Second thoughts about cloning humans.

Scientists announced last February that they had cloned the first large adult mammal. Despite President Clinton's immediate response that no federal funds will be used for research on human cloning (because, in his words, "human life is unique, born of a miracle," a "profound gift," and all that), human cloning is surely inevitable. This means we're forced to face some new and serious questions.

For example, since cloning will be expensive initially, won't only rich people be cloned? Will Donald Trump be cloned in the womb by hundreds of women who need the money? Is it possible that a century from now there will be entire cities of Perots and Forbeses?

If not, won't clones still be considered status symbols, displayed at cocktail parties and on the cover of InStyle magazine? Or will the replication of the rich simply dilute their wealth?

Will a black market arise, from which the poor can get back-alley clones?

Will actually being a clone thereafter carry a certain elan? Or will it be more declasse, like owning a print of an oil painting instead of the original?

Once cloning can begin in utero, how will we tell clones from originals? Dental records? Tattoos? Certificates of authenticity that are carried along with drivers' licenses?

Will clones be subconsciously considered disposable? Will killing a clone carry less of a stigma than murdering the original?

How long until some rich individual creates lobotomized "spares" to replace his or her own aging human body parts? Will wealthy parents hire surrogates and have their children in batches of four or five so there are "extras" if one gets hit by a car?

What social security numbers do clones get? Do we just add a letter to the donor's number, starting with A for the first clone, B for the second, and so on?

Since most replicants will be born into wealth, will we see outbreaks of envious blue-collar clone-bashing? Will clones, like other oppressed groups, develop a system of nonverbal behaviors--such as wearing lapel pins shaped like rubber stamps--to signify their status? Will clones develop a national support network (ACNE: Adult Children of Nobody, Exactly)?

In school, will clones be allowed to copy on exams?

Since only a small percentage of cloned zygotes survive the process, how long until pro-lifers begin bombing chemistry labs?

Since DNA can be furtively collected from such things as used facial tissues, how long until someone is cloned against her or his will? Will it be a crime? With what punishment? Who gets custody of the clone?

Will professional sports have strict anti-cloning rules? If not, how much will Michael Jordan's toenail clippings be worth?

Will cloning a second set of kids become a custody option in divorce proceedings? If someone who has been cloned dies without a will, who gets the stuff? The family or the clone?

If a clone has deja vu, how can he or she tell?

If one accepts the Catholic notion of new soul at conception, when exactly does a clone's soul form? If without conception there's no new soul, does the clone timeshare with the original? What happens if the donor is saved and the replicant isn't? If clones have no soul, can they sing soul music convincingly?

Since DNA can be recovered from the dead, what's the status of the clone's soul then? Since clones can be born to a virgin mother, would they therefore be holy?

How long until someone attempts to validate the Shroud of Turin by scraping off some DNA, raising the kid, and seeing if he can transform water into wine? If a Jesus clone goes to church, will he sit in the audience or onstage? When the clone starts advocating humility, pacifism, and aid to the needy, how long until he is crucified?

Since DNA evidence will become all but meaningless, what will attorney Barry Scheck do for a living?

If a woman has a menage a trois with her husband and his clone, has she violated her wedding vows? Is a child sired by the clone illegitimate?

Masturbation isn't generally considered a crime. How about touching your clone in a sexually arousing way?

And how long until cloning is outlawed by male-dominated legislatures--just as soon as the men realize that women no longer need them?

Bob Harris is a political writer and humorist who has spoken at over 275 colleges nationwide. His e-mail address is thescoop earthlink.net. His writings are archived at www.goodthink.com. To hear his column in RealAudio, visit www.webactive. com/webactive/yeah/monday.html.