SLEEP IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER.

Byline: Steve Young

He was just resting his eyes: White House officials explained that Vice President Dick Cheney was not sleeping during speeches by China's President Hu Jintao and President George W. Bush. "He was just resting his eyes," explained outgoing White House spokesman Scott McClellan. "Didn't you see how upset he was when we tried to turn off the TV?"

Board with demonstrations: In protest of the attempt by Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa to take over many of the powers of the LAUSD, the school board has announced plans to stage a massive walkout during school hours by the six existing board members. "We're small in number, but we're feisty," said board member Jon Lauritzen. "We may not stop all that much traffic, but with our arms stretched out, we can shut down some pretty important hallways."

Shoring up war: Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger was unsuccessful in getting Bush to commit sufficient federal aid to secure California's shore levees. So here's a suggestion. Why don't we put out the word that we're hiding WMD in Santa Monica? After we're invaded, get reconstruction funds, and the president realizes there are no WMD, he'll just say he did it for regime change.

Voila. Two birds with one stone.

Fuel companies blame illegal immigrants for higher prices: "Why not?" said Richard Thangod of the Petroleum Institute for Trying to Figure Out How to Spend All This Money. "They're getting blamed for everything else."

Fuel-saving tips: While the president's proposed measures for alternative and less costly fuels will not have any immediate effect at the pump, the federal government has issued a five-point conservation plan that could save consumers money today.

1. Use only downhill roads.

2. Move closer to your gas station.

3. Stick a sail on top of your Chevy and only drive with the wind.

4. Stay closer to the curb when you turn.

5. Walk.

Are you ready for some football?: Mayor Villaraigosa has unveiled an $800 million plan to refurbish the L.A. Coliseum in hopes of luring the National Football League back to Los Angeles.

"It's not a big risk," said the mayor. "If they don't move here, we'll just use it to house the zoo's three elephants."

No change here: Former Fox News host Tony Snow was named new presidential spokesman. Fox has slated Snow's press conferences for weekdays between Bill O'Reilly and "Hannity & Colmes."

Bi-soap operal: CBS' "Bold and the Beautiful" has offered scripts and DVD copies of shows simulcast with dialogue in Spanish to Pasadena City College as a tool for Spanish-language teachers. Now students can learn repetitious storylines and overacting in two languages.

Bottom line: A woman who was spanked in front of co-workers as part of what was supposed to be a "pumping up the adrenaline ... camaraderie-building exercise" asked a jury for at least $1.2 million for her humiliation. Dominatrixes and parents across the country are bracing for the legal onslaught.

Finally, a job for Michael Brown: A joint Senate panel has recommended dismantling the Federal Emergency Management Agency and starting all over. The new agency, TLTL (Too Little Too Late), should be ready for operation by November, or just about the end of the hurricane season.

The dog ruined our profits and other defective excuses: Former Enron CEO Ken Lay blamed his unscrupulous business practices on his listening to his subordinates. A boss paying attention to subordinates? What jury is going to believe anything this guy says?

Hell freezing over? They said it couldn't be done, but this week, "American Idol" judge Simon Cowell actually apologized for saying Sherman Oaks' Katharine McPhee was no Whitney Houston.

"What I meant," explained Cowell, "was that Katharine would never marry Bobby Brown. I mean, not unless Whitney first divorces Brown and even then it would have taken a bunch of coincidences for Katharine and Bobby to meet and fall in love.

"At best, it's a long shot," admitted Cowell.

MyOsama.com: In a departure from his customary release of video by Al-Jazeera, Osama bin Laden has distributed his latest condemnation of the U.S. through Myspace.com. "I just felt that I could reach the younger and hotter infidels through Myspace," said the hip cave-dweller.

Pays to be a DN reader: As a consideration for your loyal readership, I will be paying you for the gas you used this week to drive from your front door to your home-delivered "All The News That's Fit To Spoof" column.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1 -- color) Vice President Dick Cheney, left, and Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld listen to a press briefing by President George W. Bush and Chinese President Hu Jintao.

Tim Sloan/Getty Images

(2 -- color) Former Enron chairman Kenneth Lay leaves the Bob Casey U.S. Courthouse in Houston after the day's proceedings in his fraud and conspiracy trial Wednesday.

Dave Einsel/Getty Images