Serving up faith, family style: a survey of U.S. CATHOLIC readers finds day-to-day family life nurtures their spirituality--even when things are louder, messier, or busier than they might choose. (reader survey).

WHEN IT COMES RIGHT down to it, nothing beats family. The love, the pain, the joy, the worry, the laughter, the trouble--family s got it all. And according to 175 respondents to a reader survey on spirituality and the family, a majority of U.S. CATHOLIC readers have no trouble finding God right at home.

"Raising children is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Without God I would not be up to the task. And without my children, I would not have glimpsed God as often as I have," says Holly Wiegman of Schenectady, New York. "Jesus came to us within a family; I believe family is one of the best places to experience God."

Wiegman is not alone in those feelings. "When I watch my children with their children and feel the love and joy in my own heart, then I know that the One greater than myself has an even greater love for me and mine," says Bert Daigle of Normandy Park, Washington. "By extension, this applies to all his children everywhere."

The vast majority of respondents--83 percent--say they first learned their faith from the families they grew up in.

"Even though my parents were not particularly religious, they knew it was important to go to church and receive the sacraments--indicating that it's important to have God in your life at some level," says a New York City reader.

"I saw my parents not only forgive people who had wronged them but also saw my parents help these people," says Anne Kearney of Louisville, Kentucky.

"Praying the rosary provides comfort and peace in the most trying of times," says Christine Olsem of Luxemburg, Iowa. "My grandmother prayed the rosary so often that she wore the beads down until they broke in half. How comforting to know she was praying for me!"

Feeding spiritual hunger

Families express and nurture their spirituality in a myriad of ways at home. But from Operation Rice Bowl milk carton banks on kitchen tables during Lent to birthday cakes for the Baby Jesus at Christmas, food is at the center of a good many spiritual practices. Overwhelmingly, the most popular practice is saying grace before meals. While some offer a short prayer before digging in, others are a little more long-winded.

"After saying the traditional 'Bless us, O Lord...,'" reports Edward T. Brett of Pittsburgh, "we ask God to bless the hungry, poor, oppressed, and sick. We then ask God to give us peace with justice, sometimes specifically naming a country or region that is troubled by war." And: "Sometimes our kids jokingly add, `and please don't let our food get cold before grace is finished.'"

The dinner table also provides an opportunity for reflection. "Having an empty chair at dinner on special feasts reminds us of those in need," notes James Friedel of Olympia Fields, Illinois.

Joe Bednarski of Fountain Valley, California says his family enjoys "celebrating on the feast of the saint each member was named for."

Christmas is a favorite time to recognize and celebrate the spirit at home. Many readers use Advent wreaths to observe the season. "We have always lit the Advent wreath and read prayers for each day of Advent," says Sandra J. Carrubba of Buffalo.

Many families find power in prayer. "We save all Christmas cards, thank-you notes, and birthday cards and choose one daily to pray for the sender(s)," reports Marilyn Lariviere of Hyannis, Massachusetts. "Sometimes we call or write them to let them know it is `their' prayer day."

For others, prayer is more spur of the moment. Several readers report that when they are with their children and hear sirens, they stop what they're doing to say a prayer for the people involved.

Warts and all

For Tom Roller of Amboy, Illinois the best part of being in a family is simple: "Nothing beats the love that exists between my wife and me."

Julie Hendrick of Chester, Virginia is on the same track. "When I see the love and loyalty my three young adult children have for each other and for us, their parents, I know God is in that."

Another cherished part of being in a family is being loved and accepted for being oneself--warts and all. "I once complained to my children that I was crabby and angry," recalls Schenectady's Wiegman. "They replied with, `That's OK, Mom, we love you anyway.'"

But family members aren't always that accepting. They can be "controlling, critical, self-absorbed, and selfish," points out one reader from Falls Church, Virginia.

A common potential challenge for families occurs when one spouse is Catholic and the other is not, or when one is more active and enthusiastic about church than the other. "My husband has no interest in religion," says a Buffalo reader.

Marilee Wilde of Norwich, Ohio points out that "It is possible to marry outside the Catholic Church--just make sure you share a core set of beliefs." Still, she says that sometimes her husband's absence at worship and church-related activites can take a toll on her own spiritual life.

That particular challenge can also be a blessing, though, as evidenced by one reader's experience. "I grew up in a `mixed marriage' household and learned that no matter what garbage the nuns fed me at school, people of other faiths could also be good people with good values, and God loves them all equally."

