Sex and relationships: while the battle for same-sex marriage dominates the news, gay and lesbian couples have the spotlight. But not all of us opt for marriage or even monogamy. In this special report, 24 Advocate readers, ages 18 to 71, share their experiences of sex and relationships. Are the most enduring partnerships begun in the bedroom? Or is it something else that brings and keeps us together?Angela Wicks Age: 21 Residence: Kent, Ohio Kent is a city in Portage County, Ohio, United States. The population was 27,906 at the 2000 census, making it the county's largest city. Kent is home to the main campus of Kent State University. Nearby metropolitan areas include Akron, Cleveland, Canton, and Youngstown-Warren. Occupation: student Identifies as: lesbian Relationship status: partnered, 1 1/2 years When my girlfriend, Yvonne, and I started dating, sex wasn't always at the forefront of our conversations, but we did make it clear that we both wanted monogamy monogamy: see marriage. . We worked to form a dose, intimate, and honest relationship. Sex plays a role but would never make or break it. During the spring of 2003 Yvonne went to Italy to study. We went without seeing each other for almost six months. Through that experience we grew stronger knowing that we could get through any challenge that came our way. We proved that holding someone in your heart can be just as strong as holding someone in your arms. We have become more comfortable in expressing our thoughts. Pleasing each other is something that we no longer have to try for; it just happens naturally. Yvonne Wigman Age: 49 Residence: Canberra, Australia Occupation: public servant Identifies as: lesbian Relationship status: partnered, 4 years For me, sex is a foundation. Without it, things get shaky. I think sex is a natural expression of strong feelings between two people. If a relationship is to endure, I've found that the sex has to as well. I've had two relationships in which the sex dwindled and then disappeared. No amount of friendly affection can compensate for unfulfilled physical need. But sex is not everything. My partner, Patricia, and I both are menopausal men·o·pause n. The period marked by the natural and permanent cessation of menstruation, occurring usually between the ages of 45 and 55. [New Latin m (not what you would call conducive con·du·cive adj. Tending to cause or bring about; contributive: working conditions not conducive to productivity. See Synonyms at favorable. to regular sexual activity), so we are pretty erratic er·rat·ic adj. 1. Having no fixed or regular course; wandering. 2. Lacking consistency, regularity, or uniformity: an erratic heartbeat. 3. in making time for our Lovemaking love·mak·ing n. 1. Sexual activity, especially sexual intercourse. 2. Courtship; wooing. lovemaking Noun 1. , but quantity is made up for by quality. We flirt a lot, which helps. And we compliment Not to be confused with Complement. Compliment may be
or grain Any grass yielding starchy seeds suitable for food. The most commonly cultivated cereals are wheat, rice, rye, oats, barley, corn, and sorghum. As human food, cereals are usually marketed in raw grain form or as ingredients of food products. ] in the morning. Brad Buyse Age: 46 Residence: Sacramento Occupation: campaign manager Identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 13 years My partner, Troy (bottom, left), and I are going on our 13th year of a wonderful journey together. It hasn't always been easy, but we both have the same goal--to be together forever. After 13 years of monogamy I am more in love than the first day I laid eyes on him. Sometimes we make love: holding each other and kissing. Other times it's just hot sex. Having sex is much more fulfilling when you are totally in love with your partner. I tell him every day that I love him. Micah Bisson Age: 24 Residence: Aurora Aurora, cities, United States Aurora (ərôr`ə, ô–). 1 City (1990 pop. 222,103), Adams and Arapahoe counties, N central Colo., a growing suburb on the east side of Denver; inc. 1903. , Colo. Occupation: insurance agent Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single and looking Single and Looking (formerly Out of the Gene Pool) is a comic strip drawn by Matt Janz that appears nationwide seven days a week. The strip is syndicated by the Washington Post Writers Group. Unlike many people I know under 30, I value intimacy This article or section may contain original research or unverified claims. Please help Wikipedia by adding references. See the for details. This article has been tagged since September 2007. in relationships. I don't believe that bad sex should be the sole reason for ending a relationship, because I happen to be of the opinion that anything, including problems with sex, can be worked out. While I do believe that there is a certain element of chemistry that must be present, it works best for me if sex occurs within the context of an intimate relationship An intimate relationship is a particularly close interpersonal relationship. It is a relationship in which the participants know or trust one another very well or are confidants of one another, or a relationship in which there is physical or emotional intimacy. . Since I'm currently in the world of dating (which, by the way, sucks royally), I abide by my own rule of no sex until after three or four dates, if not longer. Call it a safeguard, but I know what I want, and if I "give it up," then the relationship is more likely to be based on sex, and the chances of it falling apart because of poor sexual performance or infidelity increase. Andrew Weissman Age: 23 Residence: Miami Occupation: student Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single Sex in relationships is definitely important. But I also like a sense of adventure, having good priorities set in life, and other factors. I have found that without good sex the relationship almost always fails. My ex and I had amazing a·maze v. a·mazed, a·maz·ing, a·maz·es v.tr. 1. To affect with great wonder; astonish. See Synonyms at surprise. 