SOUTHLAND DIVIDED WHEN BRUINS, TROJANS GO TO WAR.Byline: Jonathan S. Shapiro Local View IF you live in Southern California, you learn two facts quickly. First, the world is divided between forces of good and forces of evil. Second, these two forces do battle once a year. They call it the UCLA-USC football game. As reliable as the blooming of the jacaranda jacaranda (jăk'ərăn`də): see bignonia. jacaranda Any plant of the genus Jacaranda (family Bignoniaceae), especially the two ornamental trees J. mimosifolia and J. cuspidifolia. , the running of the grunion grunion: see silversides. grunion Edible Pacific fish (Leuresthes tenuis) found along the western coast of the U.S. In the warm months, it lays its eggs in beach sand during a full or new moon when the tide cycle is at its peak. , a traffic jam during a rainstorm, or an argument in the City Council, the annual meeting of the area's greatest centers of higher education arrives every November to unleash all kinds of pent-up hatreds. Why can't we all just get along? Because some of us are Bruins and some of us are Trojans. Forget political correctness. Color counts - you either wave cardinal and gold pompoms or powder blue and yellow. Collegiate sports may be the only form of ritualized mass hysteria mass hysteria n. 1. Spontaneous, en masse development of identical physical or emotional symptoms among a group of individuals, as in a classroom of schoolchildren. 2. that we allow in modern society. But when the Bruins play the Trojans, the pitch goes beyond fevered. For a few hours laid-back Californians lose their collective minds. Our cross-town rivalry makes mild-mannered men and women behave like savages. It turns the community of educated Angelenos into profanity-spewing fanatics. The crowd at a Jerry Springer taping behaves more rationally. For years, I attended the game with my parents. I stopped going after my dear mother, a petite and charming woman, became enraged en·rage tr.v. en·raged, en·rag·ing, en·rag·es To put into a rage; infuriate. [Middle English *enragen, from Old French enrager : en-, causative pref. with a pass interference call and challenged an entire section of the stadium to a fistfight. I believe she would have won, too. How serious a fan is my mother? Several years ago, before I met my wife, I asked my mother which of the following candidates for marriage she would prefer I bring home - a Republican, a substance-abusing divorcee di·vor·cée n. A divorced woman. [French, feminine past participle of divorcer, to divorce, from Old French, from divorce, divorce; see divorce. with six children, or a graduate of the rival school. She chose, in order, the substance abuser, the Republican, and a third choice I had not considered - celibacy. But that would mean no grandchildren, I said. ``So be it,'' she said grimly. My mother would not go for a mixed marriage. Her reasoning was simple. If a USC An abbreviation for U.S. Code. fan married a UCLA UCLA University of California at Los Angeles UCLA University Center for Learning Assistance (Illinois State University) UCLA University of Carrollton, TX and Lower Addison, TX fan, the ones who would suffer would be the children. ``We could raise them with both traditions, teach them the values of both schools, and then, when they were older, let them choose which school to root for,'' I said. Nonsense, my mother replied. A child is born one way or the other. When it comes to whether you are a UCLA or USC fan, choice has nothing to do with it. Of course she is right. And the differences are as clear as day. As a general rule: UCLA fans are not great looking, but they have wonderful personalities. USC fans are great looking, but they can't figure out how to balance their checkbooks. UCLA fans support President Clinton but don't like him. USC fans want President Clinton impeached, but they would like to party with him. UCLA fans believe in Big Government, as befitting be·fit·ting adj. Appropriate; suitable; proper. be·fit  ting·ly adv.Adj. 1. graduates of a state school. USC fans believe in less government but more gun ownership, as befitting a school downtown. UCLA students protest over issues like diversity and nuclear disarmament. USC students protest when the Starbucks on campus raises its prices on mocha Mocha (mō`kə), town (1990 est. pop. 2,000), S Yemen, a port on the Red Sea. It was noted for the export of the coffee to which it gave its name but declined as a trading port in the late 19th cent. with the rise of Hodeida and Aden. drinks. No matter how well UCLA plays, they always seem on the verge On the Verge (or The Geography of Yearning) is a play written by Eric Overmyer. It makes extensive use of esoteric language and pop culture references from the late nineteenth century to 1955. of reverting back to being a basketball school. No matter how poorly USC plays, they always seem on the verge of beating UCLA. There is nothing more annoying than the USC fight song. Except the UCLA fight song, which is Cal's fight song. If UCLA was playing Notre Dame, USC fans would root for UCLA. If USC was playing a team composed of tobacco executives, UCLA fans would root for tobacco. I could go on. I could point out the foolishness of this kind of rivalry. I could note how immature both sides can be. I could argue that we should see the game, not as a blood feud blood feud: see vendetta. , but as a chance to celebrate how lucky we are that we should all live in a community where we are blessed with two great colleges, places filled with bright, energetic and enthusiastic students, our future. But it is getting late and I need to put on my Cal face paint before we play those morons from Stanford. |
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