Sect, sells--more opium of the people: sects, sub sects, schisms and cults are all part of the holy nursing family. The Te Henga Section of the Nurses' Marxist Union provides a brief guide to some of the more influential groups.

The last column attracted a huge religious response. The Te Henga Section of the Nurses' Marxist Union is used to adulation from an adoring public--well, actually, Louise's Mum and Nick's new girlfriend are usually sort of supportive. But we are now obliged to respond to a widespread call for a more faith-based agenda. We are nothing if not responsive. This goes along with our ingrained courtesy, kindness and a love of humanity and small fluffy animals. So there goes our nursing career pathway prospects down the toilet.

However, this month we lift the lid on some of the religious groups involved in nursing. Yes, they walk amongst us.

Remember, all of this is research referenced and evidence based, so include it in your PDRP Portfolios and your assignment reference lists with our blessing.

The Cult of Desiccation 

This is the major religious movement in Nursing at the moment. It is a shadowy movement, but members of the Cult recognise each other by secret signs--no smiling, no laughter, no jokes. The aim of the Cult is to reach the very essence of Nursing through dryness. Advanced Practitioners will routinely tell novices that they are not here to enjoy themselves.

Cult adherents are often found in policy-making groups. In fact, our sources tell us that policies are the chief instrument by which the Cult of Desiccation hopes to achieve its aims. This does make a lot of sense when you think about it. Cult members glory in the construction of policies so dense and so comprehensive that they oblige Nurses to forget everything but what policy, for example, applies to nose picking, and what finger should be used for which nostril.

Sainthood is conferred in this Cult on members who can construct Policies that contradict each other, and Advanced Sainthood is assured to those who construct a policy which contradicts itself in the same policy documents.

The Cult of Desiccation achieved its greatest triumph with the construction of our present Nursing educational system. Here, Nursing students found themselves excluded from Clinical Team membership and meaningful clinical experiences, indebted and exposed to meaningless educational approaches in which they often have no interest and no use for in their nursing lives. This is the Cult's lasting legacy. But wait, there's more.

Ever wondered why lecturers are so dry and boring? Not only do students fall asleep because they've been working the night shift at the call centre, these lectures are often delivered by paid up Cultists. Here is a perfect symmetry that we can only admire.

The Cult of Desiccation has been phenomenally successful so far in its aim of draining nursing of all the juices of happiness, joy and delight.

The Self Sacrificing Sect

This is an older religious group and still exerts a powerful influence. We recognise sect members especially during wage rounds. You will recognise these sectists when they express their surprise that Nurses may actually want a little more money. Sect members refer constantly to the "Pay Jolt" and become concerned that appropriate gratitude is not more obvious from unworthy recipients.

A great and defining moment occurred during a recent strike when a Nurse academic made the point in a radio interview that to be a Nurse was a privilege. Of course, this is in complete accordance with the bed-rock principle and main aim of the Self Sacrificers. That is, Nurses should really be paying their employers to be allowed to come to work.

You will find Self Sacrificers throughout nursing, but they are most recognisable during pay negotiations when they sit on the employers' side of the table.

Self Sacrificers do have a lot in common with the Cult of Desiccation, but severe doctrinal differences prevent a completely ecumenical approach. However, they agree on one point: the system is never wrong--given a choice, it is always the Nurse--never the system [!] that will be at fault.

The Project Prophecy

This movement has a lot in common with the Sanctifiers of the Silver Bullet. In short, believers hold to the idea that one big idea will solve all the problems afflicting Nursing and lead us into a brave and lovely new World full of fulfilled potentials and smug satisfactions.

A clue that the Projecteers are involved in any initiative is the use of the phrase "paradigm shift". Projecteers believe that one big strategy will "do it".

In education (education is a fermenting distillery of Religiosity) this big idea started with the proposal that tertiary education would "do it". Then it had to be baccalaureate preparation that could "do it". Then it had to be a Masters Degree that would "do it", and so on, endlessly. There are sub sects and schisms of the prophecy such as the Measurement Mania and the Outcomes Rapture which believe if only we can quantify the world, this will "do it".

The Projecteers capture Ministry of Health initiatives from time to time. Signs of capture include "projects" or "initiatives" that flare briefly and expensively in the Nursing firmament and then fizzle and quietly die, exposed to the tests of the real world.

There are many more churches, chapels, sects and cults in the Nursing world. Even in a secular society, it does behove us to know more about them, don't you think?

Chris Cottingham, RN, BA, MEd, DipSocSci, PGDip (Hlth Sci), is a staff nurse working for a district health board which prefers not to be identified. In his spare time, he writes a bi-monthly column of alternative (sometimes amusing or irreverent but always challenging) musings on our profession.