2. Obsolete To bewilder; perplex. v.intr. sexual chemistry, and we were both very open to anything the other one might want to try or do. With this openness, the relationship always had a solid base. Of course, it got to the point where sex was the only thing we had still going, and at that point the relationship had to end. I needed more. I craved crave v. craved, crav·ing, craves v.tr. 1. To have an intense desire for. See Synonyms at desire. 2. To need urgently; require. 3. To beg earnestly for; implore. vacations, dinners out, even skydiving skydiving Sport of jumping from an airplane at a moderate altitude (e.g., 6,000 ft [1,800 m]) and executing various body maneuvers before pulling the rip cord of a parachute. Competitive events include jumping for style, landing with accuracy, and performing in teams (e.g. , and none of that he could do with me. So with sex being the only common factor, a relationship really is not destined des·tine tr.v. des·tined, des·tin·ing, des·tines 1. To determine beforehand; preordain: a foolish scheme destined to fail; a film destined to become a classic. 2. to go far--there needs to be other factors involved to really make a relationship work. J.M. Tkalec Age: 39 Residence: Akron, Ohio Akron is a city in the U.S. state of Ohio and the county seat of Summit County.GR6 The municipality is located in northeastern Ohio on the Cuyahoga River between Cleveland to the north and Canton to the south, approximately 60 miles (96 km) west of Occupation: owner of candle distributorship Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single I was partnered with a man for 10 years. For the first 9 1/2 years the relationship was very much a "good marriage," full of love, support, laughter, and sharing all aspects of life. But our relationship ended when my partner experienced what must have been a midlife crisis midlife crisis n. A period of psychological doubt and anxiety that some people experience in middle age. midlife crisis and decided to took for greener grass. Though I do still hope to find that one man to share my life, at this stage I'm not actively looking for Looking for In the context of general equities, this describing a buy interest in which a dealer is asked to offer stock, often involving a capital commitment. Antithesis of in touch with. him. I'm perfectly content and happy to have wonderful friendships. Don't get me wrong, having a sex life is a wonderful thing, but it's become unimportant un·im·por·tant adj. Not important; petty. un  im·por tance n. at this point. I
don't want to have sex with a stranger--someone who has no clue as
to what buttons to push or where they are, for that matter.
Steve Primeau Age: 20 Residence: Orlando, Fla. Occupation: Web developer Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single Sex has always been a somewhat uncomfortable topic with me. Its role in my relationships has always been negative, as it seems that once sex is introduced the predominant pre·dom·i·nant adj. 1. Having greatest ascendancy, importance, influence, authority, or force. See Synonyms at dominant. 2. focus of the relationship becomes sexual satisfaction. Perhaps it's because I've never waited more than a few weeks to climb into bed and I allow myself to get wrapped up in something I consider shallow, instead of allowing it to become an expression of my feelings for my partner. Whenever I've had relationships that are solely sexual, or even have friendships that allow for sex, they've crumbled crum·ble v. crum·bled, crum·bling, crum·bles v.tr. To break into small fragments or particles. v.intr. 1. To fall into small fragments or particles; disintegrate. faster than a dry coffee cake. Maybe it's just me? But in my humble opinion and rather short experience, sex has on[y caused problems when it's played a major role in a developing relationship. Now is probably a good time to say I've turned to celibacy celibacy (sĕl`ĭbəsē), voluntary refusal to enter the married state, with abstinence from sexual activity. It is one of the typically Christian forms of asceticism. while I figure out what I really need from my man: It's cleared my mind a bit and helped me focus on the things that a relationship should be--an expression of love and truly enjoying the company of another. Jennifer Hadlock Age: 32 Residence: Hartford, Conn. Occupation: community organizer Identifies as: bisexual bisexual /bi·sex·u·al/ (-sek´shoo-al) 1. pertaining to or characterized by bisexuality. 2. an individual exhibiting bisexuality. 3. pertaining to or characterized by hermaphroditism. 