SORRY - WE SENT A MAN TO DO A WOMAN JOB.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Film Critic

THERE ARE TWO things you should know about the dreadful tearjerker ``Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood'' right off the bat. The secrets are far from divine, and, given the movie's tremendous aversion to anything subtle, they are, in fact, hardly secrets at all, more like self-help platitudes that are about as obvious as the strained Southern accents with which they're delivered.

There's not a remotely authentic human being in ``Ya-Ya,'' but that's not what makes the film such a tedious experience. What really kills the movie is that nobody here is even likable, a fact that seems to be lost on first-time director Callie Khouri (the screenwriter behind ``Thelma & Louise''), who's too busy stuffing the movie full of Southern stereotypes and chick-flick cliches to notice that she's given us absolutely no incentive to care about her story.

Based on the best-selling novel by Rebecca Wells, as well as her novel ``Little Altars Everywhere,'' ``Ya-Ya'' begins with a present-day blow-up between a mother and a daughter. Sidda (Sandra Bullock), a successful New York playwright who has long ago escaped her Southern roots, gives an interview with a news magazine that knocks - and, it turns out, with good reason - the parenting skills of her mother, Vivi (Ellen Burstyn).

Much phone-slamming, bourbon-drinking and photo-shredding ensues, prompting the Ya-Ya sisters - childhood friends of Vivi's - to fly to New York and kidnap Sidda so they can take her back home to show her why this belle is such a royal pain in the butt. Out comes the Ya-Ya scrapbook, and so begins the film's flashbacks - first to the late '30s, to see Vivi's nightmarish childhood, and then to the '60s, to see why Vivi (played here by Ashley Judd) made life a living hell for her kids.

In between, there's a lot of forced whooping and hollering on the part of Ya-Yas young and old and plenty of ridiculously eccentric behavior on the part of the old-timers (Shirley Knight, Fionnula Flanagan, Maggie Smith) as the actresses strenuously compete for the title of Most Memorable Kook.

But there are no winners in ``Ya-Ya,'' which is essentially three movies in one, none of them quite meshing and none of them worth watching. As Khouri (who also wrote the screenplay) unsteadily moves back and forth in time, jerking her audience's tear ducts with wild abandon, you wish one of the movie's two male characters (James Garner and Angus MacFadyen, both of whom are kept well in the background) could break free from the constraints of all this psychobabble and shout the feelings of a Southern gentleman who wouldn't put up with all this nonsense. The words, ``Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn,'' have never been more appropriate.

DIVINE SECRETS OF THE YA-YA SISTERHOOD - Two stars

(Rated PG-13: mature themes, including child abuse, language and brief sensuality)

Starring: Sandra Bullock, Ellen Burstyn, Fionnula Flanagan, James Garner, Cherry Jones, Ashley Judd, Shirley Knight, Angus MacFadyen, Maggie Smith.

Director: Callie Khouri.

Running time: 1 hr. 57 min.

Playing: Wide release.