Sever and saunter.

I don't know if you've got your head screwed on tight right now, but if not, you might want to pull out some eight penny nails and a claw hammer and place them in the ready position. Because after you see James Baker's recommendations for Bush's non-strategy in Iraq, you're going to want to nail your skull onto your spine before it spins off into the ether like a runaway flesh-colored balloon.

Baker's changes can be expected within the hour. As a matter of fact, look out: They're behind you. Here they come.

It is possible the result will be nothing more than another new slogan, since the phrase "stay the course" has already been replaced with the amorphous adjective "flexible." And though George Bush has yet to demonstrate he possesses the flexibility to bend down and undo the Velcro fasteners on his shoes, he has bet a large amount of his political capital on trying to sell us on his transmogrification into a limber fourteen-year-old female Olympic gymnast.

Even if actual action is called for, it's doubtful any of the Baker study group's strategic plans call for the President to step down and accept the position of greeter/shoveler at the official stables of the Arabian Horse Association, as would be my suggestion.

One of the options being bandied about is the slow withdrawal of our armed forces, known as "cut and run" when proposed by Democrats, but I'm sure Mr. Baker will trot out something a bit more circumspect like "shave and split," "slice and sprint," or "sever and saunter."

Another possibility, and this is the time to get a feel for the weight of that hammer, is being referred to as "alternatives to our effort to establish a democracy." Let me repeat that: alternatives to democracy.

Let's see, which alternatives to democracy are available for Iraqi consideration?

Communism? Unh, no. Don't think so. Too much emotional baggage. Would give a whole new slant to "red state."

A theocracy? Probably not. Although Pat Robertson and his buds might like it, not a road we want to go down. Yet.

Fascism? Doubt it. Not fair to impose the impossible burden of demanding the trains run on time onto this nascent infrastructure.

Could give a ruling monarchy a try. We seem to like it.

Another prospect is a return to tyrannical despotism. Or, as it would be known to the Iraqis, the good old days.

When you think about it, an oppressive dictatorship holds the benefit of both being familiar to the citizens and having been demonstrably successful in the area. Oh, sure, a benevolent dictator would be preferable, but it has never been historically a deal breaker for our foreign policy. Why start now?

And I know this may sound wackier than perforated condoms, but ... how 'bout Saddam?

He's tan. He's rested. He knows the territory. Not doing much right now. Still has huge name recognition. Wouldn't have to reintroduce him to the populace. Some statues must be lying around somewhere. So, reinstall a reformed Hussein and appoint someone to watch over him. Someone like Dick Cheney.

Kills three birds with one stone. Gets the Vice President and his approval rating, which is lower than anchovy milkshakes, out of Washington; provides hands-on cover for his Halliburton skimming; and allows Bush to appoint his successor for the '08 election.

Besides, if the Vice President can't instill the fear of Allah in Hussein, nobody can. And most importantly, it gives the American people someone to blame. Two someones. Two Dicks.

Comic, writer, actor, former radio show host, malevolent lurker, and Thanksgiving aficionado, Will Durst wonders if killing three birds with one stone is how we got Turduckens.