4. Relationship status: partnered, 3 years My partner, Monique, and I are monogamous and have an active, fun sex life. Being monogamous allows us to feel safe experimenting and trusting one another. Good sex is important, and the lack of it has the potential to end a relationship. Neither of us could put up with lesbian bed death Lesbian bed death is a term invented by sex researcher Pepper Schwartz to describe the supposedly inevitable diminishment of sexual passion in long term lesbian relationships. The term is sometimes used to refer to diminished sexual activity in any long term relationship. . But I also think it's just one in an array of important factors. I love having my girlfriend with me, and I feel committed to making our relationship work. Jeff Mitchell Jeffrey Clay Mitchell (born January 29, 1974 in Clearwater, Florida) is a former American football center who most recently played for the Carolina Panthers in the NFL. He played college football at the University of Florida. Age: 42 Residence: Naperville, Ill. Occupation: communications director Identifies as: gay Relationship status: recently married in San Francisco San Francisco (săn frănsĭs`kō), city (1990 pop. 723,959), coextensive with San Francisco co., W Calif., on the tip of a peninsula between the Pacific Ocean and San Francisco Bay, which are connected by the strait known as the Golden ; has been with partner 7 years Sex is just one factor in our relationship. I am not saying we don't have great sex: After seven years our sex is, if anything, better than it was at the start--and that's pretty good. But after all this time, having a companion, a confidant, and a partner who's there through thick and thin is much more important than what happens between the sheets. Are we monogamous? Not really. But I wouldn't describe the relationship as open either. We have established boundaries and live within them but recognize that as males, sometimes we just want to see someone else naked. As long as you respect your partner, occasional dalliances are not a big deal. Robert Penn Robert Penn (born October 10 1872, died June 8,1912 at Las Animas, Colorado) was a United States Navy sailor and a recipient of America's highest military decoration—the Medal of Honor—for his actions during the Spanish-American War. Age: 20 Residence: Wayne, NJ. Occupation: receptionist identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 4 months Growing up, I was always taught that sex should be something shared between two people who have strong feelings for each other. While I haven't always practiced that, the older I get, the more I believe it. When I first accepted the fact that I am gay, it seemed like a race for me to lose my virginity Virginity See also Chastity, Purity. Agnes, St. patron saint of virgins. [Christian Hagiog.: Brewer Dictionary, 16] Atala Indian maiden learns too late she can be released from her vow to remain a virgin. [Fr. Lit. . Looking back now, I truly wish I had waited. I was too young and stupid, and I did it for all the wrong reasons. Sex isn't something that should be planned. When the time is right it will just happen. In relationships there is so much more at work than sex; you have to find a balance. Sex has its place, but it's not everything. Christian Witt Age: 19 Residence: Grand Forks Grand Forks, city (1990 pop. 49,425), seat of Grand Forks co., E N.Dak., at the confluence of the Red and the Red Lake rivers; inc. 1881. In a spring wheat, livestock, and farm area, the city has grain elevators, state-operated flour mills, and plants that process , N.D. Occupation: student Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single Honestly, I must have love in order to have sex. I realize that this desire is not in sync with many of my gay peers (or straight ones, for that matter). Once in love, I think sex becomes important in maintaining a healthy and happy relationship. But it is not the foundation of my relationships, so bad sex is not grounds for breaking up in my book. As a couple, you have to work together to make sex satisfying. Shawna Minnick Age: 23 Residence: Portland, Ore. Occupation: loan officer Identifies as: lesbian Relationship status: partnered, 1 year I only form very deep and committed relationships A committed relationship is an interpersonal relationship based upon a mutually agreed upon commitment to one another involving exclusivity, honesty, or some other agreed upon behavior. . I am not a casual-sex type of person. Sex is a way to express my feelings for my partner and let her know how deeply I truly feel for her. I don't think good sex is that important to a relationship. Then again, I have only been with one person in my life, and every time we have sex it is the most wonderful experience. The love that I feel for my partner makes every experience wonderful and erotic erotic /erot·ic/ (e-rot´ik) 1. charged with sexual feeling. 