Should sexual preference matter?

Dear Bob,

Over the past six years, I've attended several of your ACA workshops and have put much information and skill learned into practice with our staff and campers. Over the years, we've dealt successfully with many of the common "problems" that occur in camp. This year, however, we had a situation that was uniquely difficult.

A member of our staff came forward and disclosed that he is homosexual. This young man has been at our camp for eight years as a camper, CIT, and now counselor. He has been awarded many of our leadership distinctions, is highly respected by his peers, and is a solid cabin leader.

The struggle we are still having is that we don't feel, given his reputation and track record, that we have any reason to let him go. On the other hand, if we keep him on our staff, there will surely be repercussions from parents or other staff members. Any advice you can give us would be greatly appreciated.

Because of the nature of this matter and for the sake of the counselor's confidentiality, we request that you keep our identity confidential.

Respectfully,

Concerned Director

Dear Concerned,

Thank you for sharing your delicate dilemma. I have had many letters and phone calls from a number of camp directors with similar concerns.

There are many folks in camping who believe that homosexuality is a matter of morality. I am not an authority on morality, so I will limit my response to the practical and psychological issues involved.

The sexual orientation of camp counselors, just like the sexual behavior of camp counselors, is a private matter that should not be shared in a public or cavalier way at camp. The counselor you mention has clearly demonstrated his leadership abilities and his integrity, both as a camper and as a counselor. This is the basis on which his performance at camp should continue to be judged. In other words, what is important at camp is what one actually does, not how one categorizes oneself.

I have spoken to many camp counselors over the past 21 years. (Since 1985, I have had contact with between 2500 and 3000 counselors each summer.) Perceiving me to be a "safe outsider," many have come to me in confidence to share the "secret" of their sexual orientation. Most have declared that they would prefer, as a matter of trust, to tell their director. Their sentiment seems to be that they would rather not have to act like they have something to hide. What keeps them from doing so is the fear that some directors might still see their homosexuality as grounds for dismissal -- either because of the persistent confusion about child molestation and homosexuality(1), or because of a personal "dis-ease" with homosexuality. Most are highly respected, hard working, and trustworthy staff members.

I suspect the young man you refer to in your letter approached you out of that same strong sense of integrity and leadership he learned from you at camp. That being the case, here is my advice:

1. Credit him with having the courage and

trust he has shown you. Whether you

condone homosexuality or not, is not

the point. The issue is his openness and

trust in you.

2. Explain to him that his sexual

orientation is his private business.

While he has a right to his private

mental life, what happens (including

what is shared or said) is what

counts at camp.

3. Explain further that there are many

children, parents, and other staff

members at camp who might be

confused by his disclosure. While it

is his business whether and what he

tells his own close personal friends,

public statements at camp affect

camp, and that is your business. If he

cares about camp (and is not simply

using his sexuality as a cause), he

will understand.

4. Remind him in a non-judgmental way

that you will measure him by what he

does -- how he conducts himself -- just

like every other staff member.

The point is that you expect no more

and no less from him than from other

counselors.

It goes without saying, though it still should be said, that a counselor's private romantic life is something that is not shared with campers -- no matter what preferences are involved. As for your concern about what parents might ask or say, I would respond with a question of your own, such as, "What is your concern?" I find that in most cases, parents are concerned about their child's safety. With the misconception about homosexuality and child abuse, this is where questions from parents usually lead. Your answer, therefore, should focus on the precautions you take to ensure camper safety, including the area of potential abuse. Answering this head-on will show most parents you are clear about the true issue, have thought about it, and have nothing to hide or apologize for.

Ironically, I received this letter from a camp counselor within months of receiving the above letter from the camp director. The counselor is from a different camp. These two letters are related only through serendipity.

Dear Mr. Ditter,

You often write about some of the difficult aspects of life at camp, so l thought you might print this letter about what, for me, has been a painful and mostly unshared experience for most of my seven years at camp.

I have just come from a difficult but open discussion with some of my camp friends about whether any members of the staff at our camp are homosexual. One sentiment I heard expressed was, "Why does homosexuality have to be such a big issue?"

Good point! I don't think homosexuality should be an issue. I am gay (my best friends at camp know this about me), but I don't make it an issue. I don't flaunt it, and I don't run around yelling, "Hey, everybody, I'm queer!" Sexuality, no matter what the orientation, should not be an issue; my point with my letter to you is not to make my preference an issue.

I don't know why I am gay; I didn't choose it, and I can't change it (believe me, I've tried!). When I came out to my friends, none of them changed their views about me; they changed their views about homosexuality. I feel grateful to have friends mature enough to like me for who I am, not what I am.

So why, then, is it such a big deal? I believe the people who make homosexuality an issue are the ones who are so fervently against it.

I believe that everyone has the right to believe in whatever they wish. I respect any one's right to agree or disagree with homosexuality. I hope, however, that everyone will judge others by how they treat people and the way they conduct themselves, rather than by eye color, race, or sexual preference; but we all have the right to choose.

All through my years at camp, I have had the same fun, learned the same hard lessons, made the same friends, and found for myself the same "home" that all the other campers did. Now that I am a counselor, I conduct myself with honesty and concern for others. So why, then, this concern with my sexual orientation? I am not contagious, and in general, my sexuality does not affect camp life. Some people may think my homosexuality repugnant, but if they are confident with their own sexuality, why waste time dwelling on mine? I can't change it, and I keep it to myself. If, as people say, they "don't want anything to do with queers," then why can't they do just that - drop the struggle; you live your life and let me live mine.

You might even get to know me for my personality, my sense of humor, or my love of camp. You might even think, "He's a nice guy." Maybe not. I hope, however, that you find it within yourself to give me a chance. That is the kind of human value I learned at the camp you and I both attended.

Thanks for the chance to say this. I wrote in hopes that it might help us all move on to the more important work that camp can accomplish.

Name withheld by request.

(1) Most experts agree that by far the bulk of child sexual offenders are heterosexual males (about 90 percent). Approximately 5 to 7 percent are women.

Bob Ditter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in child and adolescent treatment. Camp directors are invited to write to Bob at: Bob Ditter, "In the Trenches," 93 Union St., Ste. 307, Newton, MA 02159. Letters should be signed, although requests for confidentiality will be honored. "In the Trenches" is sponsored by American Income Life Insurance.