Shelley Vision; Ill-judged comments give show Vex Factor.
IT was 'Heroes' week on The X Factor. Apart from when it wasn't.
Unsullied by anything as tiresome as the actual rules of his own show, Simon Cowell assigned his dreadful boy band One Direction a song by the inspirational figure of... Kelly Clarkson.
As for Diva Fever, Cowell decided their all-time Heroes were Duck Sauce, whose novelty song Barbra Streisand is - coincidentally - currently gracing the charts.
Most hilariously of all, Belle Amie (or "Bellamy" as I think of them - a girl group devoted to the fiery Cardiff City winger) sang You Really Got Me by The Kinks, a group I doubt they'd ever heard of.
How stupid did the other acts feel!?!
John, Aiden, Treyc and Mary had been earnestly pouring their hearts into trying to do justice to their favourite songs by childhood idols Donny Hathaway, John Lennon, Prince, and Dusty. Suckers!
"Storm" Lee chose to pay homage to his idol, Bruce Springsteen, by murdering Born To Run.
"You're like a singing fly," Simon Cowell adjudged, though to be fair to singing flies, he wasn't as good as that.
He was though Louis Walsh's idea of what a rock star should be: Hard Rock Caf karaoke.
Personally, I mostly watch The X Factor in anticipation of the moment when this ageing loser gets the boot.
"How can I be a failed rock star?" Lee protested about Cowell's description, "when I'm performing to 20 million people?" - conveniently ignoring the fact that a) it was 13.7 million and b) aged 37, only a failed rock star would be on this show.
Still, no lesser authority than Dannii Minogue thought he sang "very well".
That said, she also gave "Storm" the credit for winning over the audience.
Frankly, a troupe of screeching baboons would be more discriminating than the moronic hordes that boo any judges comment that is vaguely critical.
If I could change one thing about The X Factor, it would be to equip the floor managers with Tasers to make them SHUT UP.
With the actual talent element a straight race between Rebecca, Aiden and Malvern gangsta Cher, the most gripping contest in The X Factor is now: which of the judges can be the most irritating.
Grannii Minogue had a good week - littering her dull adjudications with terms like "hip" and "it rocks" when she's as fashionable as acne (less in fact).
She banged on and on about not being able to understand Wagner's accent. Talk about missing the point.
Cheryl Cole is fine apart from looking permanently on the verge of tears - as if her eyes cannot stand the weight of all that mascara.
Louis Walsh had made the strange decision to dye his hair ginger, making him look even more like The Riddler.
His adjudications included such outlandish observations as describing Cher as "a mini Cheryl Cole", declaring hot favourite Rebecca "could go all the way" and saying Belle Amie "remind me a bit of a young Girls Aloud."
Stick your neck out Louis! Cowell had a terrible week, continuing to be uncharacteristically sympathetic to no-hopers such as John, Mary, and Paije.
He claimed Katie "Big Ears" Waissel had "a rawness and an authenticity", when she is transparently calculated, fake, and prepared to do absolutely anything for fame.
His line that dire boy band One Direction were "the most exciting pop band in the country today" was just embarrassing.
His most devastating assessment came when he commended John, saying "you gave it 100%" - more flagrant flouting of the rules of the show.
Everyone knows it should be at least "150%".
Business is just beachy
IN The Apprentice "some of Britain's brightest business prospects" cobbled together the worst inventions in the show's history.
Led by Stella, the boys' team came up with... a rolled up towel you could rest your head on.
"The age of the traditional beach towel is dead," pompous prig Chris told buyers. Meanwhile, on the girls' team, Joanne tackled one of the great blights of our modern lives.
"When I'm reading a book on the beach," she moaned, "it would be good to have something that holds it properly." Like a hand, perhaps? Never mind the iPad or the Kindle, the girls' reading device was the Book-eeze - basically a selfassembly music stand that would blow over at the merest gust.
Team member Melissa also found reading on the beach "problematic. It can be quite fiddly."
I never realised I was so clever.
MI5's finest? Some chance
THIS week in Spooks, MI5's finest delivered the scientist they were meant to be protecting directly to the people threatening her when they were duped by "a triple agent" working for the Chinese.
"I couldn't have got it more wrong if I tried," sighed Beth, who was meant to be Kai's, um, handler.
