SPORTS NEWS OF INTEREST; ETHICS ARE LENT AND BENT.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH The Media

Writer's note: The following is not to be interpreted as an actual event, a re-enactment of an actual event or ever having the chance of becoming an actual event.

So I'm walking down the street with Dan Dierdorf.

``Look at that antique desk in the window,'' I say as we pass a storefront. ``Boy, I'd love to have that. But . . .''

``But what?'' Dan asks.

``Well, I don't think I can afford it,'' I sheepishly admit.

``You know,'' Dan continues, stopping to add dramatic effect and pulling a pamphlet from his checkered blazer, ``you don't have to have money in a bank to get money from a bank. Just pick up the phone today and call. . . .''

OK, All right. Wavy lines, whatever it takes.

No doubt you've seen the TV commercial in which Dierdorf starts telling a couple - and there's a couple born every minute - about a way to get money from a place, Advanta, that sounds like a hair-restoration scam.

I hear that, I scram.

Aside from the fact this particular company had to overlook every Q-rating ever deciphered and picked Dierdorf as its pitchman for an outfit no one's ever heard of before this spot, there is one very frightening element to all this.

Credibility and accountability has met up with instant cash and easy work. These days, the latter two win.

For an afternoon of their time, sports-media members who've built reputations as trustworthy, fair and impartial observers have suddenly been given carte blanche to pose as financial gatekeepers on the golden path toward debt consolidation - provided, of course, we're a homeowner with plenty of equity to gamble with.

Given, ABC's ``Monday Night Football'' windbag Dierdorf didn't risk a whole lot of ethics before making this commitment and this commercial. Jim Lampley, however, makes a strong case toward total journalistic decertification.

This esteemed multinetwork host of countless Olympics - he took us through the first moments of that tragic bombing at the Atlanta Games in '96 - has been turning in a gold-medal performance in spots for NFC.

That's NFC as in National Finance Corporation.

In this expanded theatrical infomercial, Lampley (as himself) takes a guided tour of the company's offices, as if he's setting the stage for some kind of sting in a report for HBO's ``Real Sports.''

But here's the real gotcha - doing some very impressive method acting, Lampley is called upon to re-enact a phone-call conversation with a satisfied customer.

A re-enactment? Who's directing this, Oliver Stone?

Before he throws it back to the studio where a propped-up Phil Rizzuto waits to complete the pitch, Lampley exclaims: ``Count me convinced!''

At least Lampley was not wearing his Eagle Eye Super-Dooper Ultra-Violet blocker sunglasses during the making of this infomercial.

If one financially misguided sportscaster is an accident, what we have now is some sort of interstate pileup. The line has not only been crossed but erased by Dierdorf's size 13. Lampley is somewhere beyond the point of no return.

Dumb viewers are to assume that these well-paid sports guys with microphones will lead them out of debt. Loan points, points on the scoreboard - what's the difference?

But even the wiser viewers are to assume that well-paid sports guys with microphones are so destitute at what they do that they need the extra dough, apparently to add another wing to their complexes for all those Emmy Awards that keep piling up in the basements.

Why else would their employers grant them enough rope to hang themselves and put a chokehold on their careers?

Let's not say it all started when Chris ``Klitz'' Berman broke the manacles and sold himself out to everyone, which opened the floodgates for ESPN guys like Keith Olbermann (Boston Market) or Dan Patrick (7-Up) to moonlight.

Pitching quick-dry paint and meatloaf sandwiches is an innocuous way of selling out when compared to what door Rizzuto, the Yankees' longtime broadcaster, opened when he did his first Money Store commercial, which was more like a bad 30-second vaudeville act. He gave way to another Hall of Famer-turned-broadcaster Jim Palmer, then hooked up with NFC's friendly lenders without a worry about how he'd be perceived by the gullible public.

(And Rizzuto wonders why it took him so long to be voted into the Hall of Fame. The voters couldn't stop laughing for years.)

In Dierdorf-ese, these guys are not just cashing in at the bank, they're doing it with the bank.

And you know some of these companies have notorious lending practices that precede them.

Fox's Terry Bradshaw, for example, jumped into the fray earlier this year when he did spots for The Associates - ``We make loans that make life better.'' But when Bradshaw's people started looking into this business with wider eyes, Bradshaw pulled out.