Plenty of other tribulations in family life can make finding God difficult. Many readers point to mainstream society's consumerist lifestyle as an obstacle to a robust spirituality. "The crass commercial consumer beast we have created has a never-ending appetite and sucks the life out of our family," says Dave Melzer of Chicago.

The jam-packed schedules families keep are often a drain on spirituality, particularly when every member has his or her own busy calendar. "It's hectic just keeping up with appointments, errands, and dates," says Gerard Beaudette of Lewiston, Maine, pointing out that the pace doesn't necessarily slow on Sundays.

And then there's the obvious challenge for parents of small children trying to cultivate a deep spiritual life: "Three boys under the age of 4! This amounts to lots of activity, scheduled and otherwise, with little time leftover for solitude and quiet," says busy mom Kim Coers of Cedar Park, Texas.

There is a flipside to that, though, as T. Branco of Alexandria, Virginia has found. "In earlier years, before the children were grown and gone, I'd have said children are too time-consuming, but hindsight shows that raising them enriched my spiritual life."

Julie Thoreen-Birkedal of Mason City, Iowa says the best times include reading and singing with her children, talking about spiritual values, and looking at the Bible together. The challenging times are "when we struggle to get along and when we're trying to counter the influences of TV and other media." Still, there are lessons to be learned in the hard times. "I try to think of these struggles as just part of the path God seeks me to follow on my way toward him."

While our society typically recognizes "family" as the nuclear mom-dad-and-kids structure, our readers make it clear that their families can and do transcend those boundaries. "My family all went different directions, ergo the people I help out and serve are my `family,'" says a reader from Sunnyvale, California.

Becky Beltz of Wooster, Ohio says that, contrary to conventional wisdom, being a single adult has enriched her faith life and has allowed her to spend some "spiritual time" with her own mom. "It's been nice that she's gone back to church. She was away for a long time, and even though she doesn't fully understand or approve of changes since Vatican II, she's back."

One widowed mother from Oklahoma City struggles with the stress of single parenting. She suggests: "Instead of making single parents feel guilty that their children are not being raised in the `ideal' family, let's help them. Many single parents did not choose this road--whether due to death or divorce--and are doing their best."

The family as an institution is simply not sufficiently supported in our society, according to a substantial number of respondents. "We cannot do enough to strengthen family life today," says Father Joseph Mascioli of Morgantown, West Virginia. "The church is not getting much help from the state, public schools, the media, or the political world. The U.S. bishops must reaffirm the need to support family life."

Sister Martha Larkin of New Hartford, New York agrees. "As a church, we can and should do more to help families in their efforts to grow spiritually."

Also at issue is that frequently the home is less a center of spirituality and religion than the parish. "We have much work to do in getting our families to know and appreciate the `domestic church'--the church of the home--and to acknowledge and take responsibility for being a holy family," says Richard Stojak of Granbury, Texas.

Passing on a living faith

Seventy-eight percent of those surveyed believe parents today have a tougher time raising children than their parents did, although a few were less sure that was the case. "They have different challenges, not greater challenges," says Courtney Corda of Danville, California.

Philip Cerrato of Clifton, Virginia believes it's a bit of a mixed bag. "In some ways, yes [it's tougher], given that most families have both parents working," he says. "In other ways, no. We have a better education and understanding of children's developmental needs than our parents did."

Responses were really split over whether churches should emphasize religious education for children or parents if they had to choose. Thirty-seven percent chose parents and 35 percent opted for kids, but a surprising 26 percent of respondents wrote in that parishes really shouldn't--and couldn't--choose to educate one or the other.

"I would have to cheat and say both," admits Margaret Cook of Fullerton, California. While Cook recognizes that children need religious education, she says: "It's not right that religious education ends with Confirmation if it is to be a lived faith."

A few readers suggest some creative solutions to the parent/child education dilemma. Dannette Moynier of Price, Utah teaches religion to eighth graders. "This year I required that each parent take turns in my classroom," she says. "This has benefited me, the kids, and the parents."

Carl Pulvermacher of Madison, Wisconsin reports that his family attends a family religion class together. "It makes us as a family talk about religion. There's something about teaching your kids about God that reaffirms your own spirituality."

When it comes to which spiritual traits to pass on to their children, readers offered a wide range of suggestions.

