Secret to serenity: understanding codependency.

Her headaches and dizziness are a result of the blood not circulating properly to the left side of the brain, but I can't find any physiological causes for it." The neurosurgeon removed his black-framed glasses and looked squarely into my mother's face.

"Are you trying to tell me that my daughter's problems are psychosomatic?" Mom began, fidgeting and turning her guilt-ridden face away from his piercing gaze. "I believe she is stressed out," he replied.

The doctor was on the right track, but not much was known back then about my true illness, codependency. To a codependent, stress becomes second nature to their way of life. At age 11 I was already suffering from the effects of it.

I was the first of three sisters born into an alcoholic home. My mom's compulsive drinking and associated behavior patterns were responsible for our unhappy home life, the breakup of her two marriages, and my and my sister's near nervous breakdowns.

As the oldest, I became the "caretaker."

Definitions. Originally codependency was a term used to describe the habitual, harmful behaviors that develop in persons affected by an alcoholic's addictive behavior.

Today it is better understood that codependent behaviors can be formed as a result of any dysfunctional relationship or upbringing. As Carol Cannon, author of Never Good Enough, states, "It is caused by deprivation, abuse, or lack of nurturance in childhood."

I was like Sandra, who also became a habitual caretaker as a result of being raised by two alcoholic parents. As a child she was forced to lay aside her own needs and be responsible for her siblings and their home while her parents bounded between stages of drunken stupors, hangovers, and withdrawals.

As an adult she became compelled to anticipate others' needs and take care of them. She felt depressed, empty, and worthless if there was not a crisis to be solved or someone to be helped. Her friends called her a "true Christian," but in reality, Sandra felt angry, victimized, and used because her advice was unaccepted, her involvement unappreciated, and her own needs since childhood still unmet.

Derek, on the other hand, developed compulsive "controlling" behaviors as a result of his father's constant rage when Derek was young. He became afraid to trust anyone. He tried to manipulate everyone and every event around him because of fear of losing control of his environment. He would not allow his wife, Ginger, to be herself or pursue her own interests. He used helplessness, guilt, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, and especially domination to keep her under his control.

Codependency symptoms. Codependency has many identifiable symptoms, but because one of the main symptoms is to focus on fixing or controlling others instead of facing internal pain, many never recognize their disease. Its symptoms may include any of the following: stress, depression, anxiety, nervousness, irritability, loss of self-esteem, fear, dependence (the inability to be independent), broken families and relationships, entrapment in families and relationships that don't work, isolation, emotional pain or emotional numbness, chronic illness, physical pain or weakness, or even suicidal fantasies.

Dr. Frank Minirth of the Minirth-Meier Clinic says, "All families are somewhat codependent or dysfunctional. That's natural, since none of us are perfect. All of our parents have made some mistakes and passed some of their pain on to us, and we'll pass some of that pain on to our own children." Sometimes that pain is severe and the accompanying dysfunctional behaviors very overt, but the pain may also be minor and the dysfuntionalism nothing extraordinary at all.

Judy remembered how her dad used to verbally abuse her mother. When she married, her own husband battered her verbally. Whenever anything went wrong, Judy had to accept the blame. Even her children walked all over her. Judy suffered frequent bouts of depression and anxiety, accompanied by migraine headaches. She wished good things would happen to her, but didn't believe it possible.

Deep roots. Why does codependency exist? If emotional deprivation and loss in childhood keeps the cycle of codependency rolling forward into every new generation, and if we could roll that cycle backward to the beginning of time, then we would find there the birth of codependent existence in the fall of Adam and Eve. When they disobeyed God, the way they related to one another became imperfect, dysfunctional. And in their damaged relationship with God they sought to cover up their problem much the way families still do today, instead of being honest and seeking a resolution.

Codependency is the harmful way we react to trouble. So how do we combat it and keep codependent behaviors from seriously impacting our lives and our next generation?

I hit bottom. As my painful adolescent years lapsed, I continued to stuff my feelings while Mom's addiction continued to play havoc on us. Her second marriage crumbled, leaving us abandoned and penniless.

Although Mom worked, she was very unstable and feared another abandonment. She began smothering me with control tactics and tried to cut me off from other relationships, particularly with men. However, in spite of her, I met and married my "knight in shining armor." He was going to rescue this damsel in distress and make our lives happy ever after. It didn't take long, however, for me to discover that this "knight" was not going to be the saving prince I thought he'd be. I had entangled myself with another alcoholic! As the incarcerating addiction overcame him, violence broke out in our home, and my every dream of hope and happiness drowned in the cesspool of debasing liquor.

I felt trapped, needy, and dependent. The old stress signals came back to haunt me, and this time they brought with them a companion--anxiety attacks. More than once I had to be rushed to the hospital for chest pains accompanied by heart palpitations and shortness of breath.

I knew I couldn't go on like this. I needed out, and I knew no other way but to resort to old codependent coping strategies--look for another rescuer. This time I found someone who was not an addict and married him. That was when I hit bottom. Even with the absence of chemicals, I still suffered relationship problems. I was depressed all the time, declining mentally, spiritually, and physically. My anxiety attacks graduated into stomach ulcers. The doctor told me I would end up in the hospital with a blood transfusion if I didn't work out my stress issues.

Recovery. With no where else to turn, I sought God. I spent long nights in deep contrition as I fought my way through to some kind of understanding.

Eventually a wonderful book entitled Codependent No More, by Melody Beatty (Harper and Row Publishers, 1987), was presented to me. The author described codependency and its effects--my effects! As I read I saw my whole life unfold, page after page--like a rosebud that slowly opens its outer petals one by one, until the innermost part of the flower is uncovered. For the first time I understood my codependency, the self-destructive pattern I was repeating, and more important, how to break that pattern. I learned too that God was with me all along, but that He would not interfere with my freedom of choice. That was when I made my choice to enter a 12-step recovery program. With God at the center of it, I found new strength to overcome the destructive force of codependency.

Today I am a much happier person. I have a family that is stabilizing and no more medical problems related to stress.

All the codependents mentioned in this article found healing and change in a 12-step program. And through the support of others in the program, Sandra learned to stop neglecting her needs. Ginger learned to stand up for herself, which helped Derek to see himself as a controller. Now he is learning to love in a healthier, non-controlling way. Judy learned to stop reacting to her husband's verbal abuse and started taking action for herself. She set boundaries against the abuse she will no longer accept and hopes her children will learn by her example.

Recovering codependents can tell you the secret to serenity in a codependent world. It's knowing how not to "react," but to "act"; it is knowing when to "let go and let God" take the lead.