SNOBBISH `TEA' LADIES WALLOW IN OBLIVION.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Daily News Film Critic

``Tea With Mussolini'' is a painfully annoying film about a group of self-absorbed English biddies who wonder why they should be prevented from enjoying their afternoon tea just because the surrounding world is at war.

Taken from a chapter in director Franco Zeffirelli's memoirs that should have been left in the drawer, this period piece never gives the audience much of a reason to care about its arrogant and obstinate characters. Indeed, when their lives are threatened near the end by a bunch of humorless, monocle-wearing Nazis, the audience's rooting interests may land squarely with the fascists.

Set in Florence on the eve of World War II, the film follows a group of English expatriates known as the Scorpini. These insufferable ancients mostly take tea in the Uffizi, throw lavish parties and look down on anyone they deem unworthy of their intimate circle.

Of these women, the only good soul, Mary (Joan Plowright), decides to take on a protege, a 5-year-old Italian boy named Luca (Charlie Lucas), who was born out of wedlock. Luca's father eventually sends him to school in Austria (German, not English, is believed to be the language of the future) and when he returns, he finds his native country much changed. (Baird Wallace plays the older Luca.) Italy is on the brink of war and Mussolini's fascists are telling the Scorpini to the leave the country.

Obstinate to their core, the women refuse to budge and are soon herded up and taken to an abandoned hospital in nearby San Gimignano. From the way they react, you would think these spoiled twits had landed at Auschwitz. (The film includes some superficial references to Jewish suffering, which only underscores the ladies' laughably ignorant behavior.)

Arabella (Judi Dench) laments her separation from her beloved dog; Lady Hester (Maggie Smith) calls it an outrage since she once had tea with Mussolini and believes she deserves special treatment from the Italian government.

The ``atrocities'' soon subside when a rich American art collector, Elsa (Cher), pays to have the women moved into a nice hotel with clean sheets and proper china. The Brits think Elsa is a vulgar American, but she doesn't care. ``Everyone knows how I live my life,'' she says. ``I live my life as a crazy woman!'' The line, in Cher's ham-fisted hands, is just as insipid as it sounds.

The film contains many such inanities, resulting in remarkably poor performances from its distinguished cast. Dench, in particular, would probably like to delete this film from her credits, coming as it does on the heels of her Oscar victory.

The Scorpini display some mild heroism near the film's end, but it's difficult to summon much feeling for a group of women who bemoan the quality of the Earl Grey tea while never giving a thought to their families back in England suffering through the blitz. Quite simply, apart from some nicely photographed Florentine locales, there is no reason for ``Tea With Mussolini'' to exist.

THE FACTS

The film: ``Tea With Mussolini'' (PG; language, brief male nudity, mild violence).

The stars: Cher, Judi Dench, Joan Plowright, Maggie Smith and Lily Tomlin.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Franco Zeffirelli. Screenplay by Zeffirelli and John Mortimer. Released by MGM.

Running time: One hour, 56 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One and one half stars.

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Photo

Photo: Mary Wallace (Joan Plowright, left) and Lady Hester (Maggie Smith) belong to a self-indulgent group of British expatriates living in fascist Italy in ``Tea With Mussolini.''