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Shelley Vision: The Shaftas 2001: And Jim Shelley Can Really Dish It Out.

Byline: JIM SHELLEY

PERHAPS during the year 2002 someone in a soap will mention the words "Osama bin Laden", but I wouldn't bet on it.

Other predictions, though, are easier.

On ITV, expensive post-EastEnders flops Ross and Martin Kemp team up to remake The Professionals, calling it The Professional Geezers

In EastEnders:

Steve Owen feels sorry for Well'Ard and buys him a new kennel. The man from the pet shop says the price is 25 pounds 50 but Steve gives him a hundred (a hundred thousand).

There are cameos from 1970s throw-backs/has-beens: Freddie Starr, Stan Bowles and Marlon Brando.

In Brookside:

Ron Dixon emerges from prison with a miraculous love for black men and gay people - possibly for the same reason.

A suicide bomber obliterates The Parade.

Katie Rodgers smiles. And Jacqui Dixon is rushed to the 'ossie with an 'art attack.

In Coronation Street:

A serial killer abducts Rita Fairclough and tortures her, Reservoir Dogs- style. Betty Turpin is attacked by a short man with spiky hair clutching a rabbit named Barney.

In Emmerdale:

Someone is actually spotted doing a bit of farming - with a farm animal.

Meanwhile, here are Shelley-vision's awards for 2001:

PALE IMITATIONS

Poor man's This Life: Attachments/Hearts & Bones, etc.

Poor man's Cold Feet: Cold Feet.

Poor man's Walking With Dinosaurs: Walking With Beasts.

Poor man's Popstars: Soapstars.

Poor man's Loyd Grossman (Masterchef): Gary Rhodes.

Poor man's Magnus Magnesium (Mastermind): Clive Anderson (BBC Choice).

Poor man's EastEnders: Coronation Street.

Poor man's The Waltons: Band Of Brothers.

WORST TITLE OF THE YEAR

'Orrible. Runners-up: When Good Pets Turn Bad, The Premiership, Legends: Hattie Jacques.

PORN STAR OF THE YEAR

Nigella Lawson (Nigella Bites, aka Nigella Licks, Nigella Swallows,

etc.).

GO AWAY, LEAVE US ALONE AWARD

Frank Skinner/Graham Norton.

MOST OVERRATED

Jonathan Creek, Linda Green, Trigger Happy, Band Of Brothers (aka The Waltons Win The Second World War).

MOST UNDERRATED

The Bill, Gazzetta Football Italia, Without Motive, Celebrity Sleepover.

BIGGEST LET-DOWN

Josh in Big Brother. Runners-up: Steve Coogan's Dr Terrible's House Of Horrible; Only Fools And Horses Christmas Special; The Queen's Speech.

MADDEST

PROGRAMME

Peak Practice (eg: "Leanne's lucky he didn't kill her. I got him off the street. That's all that matters." - the Peak Practice doctor (Tom Denely) who's been watching too many Dirty Harry films).

Runners up: Richard & Judy (especially You Say, We Pay), Deirdre & Me, International Indoor Bowls, 999.

BEST DOCTOR

Patrick Spiller (Casualty).

Worst: Matt Ramsden from Coronation Street (never heard of condoms or the morning-after pill).

UNLUCKIEST MAN ON TELEVISION

Josh (Casualty). Runners-up: That bloke who has to kiss Gail in Coronation St; anyone in a soap called Ashley.

BEST PUNDIT

John McEnroe (Wimbledon). Worst: Cathy Freeman (The Olympics). Inexplicable pundits: Andy Townshend, Barry Venison.

BEST COUPLE

Steve MacDonald and Karen (Corrie). Runners-up: Patrick Spiller and Lara Croft (Casualty).

BEST HOAX

"This is a crab. This has sex with kids. Genetically, paedophiles have more genes in common with crabs than with you and me. THAT is scientific fact. There's no evidence for it, but it IS scientific fact." - Dr Fox (Brass Eye).

BEST PROGRAMME ABOUT VERMIN

Life of Grime. Runner-up: Louis Theroux Meets The Hamiltons.

TRADES DESCRIPTION ACT ALERT (COMEDY)

"Funtime Frankie" Skinner and David Baddiel's sitcom on Sky, Baddiel's Syndrome. Runners-up: Sam's Game, The Richard Blackwood Show, My Hero, 'Orrible, Lenny Henry's In Pieces (how true), anything with Lee Evans in it.

"POPULAR" TV STARS WHO ARE NOT POPULAR

Male: Jamie Theakston. Female: Zoe Ball. Dog: Scooby Doo's cousin Scrappy Doo. Runners-up: Ruby Wax, Caroline Quentin, Vernon Kay ("who acts like an uncle who thinks young girls fancy him", according to one perecptive Shelleyvision reader).

HOPES FOR THE NEW YEAR

ITV: Stop dicking around with The Bill.

Coronation Street: Forget about Bet Lynch coming back.

The BBC: Stop shooting, raping and murdering the doctors in Holby City.

SHELLEYVISION'S HOPE FOR THE NEW YEAR

Lindsey Corkhill's parachute fails to open (Challenge Of A Lifetime).

SOAP QUOTES OF THE YEAR

Zak Dingle (Emmerdale): "You look like you're wasting away."

