EASTENDERS THE big wedding of the week is hardly a romantic case of love's young dream, as the bride is heavily pregnant and walking down the aisle for the fourth time.
Oh, and there's the small matter of the groom planning the whole thing to steal his bride's fortune.
Halfway through the ceremony, held in a grand marquee in the Square, Michael drags Janine outside and says he'll only marry her if she tears up their pre-nuptial agreement which stops him getting his hands on her cash. He also confesses how he's been fleecing Jean, so will Janine forgive him and trust him enough to become Mrs Moon, if it means risking all her money? The wedding day is notable for the return of Janine's siblings, Ricky and, more excitingly, her sister Diane, played by Sophie Lawrence.
Jean had been determined to get Michael to confess to swindling her and flushes his beloved St Christopher down the toilet. He retaliates by getting a funeral director to tell her that Stacey is dead. Now, do you really want to marry this man, Janine? She's just as bad, though, so perhaps they are a match made in hell.
There must be something in the water in soapland this week, as there are engagements everywhere.
WITH THIS David says The 'lucky' Walford girl is Tanya, who has Max down on one knee popping the question, for the second time. He too is confessing his sins, opening up about the dodgy dealings he got up to with Derek while they were separated. Don't do it, Tan! Remember how it ended last time, with you burying Max alive...
Abi also has a relationship decision to make. The newly-engaged girl has second thoughts when she realises Jay wants her to give up her ambition to be a vet.
Also this week, Derek's estranged son Joey turns up to take Alice home and greets his dad with a punch. Looks like he's got the measure of him.
EMMERDALE * THE Emmerdale engagement involves Alicia and David and is the only one that features an onion ring. David doesn't have a sparkler to put on her finger so he makes do with a crisp, which could either be sweetly romantic or cheap.
Actually, he is only doing it to keep Jacob in the village. Alicia is facing prison for punching Val, which would mean her son has to live with his dad, Jason. To stop that happening, David suggests they tie the knot. He's doing it as a big favour for a good friend, unaware that Alicia is actually in love with him and would like nothing more than to become Mrs Metcalfe.
Laurel goes against the week's engagement trend by asking a devastated Ashley for a divorce. And Gennie catches Cameron and Chas together.
CORONATION STREET * CORRIE episodes are all over the shop this week thanks to the football. There are only two, on Monday and Wednesday, but they too manage to feature a marriage proposal.
Having been dumped by Karl, Sunita decides to make do with Dev. She not only goes home, but suggests they tie the knot, again. He's thrilled but it's clear she's not exactly over the moon. Meanwhile, Stella suspects something is up with Karl and, finding his gambling winnings, tells him it's over.
Peter and Carla are about the only couple not contemplating marriage, but they are thinking of committing to something more serious - starting a family. Not sure they've shown particularly good parenting skills with Simon.
HOME & AWAY ONION RING: with crisps..
* BIANCA is rushed into hospital and diagnosed with the lifethreatening condition pre-eclampsia. Heath reacts maturely by getting drunk, then visits his deadbeat dad in prison. Also, Jett mugs Marilyn, Alf returns from Thailand and Dex can't choose between April and Lottie.
HOLLYOAKS * CARMEL is devastated to wake up in hospital after being badly burned by the exploding light. She feels so ugly and depressed that she goes up to the hospital roof (surely soapland history has taught them to improve security there by now?) and tries to jump. Also, Mitzeee is given a once-in-a-lifetime offer.
NEIGHBOURS * KATE plans to steal Kyle from Jade by bidding for him at the charity auction, but it all goes wrong. Rhys wins a date with Vanessa but she's not impressed when she hears him being nasty to Susan.
DOCTORS * THERE'S only one episode this week, thanks to Royal Ascot, but it's a highly dramatic one. A fire breaks out at the home of Kevin's new girlfriend Michaela. She survives but he and Freya are badly hurt - and one of them doesn't make it out alive.
WITH THIS ONION RING: David says it with crisps..