Self-Esteem and Beyond.

Parents often view high self-esteem as the most important gift they can give to their children. To achieve this goal, many parents provide a stream of positive, supportive messages. They fear that negative comments will inflict lasting damage. Parenting books, pediatricians, and the media all support the importance of self-esteem.

The intent is a good one. Children need strength in a sometimes inhospitable world. In schools, we can see children who have heard so much criticism that they no longer try to do anything. We know that children, like adults, can be defeated by accepting an image of themselves as inadequate. Therapists are convinced of the damage that negative messages can do to social, academic, and professional functioning. People are especially vulnerable if they enter adulthood with a poor sense of self-worth.

Children do need praise and positive feedback. Unconditional praise, however, can be useless and even destructive. Think of the child who receives praise that is independent of the quality of the work produced. Consider the impact of hearing only about successes and never about limits. Ponder the impact of children believing that they are better and more worthy than everyone else. One of my favorite cartoons shows two mothers talking:

Mother 1: Jamie got an "F" on his report card. It is going to damage his self-esteem. It will destroy his self-image!

Mother 2: Are you going to find a tutor for him so he can do better? Are you going to ground him?

Mother 1: Of course not! I'm going to sue the school!

The concept of self-esteem needs to be revisited. Hearing parents blame the teacher for poor grades will not help an underachieving child work harder to achieve future goals. Neither does it help a child to have a parent devalue another child's accomplishments. When parents devalue athletics to a child who is weaker in that area, the child is unlikely to respect the athletic achievements of others in the future. Parents need to think about the long-term impact of their unconditional praise or other comments.

The very young child builds self-esteem around self-appraisal. At first, children's self-appraisal is based mostly on feeling loved and valued by their parents. As children's cognitive complexity matures, their concept of self extends beyond self-appraisal. They see beyond the all-or-nothing stance of "loved" or "not loved." This more mature view of self includes self-perceptions, and is multidimensional.

Susan Harter (1993) has explored this more complex concept of self-perception. School-age children can understand, for example, that their social capabilities may be very different from their athletic skills. They can also differentiate among scholastic competence, behavioral conduct, and physical appearance. This more mature view of self comes from their developing mental ability. It also emerges from their experiences in the world. As children encounter the demands of school, they incorporate new information about themselves. Many adults can remember being selected last for a gym team or receiving the most time-outs in class. They also remember winning a spelling bee or being elected class president. These experiences explain why some children's self-esteem fluctuates during the early school years. By high school, most young people have a good understanding of their abilities. They know their strengths and limits on many fronts.

High self-esteem is a necessary first step towards successful adjustment. It is, however, not enough. Accurate self-appraisal is the next, equally critical, step for maturity. Our children need help in developing an accurate self-perception. Parents should try to raise children who are fundamentally satisfied with the person they are, but who also have an honest, accurate appraisal of their strengths and weaknesses. Children should be able to acknowledge their limitations. This will encourage them to work hard to improve in areas where they are less able. It will also help them respect the abilities of those who excel in areas where they themselves do not. Parents can do several things to help their children develop an accurate self-perception:

* Encourage your child to value a wide range of competencies. The early years of school present many challenges to children. On a typical day, a 2nd-grader may be asked to read out loud, complete a work sheet of arithmetic problems, learn a new song, participate in a relay race, and stand quietly in line. Depending on the child, some of these demands may be easy and others may require considerable effort. We cannot do everything with equal success. We should, instead, have a respect for a range of ability.

* Accept and acknowledge weaknesses and limitations. If the child reports that the is "terrible" in a certain activity, it is important to assess the accuracy of this belief. If it is false, the child needs to rethink this self-perception. If it is true, it is an important signal for change. Successful adults use failures and difficulties to decide where to put their energies. We should not demand perfection from our children. We need to help them make a commitment to maximize their potentials. An accurate self-perception helps children know where to devote their effort.

* Encourage children's attempts to change. Children often need our help in their efforts to change. The fearful child may need extra encouragement to make it through a visit to the dentist for the first time without incident. We may be able to ease the social activities of a shy child by orchestrating a visit by another child. It may be useful to provide extra help for a child who is struggling with long division. A child who receives the support needed to make progress will be better able to tackle challenges throughout life.

* Support children when they work hard. It is important that children make a concerted effort to do their work on their own. Many parents are tempted to help their children with homework. As it gets late in the evening, we may want to lend a hand so that the work can be completed. We know that we can do better, neater work. We believe the teacher will be impressed. Many a scout badge and 4H project has been completed with the help of an eager older sibling. We need to remember, however, that the goals for which our child worked the hardest are prized the most. When children assume responsibility for their own actions, they can best value the outcomes.

* Applaud real successes. It is good to acknowledge an "A" earned by an academically gifted child. It is much more important to acknowledge the clumsy child who has practiced faithfully and given his all to, for example, learning to dribble a soccer ball. Children know the difference between make-work and real accomplishments. As children gain mastery in real skills, they should take pride in their accomplishments. We need to celebrate their successes. Children also grow when they recognize the strengths of siblings and friends. As children accept their own strengths, they find it easier to accept and applaud those of others.

* Foster a respect for others who excel in different areas. We all need people whose skills and abilities differ from our own. I cannot fix my car, but my career depends on its safe and reliable functioning. I cannot carry a tune, but I receive joy from musicians who perform with seeming ease and effortlessness. The skills of others enrich our lives in many areas. We should not devalue the areas where our children do not perform well. To do so is to devalue the skills of children who are different and who excel in those areas. Good self-esteem does not depend on others being "not good."

Our goals for our children need to go beyond self-esteem. The wonder of children lies in their special pattern of skills and potentials. Children thrive with a good and honest appreciation of their own abilities and from a drive to make the best of them. Children need to take on responsibility for developing their own excellence. This includes a commitment to action, and a willingness to appreciate and acknowledge the strengths of others.

References

Harter, S. (1993). Developmental changes in self-understanding across the 5 to 7 shift. In A. Sameroff & M. Haith (Eds.), Reason and responsibility: The passage through childhood (pp. 207-236). Chicago: University of Chicago Press.