SWEPT OFF HIS FEET.

Thirty Days on Retreat with the Exercises of Saint Ignatius
Paul Mariani
Viking Compass, $23.95, 279 pp.

I got up and rushed to the window, prying open the outer aluminum storm window, and greedily sucked in all the air I could. It took ten or fifteen minutes to steady myself, and when the panic began to subside, I went down to chapel to pray and recover some vestige of peace." Is this man a drama king, wannabe mystic, or the real deal--a saint in the making? Paul Mariani, award-winning poet and biographer of, among others, William Carlos Williams and Gerard Manley Hopkins, invites us to accompany him on his daily experience of an Ignatian thirty-day retreat.

Mariani comes to the "Long Retreat" no stranger to suffering or Ignatian spirituality. He has already made six eight-day retreats; the most memorable of these was in 1984, when he was wrestling with his marital infidelity. Now, grateful for his renewed marriage commitment, he still wonders, "Can God heal all this?" No heavy decisions hang in the balance; his aim on this month-long retreat is more fundamental--how to live more fully "for the greater glory of God." But memories of his painful past linger as he recognizes his own fragility and capacity for evil. He does a masterful job taking us inside his own struggle for faith and reconciliation. It's easy to get swept up in the anxieties and epiphanies that ultimately lead to Mariani's renewed discovery of the gospel's freedom and joy.

This spiritual diary follows the four-week structure of Ignatius's classic work, the Spiritual Exercises. A retreatant gradually progresses through Ignatius's spiritual course, moving to new material only after the graces of the previous stages have been received. The first week presents Ignatius's Principle and Foundation: "we are created to praise, reverence and serve God our Lord, and by means of doing this to save our souls." Here the retreatant confronts his or her own sin and failure to respond to God's creating and saving love. Week two focuses on companionship with Christ: Inspired by his humility and poverty, one makes a personal commitment to discipleship. The third week deepens this commitment through meditations on Christ's passion and the cost of discipleship, while the fourth focuses on the Resurrection of Jesus and the rewards of discipleship.

Mariani leads us into the general rhythm of the retreat day--set meal times, meeting with a spiritual director, several hours of prayer and reflection interspersed throughout the day, and evening Mass with other "Thirty-Dayers" and "Eight-Dayers," who range from Jesuit novices to retired school teachers. Mariani's director, the Jesuit John J. Bresnahan, spent nearly forty years doing retreat work in Jamaica. His nickname, "JJ," fits with the loose, seventies feel of Gonzaga Retreat House in Gloucester, Massachusetts. Mindful of Ignatius's desire to "permit the creator to deal directly with the creature, and the creature directly with his creator and Lord," JJ tries not to get in the way. Mariani does most of the talking--thinking out loud, reading from his journal--while JJ listens, suggests scriptural passages for prayer, and encourages him to notice certain patterns of consolation and desolation.

Mariani's emotional and dramatic temperament is well suited to the imaginative and affective dimensions of Ignatian prayer. He is frequently moved to tears at Mass, prays regularly in the middle of the night, and easily envisions Gospel scenes where he stands among the characters, ready to be surprised. Mariani takes us into his prayer, instead of telling us about it. He takes us with him as he moves "from a skewed, self-centered vision" to one that notices the sacramental realities of ordinary life. "One thing a retreat does is force you to see with a new kind of clarity, without the scrim of our daily preoccupations. It rinses the soul, prayer does." His life rises to a new significance as he rereads his own history through the lens of Scripture. He recalls Hopkins's observation: "What you look hard at"--especially the Word of God--"looks back hard at you."

Although this is Mariani's retreat, many readers will find a personal resonance. While at times Mariani seems to share everything with us, and his poetic phrasing can be forced, his endearing authenticity and vulnerability are striking. He struggles with boredom, lust, self-doubt, lack of faith, and shame. He arrives finally at moments of peace, compassion, and sheer gratitude for a graced life.

However, the book's strengths are also its weaknesses. How much of the retreat itself is compromised by Mariani's unrelenting self-exposure? Such raw details engage the reader, but also raise questions about whether he invades the intimacy of a retreat experience. He began the retreat with a book contract already signed. Isn't there an obstacle in undertaking the retreat with such self-consciousness?

Mariani's affection for the Jesuits is genuine but can get starry-eyed. The book is dedicated to his Jesuit son, Paul, and to the Jesuit order. Reading about eighteenth-century East Asian Jesuit martyrs, he marvels at their "superhuman bravery" and the urgency of their mission. While this heroism remains today and inspires awe, Mariani takes matters too far by suggesting that this grand history has continued uninterruptedly. Hasn't there been any slippage along the way? Not for Mariani: "What a group!...the great work goes on, year in and year out." His praise becomes somewhat comical when he compares William Leahy, Jesuit president of Boston College, to "U.S. Grant, intent on taking Richmond."

At a time when many Jesuit institutions struggle to pass on the Ignatian heritage to their increasingly lay partners, Mariani offers an accessible, compelling window into Ignatian prayer. He dispels any misconceptions that the Exercises are hopelessly antiquated, or intended only for spiritual overachievers. He takes the sometimes dry and distant words of the Exercises, and gives them flesh and spirit.

Deborah Wallace Ruddy is assistant professor of Catholic Studies and director of the Catholic Social Teaching and Education Program at the University of Saint Thomas in Saint Paul, Minnesota.