SURFING THE TUBE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

TODAY

Know how we know Shaq's really back? He's appearing ``as himself'' on tonight's episode of the UPN show ``The Parkers.'' According to someone named Mo'Nique, one of the sitcom's stars, Shaq is ``no Laurence Olivier, but he's definitely Laurence Fishburne and Ice Cube all wrapped up together.'' Is that good? NFL: Philadelphia at San Francisco, Channel 7, 6 p.m.; College basketball: Davidson at Duke, ESPN2, 4 p.m.; Maui Invitational - Chaminade vs. Virginia, ESPN, 11 a.m.; Indiana vs. UMass, ESPN2, 2 p.m.; Arizona State vs. Kentucky, ESPN, 6 p.m.; Gonzaga vs. Utah, ESPN2, 8:30 p.m.

TUESDAY

On the latest installment of HBO's ``Real Sports'' - not ``Real Sex'' - Lakers front-office vixen Jeanie Buss defends her ability to be a legit executive VP as well as effective main squeeze for the head coach. In a startling revelation, she let it slip to Armen Keteyian what the real deal-breaker would be if Phil ever pops the question. ``The most important thing to me is my family and this organization, so if he said he was going to pack up and move to Montana, I don't think I would follow him there,'' she says. That, my friends, is what's called an out-clause. ``Real Sports,'' HBO, 10 p.m.; College basketball: San Diego at UCLA, Fox Sports Net 2, 7:30 p.m.; NBA: Lakers at Miami, Channel 9, 5:30 p.m.; Golf: PGA Grand Slam - Tiger Woods, Rich Beem, Ernie Els and Justin Leonard - TNT, 8 p.m. (second round is Wednesday at 8 p.m.)

WEDNESDAY

You betcha Shaq still gets up for these Magic meetings. Chutes and Ladders at his Florida pad afterward, everyone. NBA: Lakers at Orlando, Channel 9, ESPN, 4 p.m.; NHL: Florida at Kings, Fox Sports Net, 5 p.m.; Ducks at Phoenix, Fox Sports Net 2, 7:30 p.m.; College basketball: Maui Invitational championship game, ESPN, 6:30 p.m.; NIT semifinals, ESPN2, 4 p.m. and 6:30 p.m.

THURSDAY

John Madden's run of giving out freaky-looking fowl parts is over. But the Redskins-Cowboys game qualifies as one big turkey on this special viewing day, with a captive audience. What were the NFL schedule-makers hoping to do, spoil our appetites? NFL: New England at Detroit, Channel 2, 9:30 a.m.; Washington at Dallas, Channel 11, 1 p.m.; College football: Mississippi State at Mississippi, ESPN, 4:30 p.m.; NBA: New Jersey at Clippers, TNT, 7 p.m.

FRIDAY

At least Grizzlies GM Jerry West doesn't have to worry about his new coach hitting on the owner's daughter. Maybe the owner's grandmother. NBA: Lakers at Memphis, Channel 9, 6 p.m.; Clippers at Sacramento, Channel 5, 7 p.m.; College football: Texas A&M at Texas, Channel 7, 9 a.m.; Louisiana State at Arkansas, Channel 2, 11:30 a.m.; Colorado at Nebraska, Channel 7, 12:30 p.m.; Arizona at Arizona State, Fox Sports Net, noon; NHL: Kings at Ducks, Fox Sports Net 2, 1 p.m.; College basketball: Ohio St. vs Alabama, ESPN2, 4 p.m.; Preseason NIT title game, ESPN2, 6 p.m.

SATURDAY

Guaranteed, the Trojans won't score 52 against the Irish defense tonight. But as the entire nation finally gets an up-close look at Carson Palmer, all it'll take is a few nice-looking TD tosses to sway some Heisman voters who have no clue what to do with their votes. Based on previous elections, many of them have no clue in general. But that's beside the point. Meanwhile on the basketball court, UCLA comes to the easy part of its schedule - Duke - after those tough exhibition warmups. College football: Miami at Syracuse, Channel 7, 10 a.m.; Oklahoma at Oklahoma State, Fox Sports Net, 11:30 a.m.; Notre Dame at USC, Channel 7, 5 p.m.; College basketball: Duke vs. UCLA, Channel 2, 10 a.m.; UC Irvine at Pepperdine, Fox Sports Net 2, 7:30 p.m.; Golf: Skins Game from Landmark Golf Club in Indio - Tiger Woods, Phil Mickelson, Fred Couples and Mark O'Meara - front nine, Channel 7, 1:30 p.m. (back nine is Sunday at 2:30 p.m.); NHL: Chicago at Kings, Fox Sports Net, 7:30 p.m.

SUNDAY

Urlacher vs. Farve in a head-to-head meeting. Literally. NFL: Chicago at Green Bay, Channel 11, 10 a.m.; Denver at San Diego, Channel 2, 1 p.m.; St. Louis at Philadelphia, Channel 11, 1:15 p.m.; Tampa Bay at New Orleans, ESPN, 5:30 p.m.; NBA: Minnesota at Lakers, Fox Sports Net, 6:30 p.m.; NHL: Chicago at Ducks, Channel 9, 5 p.m.

CAPTION(S):

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Photo:

Notre Dame's Jerome Collins, top, and Kyle Budinscak made life miserable for Rutgers quarterback Ryan Hart last week. Will they be turned loose on USC's Carson Palmer the same way Saturday in prime time?

Ted S. Warren/Associated Press

Box:

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