2. pertaining to sexual desire. e·rot·ic adj. 1. Of or concerning sexual love and desire. . So many things go into our relationship, and sex is not what keeps us together. Karl Volk Age: 71 Residence: Poughkeepsie, N.Y. Occupation: retired art teacher Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single I've never really had a long-term relationship that could have resulted in marriage. I feel very alone a lot of the time. I have another gay man, someone formerly in a straight marriage who is now a grandfather, who lives in my house with me. I hope that more gays will get married and stay married. A lot of things have changed for gays and lesbians in my time here. The gay group here virtually disintegrated because so many gay men are now paired up and younger gays no longer feel like they have to be around all gays to function with nongay peers. No one would think this is true with the stories of gay bashings Gay bashing is an expression used to designate verbal confrontation with, denigration of, or physical violence against people thought to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered (LGBT) because of their apparent sexual orientation or gender identity. , but it is true. Many things have changed and are still changing. David Shelton Age: 33 Residence: Clarksville, Tenn. Occupation: graphic designer Identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 2 years I've been in my first same-sex relationship same-sex relationship n → gleichgeschlechtliche Beziehung f for two years now. After a lifetime of struggling with my sexuality, it really took me by surprise. I agonized ag·o·nize v. ag·o·nized, ag·o·niz·ing, ag·o·niz·es v.intr. 1. To suffer extreme pain or great anguish. 2. To make a great effort; struggle. v.tr. . I cried myself to sleep. I wanted someone to love. I just didn't realize that the person I was looking for was a man. I've never used sex as a form of recreation. I guess I'm a bit of a prude prude n. One who is excessively concerned with being or appearing to be proper, modest, or righteous. [French, short for prude femme, virtuous woman : Old French prude in that I wanted any sexual encounter to be something special. I wanted it to be real. So I waited. And waited. And damn it DAMN IT acronym for a clinical investigation plan, based on probable pathophysiologic causes of the disease present. It consists of Degenerative, developmental; Allergic, autoimmune; Metabolic, mechanical; Nutritional, neoplastic; I , I waited some more! It was then that T met Curtis. I was 30. His charm, his warm smile, and his pure heart won me over. Several months went by before we had sex. We both wanted our relationship to be built on love, trust, friendship, and yes, even faith. Sex is a very meaningful part of our union, but it's an expression of that union, not a basis of it. Michael Haynesworth Age: 24 Residence: Louisville, Ky. Occupation: student Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single and looking Relationships are not easy for me to form because I am a deaf black gay man. Of course, relationships are more important than sex, but sex is good. I've always only been in short-term relationships because long-term relationships are difficult to form. I want a more serious relationship not based on just sex. It hurts my feelings to know that some people can't look past my disability. And that's usually due to communication. I'm used to dating all guys who can hear and not deaf guys. It makes communication very difficult. Ginny Ginny is most often used as a short form of the name Virginia, but often also refers to Ginevra, Geneva, Genevieve and other Juniper-related names. In addition, when a food or beverage has a juniper taste, it is said to be ginny (the word gin is derived from the Dutch word for Law Age: 28 Residence: Springfield, Mo. Occupation: social worker Identifies as: lesbian Relationship status: partnered, 4 years On the whole, I choose monogamous relationships. I have had friendships with romantic elements, but I have never been involved with more than one person at a time. My partner, Amy (far left), and I own a home together and want to start a family. Whether sex is important to a relationship depends on how a person views sex. Is it just the physical gratification GRATIFICATION. A reward given voluntarily for some service or benefit rendered, without being requested so to do, either expressly or by implication. attained from the act, or is there a deeper emotional component? For me, it is the emotional bond formed from the act that makes it important. Don't get me wrong, orgasms are great, but you can do that alone. The physical expression of the love you feel for that other person makes a huge difference in the experience. I don't think that bad sex is enough reason to end a relationship. If they are really invested in the relationship, the couple will find a way to work on the sex aspect. Matt Klang Age: 24 Residence: Omaha Occupation: senior benefits specialist Identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 2 1/2, years If relationships were only built on sex, then don't you think there would be more single people? Since we don't really need a partner to "get off," then why be in the relationship? I feel that there has to be more to a relationship. Sex is important but not the most important thing. As for my relationship, we both know what we like. I feel comfortable enough that if I wanted something different sexually, I would be able to bring it up with my partner for discussion. It keeps our relationship fresh and honest. Communication, even about sex, is very important. Michael Ponce Age: 18 Residence: Oakland, Calif. Occupation: student Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single I had a "two-night" stand relationship with a guy once. I didn't really care about the guy--I just wanted sex. I might try that again, but mostly I form friendships with a lot of people because it's hard to find a good boyfriend these days. I believe that sleeping with my friends is a bad idea because it can further complicate com·pli·cate tr. & intr.v. com·pli·cat·ed, com·pli·cat·ing, com·pli·cates 1. To make or become complex or perplexing. 