social bonding (e.g., going on trips) can help maintain boundaries in sexual intimacy.

Each stage of courtship (exclusive through engaged) needs a stop sign of a behavior or two that signal to each person in the relationship that they are not behaviors to engage in until the next stage of the relationship. Most people tend to always want to proceed right to a stop sign and then take a "rolling stop." Couples must remember that behaviors (e.g., kissing and praying) are relative to the individual and couple as to the depth of intimacy they symbolize for them. Courtship is for adults because it really does depend on whether certain behaviors are productive or counterproductive for that relationship at that time.

Although rigid legalism does not work, there is no substitute for being intentional when it comes to expectations and behaviors related to intimacy and sexual expression. Harris (2000) emphasized the importance of convictions as well as very specific guidelines for particular behaviors. In the heat of the moment, without willfully acknowledging predetermined choices, the stop signs can be run through.

If we consider the four categories of Stage II dating, that is, spiritual, emotional, social, and sexual, we might consider as possible developmental behaviors the following: (a) spiritual-attending church, praying, serving others, pursuing spiritual disciplines, and devotional activity; (b) emotional-enjoying sustained eye contact, sharing wounds, touching face, expressing the message "I love you," and engaging in "soul nudity" or deeply intimate self disclosure and sharing; (c) social-attending reunions, meeting parents, taking trips, planning the marriage, and consolidating finances; and (d) sexual-handholding, deep kissing, caressing, couch cuddling, and exchanging love letters. Again, these are simply markers where the specifics would need to 'be worked out for each single adult for him- or herself and then in the context of a Stage II dating relationship.

CONCLUDING COMMENTS

As the age of marriage moves towards thirty and divorce stays at fifty percent, the population of single adults will increase. The church continues to have a wonderful opportunity to become a prophetic voice, an agent of sexual healing and growth in the lives of this large part of the church. Rick Stedman (1993/2000) so aptly summarized his thoughts on ministering to single adults:

Singles ministry is a strange beast. For most church workers, it is looked down upon and seen as an unimportant portion of God's kingdom. But for those of us in singles ministry, it is life and ministry at its very best. Singles are wonderful people whose lives may nor have turned our as they had once planned. Given just a bit of love and encouragement, they blossom into some of the finest Christians and best church workers I have ever known. (p. 14)

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AUTHORS

ROSENAU, DOUGLAS E. Address: 750 Hammond Drive, Bldg. 7, Suite 375, Atlanta, GA 30328. Title: Adjunct professor at Reformed Theological Seminary and Psychological Studies Institute; Institute for Sexual Wholeness; private counseling practice. Degree: EdD, Northern Illinois University. Specializations: Marital and sex therapy, single sexuality, sex and aging, and the disciplines of passionate intimacy.

TAN, ERIKA S. N. Address: Regent University, CRB 215. 1000 Regent University Drive. Virginia Beach, VA, 23464. Title: Doctoral student in clinical psychology at Regent University. Degree: MA, Clinical Psychology. Specializations: Sexuality, adolescents and their families.

Correspondence concerning this article may be sent to Dougla Rosenau, 750 Hammond Dr., Bldg. 7, Suite 375, Atlanta, GA 30328.