Scary Monsters.

One Halloween, a friend, using a simple cardboard refrigerator box, some Styrofoam, and poster paint, transformed himself into a meticulously rendered container of McDonald's fries. I saw him at a party with his date, a life-sized Chicken McNugget. Talk about Happy Meals. It was impressive.

I generally have big ideas about my costume--Bill Bradley's wattles! Soft money!--but have neither the technical prowess nor the time to realize my visions. This year, despite my best millennial resolutions, I'll probably just buy a mask.

There's lots of scary ones to choose from. Help me pick one out. Better yet, I'll show it to you, and you'll have to match the mask with the person. Answers at the end.

1. The pale, rubberized cheeks and jowls seem weighed down by BBs of gravitas, though the sneering arch in the upper lip is unaffected. What a pantload! He is number two. As fries go with McNuggets, this mask goes with his wife's Lon Cheney mask.

2. One of the great features of this Olympic commentator's mask is that the hair changes color to match the mood of the night--chlorine green and crew ecru. The lidless eye job is also spooky. Wear it and you, too, can be smug, priggish, and boosterish. Plus, you'll be up all night!

3. Actual likeness of the head of the Christian Coalition or best-of-show Shar-pei? It'll fool your friends for days.

4. I'm warning you, don't even go down that aisle. Put this on and one minute you're just trying to download some pretty harmless nuclear jokes--"Is that plutonium in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?"--and the next minute you are in the slammer, solitary, nine months. Contrary to FBI reports, the mask does not glow in the dark.

5. Gray hair matches slabs of gray skin on this mask. Liable to suppress a province if not voted best costume. Wear it and you'll demand a recount. Wife mask with high black bouffant sold separately.

6. Like the Tobacco Executive mask of a few years back that blew smoke rings but never coughed, this seasons model comes with a rubber nose that blows off at certain speeds and causes you to tip over and dump all your candy on the pavement.

7. Buy one if you must, but, my advice, don't wear it north of Poughkeepsie. I just returned from visiting my Dad in upstate New York and it is LazioLand up there. I didn't even dare a late night sign removal trick.

8. Don't let the blonde hair and tan on this mask fool you. No beach bunny here. Put it on and you'll develop an unnatural fondness for big rigs and start saying things to your best friend like, "There are rats, and there are snakes, and you're a rat." And, "If you were dying of thirst, I'd step right over you." Then you'll want a hug from her. Soon you'll be co-hosting with Regis and being deferential to George W. [stands for wealth and war] Bush.

9. Wear this mask with a darling red sweatshirt. It complements the white hair. But be careful: As the Halloween party wears on, the infrared coils in the cheeks begin to heat up and veins begin to bulge in the temples. You'll want to choke people, spit expletives in their face, and throw chairs.

10. This mask is topped with a meringue of white hair. The pearls are a nice touch, but fiery blue eyes shoot lasers at unsuspecting interrogators. When someone near says that in the Presidential race George W. lowers the bar, you'll take it personally, start mumbling, and strike like a cornered mama bear.

OK, so how did you do?

Answers: 1. The Dick Cheney 2. The Bob Costas 3. The Pat Robertson 4. The Wen Ho Lee 5. The Slobodan Milosevic 6. The Ford/Firestone Executive 7. The Hillary Clinton 7. The Pat Robertson 8. The Survivor Sue 9. The Bobby Knight 10. The Barbara Bush.

Happy Halloween!

Kate "I'm registered to vote" Clinton is a humorist. This column is supported by a grant from the Purple Moon Foundation.