2. To twist or become twisted together. adj. 1. the friendship. Some people might say that sex is not a big thing, but they're lying, because they know in their hearts that the pleasure of sex is one of the reasons why there are a lot of couples these days. Sex is a "need," not a "want." No one can live without it. Mauricio Botero-Velez Age: 45 Residence: Stuart, Fla. Occupation: physician Identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 10 years Sex is different when you have it with your partner, especially if you are in a long-term monogamous relationship. It becomes more like a ritual, like a symbol of a union, and many times it doesn't come naturally--many times it is almost like a sacrifice; you have to struggle to do it. While sex is not the most important part of a relationship, it can be very meaningful. Danielle Gann-Lind Age: 36 Residence: Reno Occupation: database administrator Identifies as: bisexual Relationship status: partnered, 8 years I am a bisexual female and I form nonmonogamous relationships. Currently I am in a monogamous relationship while I finish my degree, but I am interested in having another female lover. Sex plays somewhat of a role in my relationships, but it is not a deciding factor. And sex isn't the biggest part of what keeps me with my partner. Emotional support, companionship companionship the faculty possessed by most truly domesticated animals. They are social creatures and have a great need for the companionship of other animals. Animals in groups are quieter and more productive as a rule. , and friendship are equally as important, if not more so, than sex. Paul Bertram Age: 41 Residence: Amsterdam Occupation: educator Identifies as: gay Relationship status: single I have always been attracted to guys already in relationships--mostly successful, intelligent men whom I found fascinating. When I came out at 15, I would fall in love with older guys. My first love, Paul, was 22, and my second, Rob, was 32. I even dated a friend of my father's in his late 40s when I was 16. Later, when I formed adult relationships I chose partners equal, in age, intelligence, and social background. When I sleep with a guy who I really like, I'll fall, in love for a long time; I have no need to play around. I do flirt, and I do fall in love with other guys, but I like the fact that I have that special sexual bond with this one person for a longer period of time. Sex lubricates a relationship; it evens out difficulties. It's a language that can speak in the most profound ways. In my relationships I'm completely happy with one guy's body. Yes, I know everybody here in Amsterdam is doing it the other way around, but not me. Josh Yates Age: 25 Residence: Sydney, Australia Occupation: account executive Identifies as: gay Relationship status: partnered, 3 years My partner and I believe very firmly in monogamy. Sex becomes more and more meaningful as our love for each other becomes deeper. There's no substitute for sharing your body sexually with someone whom you not only love but intend to remain with long-term. As men we need to be satisfied when it comes to sex. If it's good [with] your partner, I don't see any reason to go outside the relationship in search of more. Frank Conway Age: 43 Residence: Manhattan Occupation: fund-raiser Identifies as: gay Relationship status: dating The most lasting relationships I form are with my friends, including some ex-boyfriends. I'm of the old school, where we used to meet someone cute cute adj. cut·er, cut·est 1. Delightfully pretty or dainty. 2. Obviously contrived to charm; precious: "[He] , have sex with them, then figure it out from there. I find that in New York New York, state, United States New York, Middle Atlantic state of the United States. It is bordered by Vermont, Massachusetts, Connecticut, and the Atlantic Ocean (E), New Jersey and Pennsylvania (S), Lakes Erie and Ontario and the Canadian province of there's a lot more gray area between sex and friendships. Sex is a large component in any relationship, whether with a friend or a lover. With friends it's what you talk about, what you share, the secrets you tell. Heather Jace Ago: 26 Residence: Melissa, Tex. Occupation: office manager identifies as: bisexual Relationship status: partnered, 3 years As a bisexual, I have enjoyed sexual relationships with men and women. I was married to a man for three years and was satisfied with the sex. However, something intellectual was missing. Then I fell in love with Jandy. I cannot say for sure whether that intellectual void could have been filled by another man rather than a woman; it just happened to be a woman. Our sex life is great, but I don't think sex is the most important part of any successful relationship. Mutual trust and respect and a genuine interest in the other person is important. And a good roll in the hay doesn't hurt either. |
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