"The challenges our children face are enormous," says Dianne O'Boyle of Bellerose Village, New York. For that reason, the message she wants to pass on is: "`Be not afraid.' It's vital they know that God is always there for them."

Deborah Briercheck of Wexford, Pennsylvania would like to share the gift of music with her 9-month-old son: "My husband and I are both musicians who find much comfort and exhilaration in music. It would be wonderful to pass that on."

Francis Abbey of Hyattsville, Maryland says he would like to give his two sons a "love for the Eucharist and scripture" -- two of the very values he learned from his own parents.

Carmen Hartono of Oakland, California says her choice would be celebration. "I'm not always successful, but I try to celebrate something daily."

Teach your parents well

Often the most gifted spiritual teachers adults have are the very ones they're aiming to teach--their own children, nieces, nephews, and grandchildren.

"I experienced pure, selfless love when my children arrived," says Connie Wohlrab of Salem, Missouri. "I was overwhelmed by the feeling of love. Then I realized that my overwhelming love toward my children was just a drop in the bucket compared to God's love for us. My children taught me God's love."

From her grandchildren, Pittsburgh's Rosemary D'Ascenzo says she's learned that "spirituality can be a relaxed, enjoyable way of life. God has a sense of humor and enjoys a good laugh. Love, goodness, and laughter can all go together."

Children also teach integrity. "It is important to `walk the talk' since our actions speak much louder than our words to our child, nieces, and nephews," says D. William O'Brien and Julie Smendznik-O'Brien of Maplewood, Minnesota. As proof, they added: "We have been `called out' a few times by our daughter--mostly concerning inappropriate language when angry or excited."

Younger generations also have the power to remind their older relatives and friends how the world continues to unfold with new possibilities and fresh outlooks. "Each one's journey will be unique," says Joan M. Bruns of Ottoville, Ohio. "None will be a straight line--nor identical to mine."

Dave Melzer of Chicago says the best thing he's learned from his kids is the wonder and awe of God's mystery. "My children have taken me on adventures and journeys to places I could never imagine. Their challenge to focus outside of my own wants and needs has helped me to see God in a completely different light."

Sue Moylan of Elgin, Illinois boils it down to one key word: "Hope. Life goes on in so many wonderful ways--ways I could never have even dreamed of."

All those lessons seem to have played a part in the life of David Beardemphl of Tacoma, Washington, whose experience makes him a bona fide expert on family spirituality. Beardemphl and his wife raised nine children, and now those children are all raising families of their own. He reports feeling blessed because he sees them all "going to church, praying together, and spiritually seeking their way to the Lord." Their secret? "We never force-fed our spirituality to our kids, and they respected us for that."

When it comes to the essence of family spirituality, perhaps Beardemphl says it best: "We want everyone to know, Jesus is alive, well, and welcome at our house."

AND THE
SURVEY SAYS ...

1. The church teaches that the
   family is the first school of the
   faith. Do you feel you learned
   your faith from your family?

agree       83%

disagree     8%

other        9%

2. If you are a parent, do you
   feel that you are handing on
   a living faith to your
   children?

agree       61%

disagree     4%

other        8%

N.A.        27%

3. What would you say are the
   biggest challenges facing
   modern families?

The most common answers, in order:

1. Too little time; too many
   individual activities

2. Materialism

3. Pop culture and media

4. Disrespect for marriage
   and family

5. Countercultural nature of
   Catholicism

6. Peer pressure/morality/substance
   abuse (tie)

4. What is your family's favorite
   religious ritual at home?

The most common answers, in order:

1. Before-meal prayers

2. Bedtime prayers

3. Advent wreath

4. Rosary

5. Nativity set

5. Parents today have a tougher time
   raising children than my parents
   did.

agree       78%

disagree    10%

other       12%

6. If I had to teach my own children
   about the Catholic faith without
   the help of Catholic schools or
   parish religious education
   programs, I'd feel up to the task.

agree       70%

disagree    21%

other        9%

7. If parishes had to choose between
   religious education for parents or
   for children, they should put their
   emphasis on ...

37%         Parents, who could then
            better educate their own
            children.

35%         Children, for the sake of
            those whose parents would
            have little to offer.

2%          Other.

26%         Both/they shouldn't have
            to choose (write-in answer).

These results are based on survey
responses from 175 U.S. CATHOLIC
readers and Web site visitors.