SWEEPS APNEA TV NETWORKS WANT YOU TO HOLD YOUR BREATH WAITING FOR THESE SEASON-ENDING STUNTS.Byline: David Kronke Television Writer Memo to networks planning sweeps events: If you really want people talking about your May sweeps specials, movies, casting stunts and season finales, simply announce that you've opted not to broadcast them out of ``sensitivity to current world events.'' It worked for Madonna. Who outside of her fans and a breathless ``Access Hollywood'' or Entertainment Weekly reporter would've known or cared about her latest video until she censored it herself? Now, thanks to her savvy media manipulation, we all know it contained a scene of a George W. Bush look-alike lighting a cigar with a fake grenade. If you pretend to show sensitivity and restraint, more people will be aware of your programming than would otherwise! And besides, a lot of stuff doesn't belong on the air - sweeps or no - anyway. Until the networks take this sage advice, here's a select overview of sweeps, which runs from Thursday through May 21. THURSDAY ``Michael Jackson's Private Home Movies'' (Fox, 8 p.m.): Since it worked so well during February sweeps, Fox returns to burrow at the freak trough. ``Sabrina, the Teenage Witch'' (WB, 8 p.m.): No longer a teen for longer than we can remember, Sabrina (Melissa Joan Hart Melissa Joan Hart (born April 18 1976) is an American actress who is best known for playing the title roles in two successful television series, Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. ) bids her series adieu by preparing for her wedding in the Bermuda Triangle. ``CSI CSI Crime Scene Investigator CSI CompuServe, Inc. CSI Commodity Systems, Inc. CSI Commodity Systems Inc. (Boca Raton, FL) CSI Crime Scene Investigation (CBS TV show) CSI Christian Schools International : Crime Scene Investigation'' (CBS (Cell Broadcast Service) See cell broadcast. , 9 p.m.): Tonight's episode, about comics getting killed instead of killing, features low-rent stunt-casting: Bobcat Goldthwait, among others. In May 15's season finale, a regular cast member gets offed. ``Will & Grace'' (NBC NBC in full National Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. commercial broadcasting company. It was formed in 1926 by RCA Corp., General Electric Co. (GE), and Westinghouse and was the first U.S. company to operate a broadcast network. , 9:05 p.m.): Madonna may have put the kibosh ki·bosh n. Informal A checking or restraining element: had to put the kibosh on a poorly conceived plan. [Origin unknown. on her video, but not on her guest appearance as Karen's (Megan Mullally) new best bosom buddy. A clip show recalling the sitcom's stunt-casting follows. SATURDAY ``Touched by an Angel''(CBS, 8 p.m.; also 8 p.m. Sunday): The series goes to TV heaven as Monica (Roma Downey) seeks a promotion (we thought her company's CEO's gig was spoken for). Carol Burnett, Patty Duke and Randy Travis guest star. SUNDAY ``Eloise at the Plaza''(ABC's ``Wonderful World of Disney,'' 7 p.m.): The kid-lit fave fave Informal n. One that is preferred above others or likely to win; a favorite. adj. Favorite. [Short for favorite.] comes to life with Julie Andrews as Eloise's nanny. ``A Painted House''(CBS' ``Hallmark Hall of Fame,'' 9 p.m.): John Grisham's sort-of-autobiographical best seller about hardscrabble hard·scrab·ble adj. Earning a bare subsistence, as on the land; marginal: the sharecropper's hardscrabble life. n. Barren or marginal farmland. Adj. 1. Arkansas cotton farmers picks, as stars, Robert Sean Leonard, Scott Glenn and Melinda Dillon. MONDAY ``ABC's 50th Anniversary Blooper Celebration'' (ABC ABC in full American Broadcasting Co. Major U.S. television network. It began when the expanding national radio network NBC split into the separate Red and Blue networks in 1928. , 8 p.m.): Since the network is struggling, what more appropriate way to commemorate its golden anniversary than to examine a lot of its series' mistakes? (Another installment May 5.) ``Boston Public'' (Fox, 8 p.m.): Last year's ``American Idol'' dazzler Tamyra Gray continues her typecasting The word typecasting (past participle typecast) can mean more than one thing:
``Mr. Personality'' (Fox, 9 p.m.): Host Monica Lewinsky dissuades the young woman seeking a mate from wearing a blue Gap dress as she dates doltish dolt n. A stupid person; a dunce. [Middle English dulte, from past participle of dullen, to dull, from dul, dull; see dull. , masked hopefuls; the conclusion is May 19. MAY 4 ``Lucy''(CBS, 8 p.m.): Biopic bi·o·pic n. A film or television biography, often with fictionalized episodes. biopic Noun Informal a film based on the life of a famous person [bio(graphical) + pic(ture)] about TV's most celebrated comedienne. ``Tim Allen Presents: A User's Guide to 'Home Improvement' '' (ABC, 8 p.m.): Reunion shows are so 2002; still, here's one for ABC's popular sitcom, one they're hoping will be so swell audiences will also tune in to the May 17 rerun re·run n. The act or an instance of rebroadcasting a recorded movie or a recorded television performance. tr.v. re·ran , re·run, re·run·ning, re·runs To present a rerun of. . MAY 5 ``The Practice''(ABC, 9 p.m.): The network nearly killed its Emmy winner by sagely moving it to Mondays; herewith here·with adv. 1. Along with this. 2. By this means; hereby. herewith Adverb Formal together with this: , the emotional repercussions repercussions npl → répercussions fpl repercussions npl → Auswirkungen pl in the two-hour season finale: Lindsay (Kelli Williams) threatens to divorce Bobby (Dylan McDermott) for, if not lower ratings, then for having an affair. There's legal stuff, too. MAY 6 ``Platinum'' (UPN UPN User Principal Name (Microsoft Windows 2000) UPN United Paramount Network UPN Unión del Pueblo Navarro (Navarrese People Union) UPN Umgekehrte Polnische Notation , 9 p.m.): The critically admired rap-music drama enlists soul singer Brian McKnight to play - surprise! - a soul singer. In May 13's season finale, the label, again, struggles for survival. MAY 7 ``Enterprise''(UPN, 8 p.m.): Though the Borg, those wildly popular interstellar in·ter·stel·lar adj. Between or among the stars: interstellar gases. interstellar Adjective between or among stars Adj. 1. villains, appear nowhere in the original ``Star Trek'' series, they pop up here, in a show that takes place before the original series. In May 21's season finale, the whole mythology is beset, yet again, by forces that threaten to redefine everything on the show. In other words Adv. 1. in other words - otherwise stated; "in other words, we are broke" put differently , they'll get it right eventually. MAY 8 ``The First Annual Miss Dog Beauty Pageant'' (Fox, 8 p.m.): Fox reality shows revel in humiliating bitches; here, they do so literally. Miss Congeniality will no doubt be the dog most enamored en·am·or tr.v. en·am·ored, en·am·or·ing, en·am·ors To inspire with love; captivate: was enamored of the beautiful dancer; were enamored with the charming island. of the judges' legs. ``Without a Trace''(CBS, 10 p.m.): A hostage crisis gets Poppy Montgomery's Samantha critically shot; her fate is revealed in the May 15 season finale. ``ER''(NBC, 10 p.m.): Episode 200 finds Dr. Carter (Noah Wyle) celebrating by dealing with cult members who have poisoned themselves. For the May 15 season finale, Carter treks to Africa to help victims of the Congo's civil war. MAY 10 ``The District''(CBS, 9 p.m.): The character played by Lynne Thigpen, who died suddenly in March, is eulogized. MAY 11 ``E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial'' (ABC, 7 p.m.): See guns transformed awkwardly into walkie-talkies in this revised version of Steven Spielberg's '83 masterpiece. ``Survivor: The Amazon'' (CBS, 8 p.m.): The latest future Trivial Pursuit answer is crowned, followed by the requisite ``reunion'' show. MAY 12 ``Behind the Camera: The Unauthorized Story of 'Three's Company' ''(NBC, 9 p.m.): Former sitcom star Joyce DeWitt offers her gauzy take on how her cheesy cheesy (che´ze) caseous. ABC sitcom became such a phenomenon that NBC did a TV movie on it 20 years later. ``The Diary of Ellen Rimbauer'' (ABC, 9 p.m.): Just one of the reasons ABC became the fourth-place network: By scheduling teleflicks that were prequels of miniseries that not a lot of people watched in the first place, here essaying spooky dealings presaging ``Stephen King's Red Rose.'' MAY 13 ``Gilmore Girls''(WB, 8 p.m.): Spinoff alert: Jess (Milo Ventimiglia) leaves town to find his estranged es·trange tr.v. es·tranged, es·trang·ing, es·trang·es 1. To make hostile, unsympathetic, or indifferent; alienate. 2. To remove from an accustomed place or set of associations. dad in Venice, Calif. This will likely serve as the basis of a new WB series next season. Next week, Rory (Alexis Bledel) graduates, and Lorelai (Lauren Graham) frets even more than usual, in the season finale. ``Smallville''(WB, 9 p.m.): Things will just never work out for Clark (Tom Welling): Just as he's about to score with Lana (Kristin Kreuk), his secret is revealed; next week in the season finale, Chloe (Allison Mack) may betray him. ``NYPD NYPD New York City Police Department (since 1845; New York City, NY, USA) NYPD New York Play Development Blue''(ABC, 10 p.m.): Kim Delaney returns after getting canceled in ``Philly'' and bounced from ``CSI: Miami.'' In the May 20 season finale, Sipowicz's wedding plans are scotched, and not by his love of Scotch. MAY 14 ``Dawson's Creek'' (WB, 8 p.m.): The series concludes, revealing the fates of our erstwhile teens. Hint: Dawson equals series creator Kevin Williamson, but only to a certain extent. And don't get us started on Katie Holmes' Joey. ``George Lopez'' (ABC, 8:30 p.m.): Concluding the season-long story arc, George meets his biological father. MAY 15 ``Friends'' (NBC, 8 p.m.): The gang heads to Barbados for myriad romantic complications - Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) is hot for Joey (Matt LeBlanc), who's busy competing against Ross (David Schwimmer) for the attentions of that most common of species, the sexy paleontologist (Aisha Tyler), while Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) is likewise torn between two lovers. Fortunately, they have 75 minutes to sort all this out. The ``Will & Grace'' crew heads out on the high seas high seas In maritime law, the waters lying outside the territorial waters of any and all states. In the Middle Ages, a number of maritime states asserted sovereignty over large portions of the high seas. in their season closer tonight, as well. MAY 16 ``30th Annual Daytime Emmy Awards'' (ABC, 8 p.m.): Wayne Brady hosts; you'll be amazed such mediocrity gets trophies. ``Celebrity Look-Alike Dating'' (WB, 8 p.m.): Common folks date people who aren't celebrities but play them on TV. Then the poor commoners are humiliated when they discover the truth. MAY 18 ``King of the Hill'' (Fox, 7 p.m.): An hourlong special prefaces the series' 150th episode (and season finale), in which Bobby explores black magic. ``The Simpsons'' (Fox, 8 p.m.): Bart joins a dubious club, then Maggie has a dubious baby sitter in the season finale. ``Malcolm in the Middle'' (Fox, 9 p.m.): Lois delivers the family's fifth baby - and her family delivers the laughs - in an hourlong season finale. ``Hitler: The Rise of Evil'' (CBS, 9 p.m.): The pointlessly controversial miniseries (c'mon, now, a show of hands a raising of hands to indicate judgment; as, the vote was taken by a show of hands. See also: Show : Who actually thought CBS would air a pro-Hitler miniseries?) examines Adolf's rise to power. Robert Carlyle stars; concludes May 20. ``The Bachelor'' (ABC, 9 p.m.): Andrew Firestone proffers a ring to an ostensibly lucky lady. America swoons momentarily, then gets on with its life. MAY 19 ``Martha Inc.'' (NBC, 9 p.m.): Martha Stewart cuts the cheesecake and scandalizes a nation. Cybill Shepherd is given an opportunity to chew scenery and chew up and spit out her hired help. ``ABC's 50th Anniversary Celebration'' (ABC, 8 p.m.): The beleaguered be·lea·guer tr.v. be·lea·guered, be·lea·guer·ing, be·lea·guers 1. To harass; beset: We are beleaguered by problems. 2. To surround with troops; besiege. network celebrates its past, lightly, as old stars are exhumed Exhumed may refer to:
``Everybody Loves Raymond'' (CBS, 9 p.m.): Despite vociferous family in-fighting, Robert (Brad Garrett) finally marries Amy (Monica Horan) in the 45-minute-long season finale. ``Everwood'' (WB, 9 p.m.): The romantic triangle of Ephram (Gregory Smith), Amy (Emily Van Camp) and Colin (Mike Erwin) gets even more complicated in the season finale. ``Girlfriends'' (UPN, 9 p.m.): Toni's (Jill Jones) wedding day is greeted with the usual sitcom mayhem. Isaac Hayes guests. MAY 20 ``Buffy the Vampire Slayer'' (UPN, 8 p.m.): Buffy (Sarah Michelle Gellar Sarah Michelle Gellar (born April 14, 1977) is an American actress. She is perhaps best known for her role as the fictional character Buffy Summers in the acclaimed television series Buffy the Vampire Slayer, for which she received a Golden Globe Award nomination. ) saves the world, again, and makes her last desperate bid for an Emmy nomination in the series finale, which promises the death of some cast members and the not-so-surprise return of Angel (David Boreanaz). ``8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter'' (ABC, 8 p.m.): Cybill Shepherd guest-stars, but doesn't make things any easier for John Ritter in proclaiming spiritual domination over his brood. ``American Idol'' (Fox, 8 p.m.): The two finalists face off in a warble-off. The winner will be announced May 21. If Reuben and Clay are last men standing, don't expect a touchy-huggie-feely finale like last time. ``24'' (Fox, 9 p.m.): Jack (Kiefer Sutherland) may or may not save the world from global warfare in the season finale; regardless, daughter Kim's (Elisha Cuthbert) stupid subplot sub·plot n. 1. A plot subordinate to the main plot of a literary work or film. Also called counterplot, underplot. 2. A subdivision of a plot of land, especially a plot used for experimental purposes. comes to a merciful conclusion. MAY 21 ``The 38th Annual Academy of Country Music Awards'' (CBS, 8 p.m.): Reba McEntire presides over a fairly belated awards show. Expect patriotic tunes to carry the day, but everyone'll be watching to see who wins ``American Idol'' anyway. ``Law & Order'' (NBC, 8 to 10 p.m.): Season 38 closes with two episodes, including No. 300, with the torn-from-the-headlines stories including Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a balcony and the Houston woman who flattened her hubby with her car. CAPTION(S): 6 photos Photo: (1) Marion Ross, left, Roma Downey, Patty Duke: ``Touched by an Angel,'' Saturday, Sunday. (2) Melissa Joan Hart and Dylan Neal: ``Sabrina, the Teenage Witch,'' Thursday. (3) Rachel York: ``Lucy,'' May 4. (4) The Miss Dog Beauty Pageant, May 8. (5) Dennis Franz, Kim Delaney: ``NYPD Blue,'' May 13. (6) Cybill Shepherd: ``Martha Inc.,'' May 19. |
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