"We've been on the end of their rope from the start!" Harry realised more than a bit too late. "We've been manipulated by a foreign superpower on our own soil, not only with ease but with contempt."
Thank God they're out there eh?
Smooth-talking devil of the week 1
"YOUR eyes are like two stars, a little afraid. Once again, I am a small boy. You bewilder me."
- Paul Whitehouse, as Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, chats up an assistant (Harry & Paul)
Bad judge of the week
1 "GARETH, it's not that bad is it?"
- Adrian Chiles at half time on England-Montenegro
Secret codes of the week 1.
"THE cress is sprouting late this year."
2. CIA officers: "Protocol, mauve, six, pelican." MI5 response: "Gold, nine, cormorant."
- Spooks Greeting of the week 1
- An old friend to Billy Mitchell (EastEnders).
Charming Greeting of the week 2
"WELCOME to This Week, a show that holds the record for gratuitous references to cheap German wine, dodgy Mayfair clubs and Michael Portillo's super-tight Speedos."
- Andrew Neil (This Week)
Good point of the week
"IT'S a rule bruv. No man likes Jude Law..."
- Ashley (Phone Shop) Well, he said it "YOU know what we've got here don't you? Another copycat."
- Steve Pemberton reveals the plot of Whitechapel - pretty much the same as the first story, except with The Krays instead of The Ripper
"WHO'S this in this picture? I'll give you a clue. It's Jim Murphy."- Benedict Cumberbatch (Have I Got News For You)
Little Miss Sunshine
"EVERY morning you've got to look in the mirror and ask yourself - 'if today was my funeral, would there be a decent turn out'?"
- Darren (EastEnders)
"THIS is fantastic. It's like I imagine the earth of Mexico to be. Though I doubt it tastes quite as good as this."
- Nigella on a mix of bourbons, dark chocolate and butter. So not at all like earth then (Nigella Kitchen)
White lie of the week
"I FIND inspiration from anywhere and everywhere."
- From Croydon? No thought not. (Nigella Kitchen) Smooth-talking devil of the week 2 "YOU smell good."
- Don Draper's chat-up line du jour (Mad Men)
Good question of the week
"HOW many bananas do you think I weigh?" - Norris Cole (Coronation St).
Answers on a postcard.
Bad news of the week 1
DC KENT: "I've been striped."
DS Ray Miles: "Deep slashes to the buttocks. Villains like it because it's a nasty injury and you can't be done for attempted murder."
- Ouch! (Whitechapel)
Bad news of the week 2
"THE next miner is Jimmy Sanchez. We're talking about someone who doesn't like the dark, doesn't like confined spaces..." - Reporter on the rescue in Chile (Sky News) Bad judge of the week 2 "YOU'RE not spotting when you're turning."
- Craig Revel Horwood to Ann Widdecombe (Strictly). Talk about missing the point!
Deduction of the week
"THIS is serious Rebecca! Your pottery book was found in his flat when he was murdered."
- DS Matt Devlin (Law & Order: UK). No that's not serious.
New SpongeBob (Nickelodeon) "It's. Time. To. Face.
Ukrainian Frieda Petrenko (Planet Holby) Best character on television Inside Nature's Giants: Giant Squid Gross. But good.
Billy Jackson (EastEnders) Death of a minor character: get over it
John Stape as 'Colin Fishwick' (Coronation Street) Dull minor character having far-fetched escapades
Lesbian drama Lip Service Dial a clich
GAG OF THE WEEK
"TO boost audience, the organisers gave out thousands of free tickets to primary school children. Which sadly they couldn't use as most of them couldn't get the time off work."
- Benedict Cumberbatch on India's Commonwealth Games (Have I Got News For You)
"England have lost just once in 2010" - Peter Drury (Euro 2012 Qualifier Live)
AND ON THAT BOMBSHELL..
EMAIL YOUR TV VIEWS TO: firstname.lastname@example.org
FOR MORE SOUNDBITES OF THE WEEK, GO TO www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/ columnists/jim-shelley
BIG IDEA Bookish Joanne EXCITING? One Direction IT'S A MOD THING Girl group Belle Amie pay tribute to their 1960s 'heroes' The Kinks
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|Publication:||The Mirror (London, England)|
|Date:||Oct 18, 2010|
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