SOMETIMES, YOU CAN HELP JUST BY LISTENING.

Byline: Phil Davis Staff Writer

When someone is wrestling with the emotional nightmares of a chronic disease - or simply hoping for a healthy baby - the best thing a true friend can do is listen.

``What was most helpful to me was people who would say, `I'm so sorry. How are you doing?' And then they'd just listen,'' said Nashville author Karen Stroup who has been living with a terminal breast cancer diagnosis since 1994. ``There are so many people who just aren't willing to listen to tales of suffering. You don't even have to agree with what they're saying. If someone is clearly dying and is still talking about hope, you don't have to get them over their denial. That may be good for them. Just listen.''

A good listener is also less likely to trip an emotional land mine by blurting out the first thing that comes to mind.

``Really listen to what the other person is saying,'' said Kauser Ahmed, a psychological consultant pursuing her doctorate at the University of California, Los Angeles. ``Ask questions before offering your own opinion or take on the situation. Get a sense of how they are feeling about it, what their thoughts and concerns are and go from there.''

Here are some more ways to be more helpful than hurtful:

Keep horror stories to yourself: Everyone knows a scary story about a disease or pregnancy, and it does absolutely no good to share it.

Focus on the positive: When talking about surgery to remove cancer lesions, say ``I hope it went well'' instead of ``Did they get it all?'' There is no way to tell for certain if the surgeon removed all the cancer, so the question just invites worry.

Don't be patronizing: Don't let the illness define the person. Also, don't try to point out the bright side of an illness. Chances are, the effort - however well-meaning - will fall flat.

Be a rock: If you say you'll be there, be there. ``I've had people say, `I'm sorry but I just can't do this,' '' Stroup said. ``I can live with that. But it's hard for me when people say, `I'll be there,' and then they bail out.''

Be specific: If you're offering your services, be specific about what it is you can help with: Can I get your groceries, cook dinner, pick up the kids or mow the lawn?

Steer clear of comments about appearance: Bald jokes won't cheer up anyone undergoing chemotherapy.

Don't play doctor: Hold back on suggestions about doctors and treatments until it's clear how the person feels about his or her treatment. ``If a person is happy with their situation, don't assume you know something they don't,'' said Nashville resident Carol Osbourne, who along with Stroup wrote a book on the language of cancer.

Don't add to information overload: Hold off on sending brochures and pamphlets. Many people just aren't prepared for the deluge of odds and statistics. They'll let you know when they're ready.