The journalistic thing here would be to call Lampley and ask why he's involved in these ads. But I'm not in the mood for perfectly suitable multisyllabic rationalization.

Besides, what if Lampley is convincing enough to get me to refinance my place. When I get in so far over my head in debt, I wonder if he'll be out there passing out blankets and serving hot coffee to my family when we're on the curb.

Worse of all, out there without any cable hookup.

SOUND BYTES

By Tom Hoffarth E-mail: sptmediaaol.com

WHAT SMOKES

In the November issue of Maxim, Michael Jordan says the NBA's incoming players don't try to learn from him because ``most of the young kids are (expletive). And that's because of y'all. The more media coverage the kids get, the more money they get, and that's when they became (expletives).'' Hmmm. You know, maybe MJ's right on this one. In fact, on behalf of media everywhere, we'd like to apologize for not doing our part to properly rear today's young NBA players, which, by and large, is our primary goal. And on top of that, how about we stop covering MJ and his comeback overtures as well?

Can you say ``Lunes en la Tarde Futbol?'' Starting with Monday's Steelers-Chiefs telecast, ABC's weekly semi-prime-time NFL game will be, for the first time in its treinta y nueve anos, a Spanish simulcast on the Secondary Audio Programming (SAP) subcarrier. How do you say ``Boomer'' in Spanish?

Justin Fargas alert: ESPN has picked up the next two Michigan games, Saturday against Indiana and Oct. 31 at Minnesota. Both are at 9 a.m.

Marques Johnson and Tom Tolbert are in, James Worthy is out as Fox Sports News hoop analyst. As if there's anything to analyze right now. Ya, baby!

WHAT CHOKES

In a SportsBusiness Journal story on concerns about the long-term prospects of the Major League Soccer, commissioner Doug Logan acknowledges that the media has contributed to the league's problems, saying ``there is a tendency for reporters to eat their young these days.'' He's also come grumbling about how ESPN, ABC and Univision put the games on the air with little promotion. On behalf of the media everywhere, we apologize for not doing our part to support this league, which, by and large, is our primary goal. And just to warn you: Sunday's MLS Cup championship from the Rose Bowl will be on Channel 7 at 12:30 p.m. The Disney cartel announced Thursday it will do 64 games of the men's and women's U.S. national soccer teams over the next four years. In case anyone cares.

The Viewers for Quality Television rate ABC's ``Sports Night'' as the best comedy of the new season. The show depicts a female as the boss of two sports anchors, and a minority in charge of the whole operation. But for something that's lasted about four weeks past its expiration date, the VQT might also want to consider content when it decides what qualifies as a comedy.

Grossocities I: One of Fox's many close-ups captures Padres manager Bruce Bochy ejecting a World Series-sized snotball.

Grossocities II: The latest Sports Illustrated runs a two-page layout of UCLA quarterback Cade McNown doing the technicolor yawn at midfield.

Grossocities III: Fox Sports Net's ``Ultimate Fan League.'' Where's a lockout when you need one?

WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV

The top 10 Nielsen-rated sports events (with their share numbers) on L.A. television from Oct. 15-22:

Event Date Station Rt/Sh.x

World Series Game 3 10/20 Fox 19.1/32

World Series Game 4 10/21 Fox 18.7/33

World Series Game 2 10/18 Fox 15.0/27

World Series Game 1 10/17 Fox 14.8/29

NFL: N.Y. Jets-New England 10/19 KABC 14.1/24

NCAA: Oregon-UCLA 10/17 KABC 11.0/29

NFL: Washington-Minnesota 10/18 Fox 10.2/28

NFL: Indianapolis-S.F. 10/18 KCBS 8.1/20

NFL: Dallas-Chicago 10/18 Fox 7.2/17

NFL: Green Bay-Detroit 10/15 ESPN 6.2/11

Note: FSW's USC-Washington State game on 10/17 did a 2.0/3.

x -One rating point equals 50,092 TV homes in Los Angeles; a share is the percentage of all the TV sets in use at that time.

CAPTION(S):

2 Boxes

Box: (1) SOUND BYTES (See Text)

(2) WHAT SMOKED ON LOCAL TV (See Text)