SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE AMONG STRANGE CANDIDATES.

Byline: MARIEL GARZA

REGISTERED California voters should have received their ``Official Voter Information Guide'' for the recall election in the mail by now. Inside are helpful tips about voting and the statements of candidates who would like to replace Gov. Gray Davis, should he be tossed from office Oct. 7 - 22 pages of them.

Many people are too busy with the kids, the two-hour commute, nail care, etc. to plod through all 22 pages. I understand this. And because I am a dedicated journalist concerned with making sure readers are fully informed on any given issue, I have read the entire booklet and extracted the most relevant information about the recall platforms that you may have not realized existed. Or wanted to.

The Singles Platform: ``Singles are the Rodney Dangerfields of our society,'' says Republican Rich Gosse, a Bay Area man who is not actually single, though presumably once was and is still clearly annoyed by the injustice of it all. He's using the election to push his agenda on fairness for the unattached and to get people to sign up for singles cruises.

The Men's Platform: Warren Farrell of Carlsbad, author of ``Why Men Are the Way They Are,'' is running on the XY chromosome ticket. He wants there to be more guy-specific stuff, from a men's birth control pill to schools catering to boys. (Don't they already?)

The End of the World Platform: A vote for Venice performance artist Trek Thunder Kelley is a vote for annihilation. ``Please vote for me, thus breaking the Seventh Seal and incurring the Armageddon.'' It is not clear whether Kelley is claiming he is an angel or John, the Bible's Revelator, or whether he's just insane.

The Pro-Marijuana Platform: West Hollywood Democrat Bruce Margolin, also chapter director of NORML, would like to stop government waste by ending the drug war. Plus, we should teach yoga in school.

The Life Should Imitate Art Platform: Television sitcom writer and producer Bill Prady has a vision for California that involves laugh tracks and soundstages. If elected, he said, he will solve all the state's problems in 22-minute time slots, with two commercial breaks and a heartwarming wrap-up.

The Fat, Sweaty Guys in Rubber Diapers Platform: Independent candidate and sumo wrestler Kurt E. ``Tachikaze'' Rightmyer says he will make things right using the ancient Japanese method of grappling with a 300-pound, half-naked man in a public place.

Rightmyer, whose nickname means ``wind from a sword stroke,'' said he will use his skills to ``attack the 800-pound gorilla of big government from every angle.'' (Emphasis added)

There are others, of course, but many platforms are as inscrutable as their candidate statements, such as this cryptic message from Republican Kevin Richter: ``I breathe.''

It has been said that among the 135 candidates, there is someone for everyone. That is nearly true. I've yet to see any evidence of the pro-Zionist, gay, multiamputee Luchador platform. Maybe next recall.