Sibling rivalry: How to turn feuding into friendship. (USA).

Twelve-year-old Evan Staley enjoys the outdoors. His brother Chase, 15, likes philosophy. Evan buys plants, and Chase collects CDs. Chase is always on the go; Evan is calmer and slower.

"He eats so slowly. I'll be done and have to wait 20 minutes for him to finish," says Chase. "Especially when he's eating, like, at a fast-food place."

"He'll yell at me because he wants to do other things," Evan chimes in.

But these differences are small potatoes. Evan and Chase, who live in Naperville, Illinois, get along very well. And their differences disappear altogether when they step onstage with their band, Minkus Rerun.

While performing, they're totally in sync--with Chase on guitar and vocals, and Evan playing bass.

"It's amazing playing together," says Evan. "At our last performance, everything was balanced ... there was a great connection between us."

"It's awesome playing in the same group," Chase adds. "And I couldn't think of a better bass player than Evan. We communicate really well."

How can you create this kind of harmony (peace) in your home? If you're a squabbling sibling, read on.

Sibling rivalry (competition) is as old as humankind. The subject has fascinated novelists and playwrights for centuries. It's no wonder. Our connection to brothers and sisters is deep and complex, says Adele Faber, co-author of the best-selling book Siblings Without Rivalry.

"I don't think there's another relationship in which such extreme feelings exist," Faber told JS. "Our brothers and sisters can be our worst enemies and our best friends. And for most of us, it's also the most enduring [long-lasting] relationship we'll have."

Sibling Struggles

Some 80 percent of U.S. kids grow up with siblings. Competition, disagreements, and fights between brothers and sisters are a normal part of that experience. The disputes can serve a purpose: They teach us how to stick up for ourselves, and how to work out problems without involving adults.

Interacting with siblings also helps us to learn what does and does not work when relating to friends and people outside our homes. "Our families are like little laboratories for us to practice our social skills," says Faber.

Sometimes, sibling rivalry motivates us to achieve more. Think of Venus and Serena Williams striving to outslam each other on the tennis court. Or twins Ronde and Tikki Barber battling on the football field.

But there are times when sibling fights can get out of control. If you find that your disagreements are turning into punching or screaming matches, it may be time to bring in an adult referee.

Accepting Differences

Sibling rivalry is usually just irritating--like when your little sister sneaks off with your soccer jersey, or your big brother ignores you in the school hallway. The trick is to keep those little things--annoying as they are--from escalating into big, hairy fights.

Tayona Whitfield, 14, has an ongoing struggle with her sister, Melissa, 7. "We're both stubborn, and neither one of us is willing to give up the telephone," says the Baltimore, Maryland, teen. "Sometimes we fuss and fight...and press the buttons in each other's ears."

But other times the sisters reach a compromise (agreement). "If I'm on the phone for a long time and Melissa wants to use it, I'll just tell my friend I'll call back," Tayona says.

The key to building a good relationship with your brothers and sisters, says Faber, is respecting each other's needs and differences.

Evan Staley agrees. "Try not to be too judgmental [critical] if they do something you don't think is cool," he says. "Chase and I are always talking. We go on walks sometimes to talk things out."

Getting Along

If you find that your relationship with a sibling is more about feuding than friendship, here are some ways to help you build a bridge:

* Be respectful and considerate. "Ask permission if you want to borrow something," says Chase. "Like any relationship, you have to respect your brother or sister's space, opinions, and stuff."

* No put-dawns. No threats. "Cut out the name-calling," says Faber. "Just don't do it." Replace criticism with praise. You may be amazed by the effect!

* Focus on solutions. Yelling sometimes feels good. But eventually you must sit down with your sibling, identify the problem, and agree on a solution. Practice doing that without a parent's help.

* Let your emotions cool. If your brother or sister does something to upset you, take time to chill out. Then tell your sibling how his or her actions made you feel.

* Talk it out. Two-way communication will help you better understand each other. Describe to your brother or sister how you think he or she feels. Then have your sibling do the same with you.

* Spend time with your sibling. Listen to music, play catch, or go to the movies together, and make time for your little brothers or sisters. Sometimes younger siblings' antics are signs that they just want a little attention.

* Work out a schedule. If you and your sibling have a running battle over TV, GameBoy, online, or telephone time, find a way to share. Create a schedule and stick to it.

Building a great relationship with your siblings now can bring big benefits as you grow up.

"There's no other relationship like it," says Faber. "That shared root goes deep and can provide tremendous support in times of trouble. Your family is who you can count on in the end."

Your Turn

WORD MATCH


1. harmony     A. competition
2. rivalry     B. critical
3. enduring    C. agreement
4. compromise  D. long-lasting
5. judgmental  E. peace

THINK ABOUT IT

1. How are sibling ties similar to friendships?
   How are they different?

2. What makes sibling relationships unique?

USA word match.

1. E

2. A

3. D

4. C

5. B