Mandy Dingle: "I'm just watching what I eat." (And eat and eat and eat.)

"LINDA really wants to learn how to ski. Dad does, too, so I could teach them. Mum didn't like skiing that much but Linda's really up for it." - Adam Barlow on Linda (Coronation Street)

"WHAT did the doctor say? What brought it on?" - Anthea asks Ron why he had a heart attack... during his trial for murder (Brookside).

Toyah Battersby: "I don't think Dennis meant to hurt anybody."

Les: "Oh yeah! Hitler never meant to hurt anybody."

Toyah: "I think he did, actually." (Coronation Street)

"YOU could have come and spoke to me about it" - teacher Charlie gets her grammar bad in Coronation Street.

Bernice: "Ashley, I'm pregnant!"

Ashley: With a baby?" (Emmerdale)

MAN OF THE YEAR

RICKY GERVAIS, The Office: "This is the accountants' department. Do not be fooled by their job descriptions. They are abso-lutely mad, all of them. Specially that one! He's mad. He's mental. Not literally. That wouldn't work."

RUNNERS-UP: Tony Soprano, Les Battersby, Gareth (The Office), Anton Meyer (Holby City), Barry Grant (The Bill), David Attenborough (The Blue Planet). Tom "very fascinating" Paulin (Newsnight Review).

Greg Whelan, the mad bloke on Sky's Soccer Saturday, reporting excitedly on Bolton v Leicester. "Greg Whelan will be going for a lie-down in a dark room very shortly," confirmed presenter Jeff Stelling.

MORON OF THE YEAR (MALE): Jamie Oliver - only the second person in the history of Desert Island Discs not to take a book with him to his "desert island". Runner-up: Ron Dixon (Brookside)

WIMP OF THE YEAR: Tim Henman for his clenched fist.

SHELLEYVISION TOP 10

1 The Sopranos

2 The Office

3 The Weakest Link USA

4 Oz (E4)

5 Holby City

6 Millennium (Sci Fi Channel)

7 Faking It

8 The Blue Planet

9 Extremes

10 Marion & Geoff

SOAP AWARDS

WORST STORYLINES: Charity getting her HGV licence (Emmerdale); Molly telling Kevin Webster to look on the bright side (Coronation Street); Pauline Fowler thinking that someone fancied her (EastEnders).

BEST EYEBROW IN SOAP: Sharon Watts.

BEST TRUNK: Sunitta.

BEST COMEDY NECK-BRACE: Garry Hobbs.

MOST GRINS DURING A CAMEO: Marti Pellow (Emmerdale). Runner-up: Goldie (EastEnders).

COURAGE BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY:

Dev, for snogging Deirdre.

VILLAINS OF

THE YEAR

Channel 4 News Coverage of September 11 interrupted by Countdown

The Premiership Managed to make the Premiership boring

The Monarch Of The Glen The evil in our mist

DOH!!! OF THE YEAR

"THERE are times when I look at her and she looks like an older Sharon Stone"

-- Jimmi Harkishin on Deirdre Rachid-Barlow actress Anne Kirkbride, Deirdre & Me.

(What, like, 100 years older?)

SEPARATED AT BIRTH OF THE YEAR

The New Milk Tray Man

Peter Beardsley

WINNERS OF

THE YEAR

Sky News Horribly addictive, even before September 11

Brass Eye Managed to upset everyone

EastEnders Obliterated everything in its parff

SHELLEYVISION WORST 10

1 Beech On The Run

2 The Cut With Jo Whiley

3 (Kilroy-Silk Gets) Shafted

4 'Orrible

5 Any programme eulogis- ing Des O'Connor

6 The Richard Blackwood Show

7 Crossroads (obviously)

8 Mike Baldwin & Me

9 Anything featuring some one who was in Big Brother

10 Brookside

WOMAN OF THE YEAR

LYNNE SLATER EastEnders. Just when you thou- ght her relat- ionship with Garry was improbable enough, she pulled Beppe Di Marco - and turned him down. What a woman! (What a plain woman.)

RUNNERS-UP: Carmela Soprano; Eva "Shagger" Pope (Peak Practice); Kat "Why don't you leave us alone and go somewhere and die, you cow?" Slater; Little Mo for stabbing Brian McClair-lookalike Trevor; Ronni Ancona in Alistair MacGowan's Big Impression; Ronni Ancona's backside in Dr Terrible's House Of Horrible; Lisa Burke, the Irish weather girl on Sky - so demented, who cares what the weather's actually like? Or notices...

MORON OF THE YEAR (FEMALE): Jordan whining about being pregnant on The Frank Skinner Show.

...AND ON THAT

BOMBSHELL

CHICKENS have a kind of energy that excites me. Knowing a chicken is very special. I believe that people one day will understand as I do - all children and adults - how wonderful a little chicken can be. All chickens. They have a special personality. May you all have the same joy I have had, knowing a chicken.

Passionate chicken fancier from Ch4 documentary Chicken

CAPTION(S):

MAN POWER: Gervais; GRUB'S UP: Mandy; ITEM: Steve and Karen; COLDER; SO MAD: Peak ON THE PULL: Lynne
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Title Annotation:Features
Publication:The Mirror (London, England)
Date:Jan 1, 2002
Words:1399
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