Sign language.HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY? Would you believe a vast web of cosmic connections, involving our entire solar system, affected your every minute? From the woody you woke up with this morning, to that mid-afternoon wheelbite body toss and the sketchy-ass burrito you decided, then regretted, to eat--all parts of the day were influenced by your galactic gang-sign: the zodiac. You know the deal, it's the ancient pseudoscience pseu·do·sci·ence n. A theory, methodology, or practice that is considered to be without scientific foundation. pseu that holds a person's character and destiny can be understood by how the planets were aligned when they were born. Your birthday falls on one of 12 signs. Your sign will influence you the rest of your life, can predict the future, and will give you a point of reference to judge and discriminate against those with other, shittier signs. Some 9th grade math division gives us the number 400 million--that's the number of people on Earth who share your zodiac sign and, presumably pre·sum·a·ble adj. That can be presumed or taken for granted; reasonable as a supposition: presumable causes of the disaster. , are on board the exact same suspect space journey that you are on. That's right: you, Bangkok Brian and Calcutta Chris were all dealt the same hand and are synchronized star-children. Perfectly logical. This fishy business isn't just some vaguely worded paragraphs in the morning paper, either. Astrology's broad predictions (which apply to any primate who happens to read them) are considered hard science to many. There are governments and major corporations around the world that consult astrologers. Nancy Reagan used one to arrange Ronnie's daily White House schedule. Yikes yikes interj. Used to express mild fear or surprise. [Origin unknown.] . Since the science of the zodiacs is as murky as Loch Ness and is basically an astrological free-for-all, we figured we'd read the stars and take our own stab at this sign language stuff ... Jon Allie, low to high frontside flip disaster FIRST OFF, DON'T CALL IT ASTRONOMY. That one is the real deal, a certified science involving galaxies, black holes and a failing grade in a class you'd think would be fun but is actually a math monster. We're talking about astrology here and it's based on star constellations and superstitions. Before DVDs and iPod iDiocy IDIOCY, med. jur. That condition of mind, in which the reflective, or all or a part of the affective powers, are either entirely wanting, or are manifested to the least possible extent. 2. Idiocy generally depends upon organic defects. , our furry, scurrying scur·ry intr.v. scur·ried, scur·ry·ing, scur·ries 1. To go with light running steps; scamper. 2. To flurry or swirl about. n. pl. scur·ries 1. The act of scurrying. ancestors (such as Lance Mountain) looked into the night sky for entertainment. They played connect-the-dots with stars and came up with constellations that involved mythical figures and stories. Stories became legends and, ta-da, people make important financial and emotional decisions based on them eons later. Does the cosmic tug and pull of these far-off fireballs (and our more neighborly neigh·bor·ly adj. Having or exhibiting the qualities of a friendly neighbor. neigh  bor·li·ness n.Adj. 1. planets) help shape our lives from birth? Only the zodiac knows. Oh yeah, we threw a sample of pro's signs in there just to show how uncannily accurate our star readings are. AQUARIUS JAN.21-FEB.19 THE WATER BEARER: You're fluid, you go with the flow, and, yes, like Sambora and Co. you're Slippery When Wet: You're a pathological hand-washer and a frequent bed wetter. You support the idea of having a rain board but are too slugified to actually set one up. When you get tossed something, you tend to not catch it. Your friends have noticed this for years and they get a little bummed each time. (Rick McCrank 1.23.76, Keith Hufnagel 1.21.74, Ryan Johnson 1.30.79) PISCES Pisces (pī`sēz) [Lat.,=the fishes], constellation lying directly S of Andromeda and on the ecliptic (the sun's apparent path through the heavens) between Aries and Aquarius; it is one of the constellations of the zodiac. FEB.20-MARCH.20 THE TWO FISHES: You make life a struggle. You go against the grain and swim upstream. Your favorite late-90s pop/R&B singer was Johnny Gil. When you laugh sometimes you start clapping; it's totally unnecessary, almost infantile. You need to "scale" back your emotions and stop "fishing" for trouble or else you'll "flounder flounder: see flatfish. flounder Any of about 300 species of flatfishes (order Pleuronectiformes). When born, the flounder is bilaterally symmetrical, with an eye on each side, and it swims near the sea's surface. " in this big "fishbowl" that we ... that's plenty. (Darrell Stanton 3.3.86, Rick Sanders 3.18.43) ARIES Aries (âr`ēz) [Lat.,=the ram], constellation lying on the ecliptic (the sun's apparent path through the heavens) between Taurus and Pisces; it is one of the constellations of the zodiac. It contains the bright star Hamal (Alpha Arietis). MARCH.21-APRIL.20 THE RAM: Stubborn, obstinate ob·sti·nate adj. 1. Stubbornly adhering to an attitude, opinion, or course of action. 2. Difficult to alleviate or cure. , unmoving--those are closely-related words called synonyms. They also describe you, Aries. You can't hang with your cloven-hooved half-brothers, the bull and buffalo, so you push around wimpy-legged goats and lambs. You once got busted with TLC's CrazySexyCool in your car. (Danny Way 4.15.74, Sandro Dias 4.18.75, Jeff Lenoce 4.19.81) TAURUS APRIL April: see month. .21-MAY.21 THE BULL. You're an infamous board-breaker. You don't leave until you land it. And that's rad when you're Koston or Creager, but your 50-tries-deep frontside flip is a real fun killer, dude. You catch feelings whenever geese fly by and nauseatingly quote Old School. (Jason Lee 4.25.70, Alex Chalmers 5.9.75, Tony Hawk 5.12.68, Simon Woodstock 5.14.70) GEMINI MAY.22-JUNE.22 THE TWINS: You are aware that there's a general, worldwide consensus that identical twins are straight bizarro This article is about the fictional character. For other uses, see bizarro (disambiguation). Bizarro is a fictional character, a doppelgänger of DC Comics’ Superman. , right? Cool. You see the fallacy in making fun of vert skating when, in fact, most talkers of shit have roll-in night terrors. A life-altering bad haircut is in your immediate future. (Geoff Rowley 6.6.78, Kerry Getz 6.10.75, Brian Anderson 6.12.76, Pat Duffy 6.13.73) CANCER JUNE.23-JULY.23 THE CRAB: Forget that one malignant cell-division disease you share a name with, you're top shelf, buddy! Sure, the pincers pin·cers also pinch·ers pl.n. (used with a sing. or pl. verb) 1. A grasping tool having a pair of jaws and handles pivoted together to work in opposition. 2. are kind of a joke and you shuffle sideways through life like a forever stage-exiting clown, but things are looking up otherwise. You also miss the Donger but yet opposite-of-miss John "The Man" Reeves. (Sal Barbier 7.12.69, Vanessa Torres 7.17.86) LEO JULY. 24-AUG.23 THE LION: Hey there, superstar! When you enter a room you're usually greeted with "Leo, you son of gun! We've been waiting for you!" You're known for being dashing, determined and developmentally disabled. You're basically a walking, head-to-toe human heart attack, like the big, bed sheet-wearing dude from PM Dawn. (Ed Templeton 7.28. 72, Caswell Berry 8.13.83) VIRGO AUG. 24- SEP 1. SEP - Someone Else's Problem. 2. (tool) SEP - A SASD tool from IDE. . 23 THE VIRGIN: Whenever a bro offers a fist pound or hump you panic and always pick the wrong one. You've even shook a clenched clench tr.v. clenched, clench·ing, clench·es 1. To close tightly: clench one's teeth; clenched my fists in anger. 2. fist as if it were a handshake once or twice. You've only landed one flip-in trick in your life and you always flip-out when you see wasps. (Colin McKay 8.29.75, Heath Kirchart 9.8.77) LIBRA SEP. 24-OCT. 23 THE BALANCE: Ouch, born under a bad sign. Tough luck on that one. Maybe there's something to that whole reincarnation bit and you'll get another shot. You're adored by children and loathed by cab-drivers. (Omar Hassan 9.27.73, Christian Hosoi 10.5.67) SCORPIO OCT OCT ornithine carbamoyltransferase; oxytocin challenge test. OCT ornithine carbamoyl transferase, a liver specific enzyme. OCT Oxytocin stress test, see there .24-NOV.22 THE SCORPION: Tedious, boring, bland ... but enough about this article, let's talk about you, Scorpio. Your near-homicidal passive-aggressiveness is a treat to behold. It doesn't have the desired effect you seek at all. People actually get a kick out of it. You think stomach-staple surgery should be federally subsidized. (Arto Saari 11.9.81, Kareem Campbell 11.14.73) SAGITTARIUS NOV judgment notwithstanding the verdict (N.O.V.) n. reversal of a jury's verdict by the trial judge when the judge believes there was no factual basis for the verdict or it was contrary to law. The judge will then enter a different verdict as "a matter of law. .23-DEC.21 THE CENTAUR centaur (sĕn`tôr), in Greek mythology, creature, half man and half horse. The centaurs were fathered by Ixion or by Centaurus, who was Ixion's son. ARCHER: What's up, weirdo? It's not a big deal or anything but a couple of people mentioned how you kind of looked like a werewolf who got stuck halfway through its transformation. You emanate energy--it practically jumps off you on to others, as does your head lice. (Chet Childress 11.29. 74, Colt Cannon 12.12.81) CAPRICORN DEC.22--JAN.20 THE SEA-GOAT: You call the cops on car-spinning sideshows but, ironically, enjoy eating donuts. You will never marry a woman unless you get rid of that one hat. You have the mechanics of the nollie down pat but have never taken one higher than six inches off the ground. (Jim Greco 12.25.77, Ryan Sheckler 12.30.89) |
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